Tuesday, June 19, 2018
Heaven 💙💙💙💙
6/19/18
Here visiting by myself today which has only happened twice in almost 6 years......it’s so quiet and calm and talking out loud when no one else is there seems okay. It’s not sad it’s just hard to explain!! This is when you just try and remember did I kiss Him enough for a lifetime? Did I hold him tight enough? Did I tell him I love him enough? And the list goes on.........Yes I did is the answer but I still wonder sometimes!!!!
This season is bringing a lot of question and thoughts for Taylor.......
Mommy did you lay Brady down in the ground, were you holding him?
What did you put him in? (I told her a beautiful white and blue casket)
Mommy what is a casket? (Unable to answer right away due to fighting back tears, she so gracefully spoke for me answering her own question-“oh it’s a basket mommy”) Yes a basket:)
The latest question, Mommy so how is Brady In heaven if he is under the ground? I did my very best to explain this to my sweet girl!!
The seasons change and time gets sweeter, Taylor is figuring it all out- she really wants to know if Brady is still a baby or if he is Big Like Her❤️
So proud of her and the Amazing little girl she is, one day she will truly understand that she has been the rock for Justin and I.
I smile writing this because, our little family has grown in ways I never imagined possible in the past 6 years❤️😍❤️😍❤️
Monday, February 12, 2018
Time is Flying by......
2/12/18-
I thought I would drop a few notes since it has been a while since I sat down to write. Another great year has gone by. 5 1/2 Years in on this Journey of ours with our precious girl! Everyday we look in awe as we acknowledge just how lucky we are to have this 5 1/2 yr old, 46lb, amazing little Kindergartener looking back at us. She is and has been a little spit fire from day#1, and I am not sure I am ready for her determination as she gets older, LOL.
Well as we imagined the time would come that she really started to process the true understanding that Brady will never come back. She has always referenced Brady, and always stated his living with Jesus ;) But daily she inquires about Why he lives with Jesus, When will he come back, Why won't he come back, When will be go to live with him, and the list goes on. Lately everything we do, she says I know Brady would love this board game, Lets pick a book for Brady, No mommy we don't have 3 people in our family we have 4, lets sign Brady's name on the card, and that list goes on and on too. IT's HARD!!!!! But we just embrace it and do our best to make it all make sense. It is not sad conversation, so we just keep it very positive and let her inquisitive mind work.
One thing we have really noticed with her is that she really truly does have this uniqueness about her to me that is an indication that she was truly supposed to have a play mate. Her independent play is unbelievable and her energy in doing so is unreal. She has the gentle/soft/sweet side but the energy of a boy, and we feel that this is because she was supposed to have Brady to rally with. Well She is for sure living life for both of them.
While I would give anything to keep her 5 forever, I know that the years to come are going to be better than ever. And as for now She is on the count down to Turning "6", and the girl can't wait. ONLY 4 1/2 more months baby girl;))))
From 2lb 5oz 28 weeker to 46lb 5 year old.........She is my HERO and together we love and Miss Brady everyday!!!!!
I thought I would drop a few notes since it has been a while since I sat down to write. Another great year has gone by. 5 1/2 Years in on this Journey of ours with our precious girl! Everyday we look in awe as we acknowledge just how lucky we are to have this 5 1/2 yr old, 46lb, amazing little Kindergartener looking back at us. She is and has been a little spit fire from day#1, and I am not sure I am ready for her determination as she gets older, LOL.
Well as we imagined the time would come that she really started to process the true understanding that Brady will never come back. She has always referenced Brady, and always stated his living with Jesus ;) But daily she inquires about Why he lives with Jesus, When will he come back, Why won't he come back, When will be go to live with him, and the list goes on. Lately everything we do, she says I know Brady would love this board game, Lets pick a book for Brady, No mommy we don't have 3 people in our family we have 4, lets sign Brady's name on the card, and that list goes on and on too. IT's HARD!!!!! But we just embrace it and do our best to make it all make sense. It is not sad conversation, so we just keep it very positive and let her inquisitive mind work.
One thing we have really noticed with her is that she really truly does have this uniqueness about her to me that is an indication that she was truly supposed to have a play mate. Her independent play is unbelievable and her energy in doing so is unreal. She has the gentle/soft/sweet side but the energy of a boy, and we feel that this is because she was supposed to have Brady to rally with. Well She is for sure living life for both of them.
While I would give anything to keep her 5 forever, I know that the years to come are going to be better than ever. And as for now She is on the count down to Turning "6", and the girl can't wait. ONLY 4 1/2 more months baby girl;))))
From 2lb 5oz 28 weeker to 46lb 5 year old.........She is my HERO and together we love and Miss Brady everyday!!!!!
Sunday, April 2, 2017
It's been way too long.......
4/2/17-
I have been very quite over the past couple of years and I don't like this b/c blogging has been therapeutic for me and has also allowed me to reach many others. Well there is a reason for this and until this point it is b/c I just wasn't ready to share.
.
But first let me catch up for lost time by sharing about my precious Taylor Bug........She is such an amazing little Girl. I can't believe in just a few short months she will be 5 years old-- How did that happen. As each year that goes by she amazes us more and more and with passing time we realize daily just what a true miracle she is. She loves Pre-K and is so ready to be "5" and to be in Kindergarten-"She says I can't wait "!!!!! I am not ready to let her grow up but it is happening right before me..... I am so proud of her!!!!!
Well this might be super raw, but here goes.........
We have come a long way over the past 5 years, I can remember when I wasn't sure how I was going to put one foot in front of the other. We overcame the initial shock of delivering our twins at 28 weeks, my health complications immediate post delivery , the roller coaster ride of the NICU and then again my hemorrhage 5 weeks postpartum, and then the ultimate devastation of finding out we would likely have to say goodbye to our son, preparing hospice for him and then planning his funeral. But with our love and support for one another, our family/friend support and our drive to be the best that we could be for Taylor we came out on Top!!!!
It was from the very beginning that I asked God everyday to please guide me, give me strength, faith and guidance through this. I then also began to ask for clear cut answers for the future of our family. Initially having another child wasn't an option for me, not because I didn't want more children, but b/c I was scared!!!!! Well after almost 2 years of continuous prayers for guidance over what was to be for our family, it began to seem and feel abundantly clear to Justin and I that we should try and expand our family. Taylor was 3 years old and showed such a genuine love for other children and we felt that she deserved to have a living sibling. It was time!!!!
Well it has been a long 2 years to say the least!!!
July 2015 we were excited about this next Journey and ready to grow our family, of course nervous but definitely excited!!
November 2015 we had a miscarriage- we were very sad/disappointed, but had a healthy out look about it and just digested that facts that the pregnancy wasn't healthy enough to continue forward.
We pressed on, still super excited for what was to come for our family!!
April 2016 we had another miscarriage- Very sad of course and initially couldn't help but feel discouraged and I asked Why, Why did we have to give our son back , Why did we lose another in November and now again in April. WHY!!!! It was hard not to ask why, but I quickly recovered and reminded myself that this happens sometimes. And I reminded myself that trying for a year is not unusual and miscarriages aren't unusual. So I stayed positive and continued to pray for answers and guidance and I started to wonder if this was a subtle sign from what I had been praying for.
Well time continued to pass and I continued to appreciate Taylor more and more with each passing day, b/c she is truly my miracle.
3 months later-July 28th, 2016-It had been a Year so I decided to consult my OBGYN about doing some labs just to make sure at 36 years old I wasn't having any female changes.
August 2016- Much to my surprise all of my labs came back normal, EXCEPT for the one that I couldn't treat or change. Very Sad!!!!! My AMH Level was extremely, extremely low ( My ovarian reserve and egg store) was that of a 45 year old woman instead of being that of a 36 year old woman.
I cried, processed it, prayed about it and couldn't help but believe that this was another sign, but in my gut I still felt that I was meant to have another child for Taylor. So I continued to stay positive, swallowing any hurt I was feeling or disappointment.
From April 2016 to December 2016- with diligent trying and unable to conceive and strange symptoms and signs along the way, and a Consult with a reproductive Specialist who decided some test were warranted.
So here we were at a year and a half of trying to conceive with only 2 miscarriages......
December 2016- I had a procedure which many of us women have had, and HSG which determined inconclusive findings. So in February 2017 I had a pelvic MRI which was also inconclusive findings.
So finally last month March 2017, I found an Interventional Radiologist who specializes in a diagnostic procedure to confirm uterine abnormalities. He was able to give me a concrete answer.
So now at 37 years old, I have been diagnosed with a Unicornuate Uterus (being born with only one fallopian tube and essentially half of the uterine cavity). Finally I feel like so many questions are being answered!! He said I have no idea how you carried twins to 28 weeks gestation, now knowing that shape and size of your uterus. Taylor and Brady are true miracles.
So now in April 2017- knowing that my ovaries are functioning at a very low level and knowing that I only have one functional fallopian tube and knowing that my uterus is half of the normal size, we are thanking god everyday for our precious MIRACLE Here on earth b/c all odds were against her but she had and has a purpose here with us. She continues to show us everyday her love for life and her will for life.
I would be telling a lie if I said that this has been easy, it has actually taken a huge toll on me and I have struggled with some health complications over the past two years (especially in the past few months). But with the support of Justin and my love for Taylor and some amazing family and friends, again We have come out on Top.
I have never been so grateful for my incredible husband and the love that we share, my unbelievable little girl, and for my good health. And I am going to put my focus on loving this life b/c I am so incredibly blessed.
And while I am going to continue to pray daily for guidance for me and my family, I will also continue to pray for so many close friends and family around me who are going through devastating events in their lives......But I know that God has this!!!!!
I have been very quite over the past couple of years and I don't like this b/c blogging has been therapeutic for me and has also allowed me to reach many others. Well there is a reason for this and until this point it is b/c I just wasn't ready to share.
.
But first let me catch up for lost time by sharing about my precious Taylor Bug........She is such an amazing little Girl. I can't believe in just a few short months she will be 5 years old-- How did that happen. As each year that goes by she amazes us more and more and with passing time we realize daily just what a true miracle she is. She loves Pre-K and is so ready to be "5" and to be in Kindergarten-"She says I can't wait "!!!!! I am not ready to let her grow up but it is happening right before me..... I am so proud of her!!!!!
Well this might be super raw, but here goes.........
We have come a long way over the past 5 years, I can remember when I wasn't sure how I was going to put one foot in front of the other. We overcame the initial shock of delivering our twins at 28 weeks, my health complications immediate post delivery , the roller coaster ride of the NICU and then again my hemorrhage 5 weeks postpartum, and then the ultimate devastation of finding out we would likely have to say goodbye to our son, preparing hospice for him and then planning his funeral. But with our love and support for one another, our family/friend support and our drive to be the best that we could be for Taylor we came out on Top!!!!
It was from the very beginning that I asked God everyday to please guide me, give me strength, faith and guidance through this. I then also began to ask for clear cut answers for the future of our family. Initially having another child wasn't an option for me, not because I didn't want more children, but b/c I was scared!!!!! Well after almost 2 years of continuous prayers for guidance over what was to be for our family, it began to seem and feel abundantly clear to Justin and I that we should try and expand our family. Taylor was 3 years old and showed such a genuine love for other children and we felt that she deserved to have a living sibling. It was time!!!!
Well it has been a long 2 years to say the least!!!
July 2015 we were excited about this next Journey and ready to grow our family, of course nervous but definitely excited!!
November 2015 we had a miscarriage- we were very sad/disappointed, but had a healthy out look about it and just digested that facts that the pregnancy wasn't healthy enough to continue forward.
We pressed on, still super excited for what was to come for our family!!
April 2016 we had another miscarriage- Very sad of course and initially couldn't help but feel discouraged and I asked Why, Why did we have to give our son back , Why did we lose another in November and now again in April. WHY!!!! It was hard not to ask why, but I quickly recovered and reminded myself that this happens sometimes. And I reminded myself that trying for a year is not unusual and miscarriages aren't unusual. So I stayed positive and continued to pray for answers and guidance and I started to wonder if this was a subtle sign from what I had been praying for.
Well time continued to pass and I continued to appreciate Taylor more and more with each passing day, b/c she is truly my miracle.
3 months later-July 28th, 2016-It had been a Year so I decided to consult my OBGYN about doing some labs just to make sure at 36 years old I wasn't having any female changes.
August 2016- Much to my surprise all of my labs came back normal, EXCEPT for the one that I couldn't treat or change. Very Sad!!!!! My AMH Level was extremely, extremely low ( My ovarian reserve and egg store) was that of a 45 year old woman instead of being that of a 36 year old woman.
I cried, processed it, prayed about it and couldn't help but believe that this was another sign, but in my gut I still felt that I was meant to have another child for Taylor. So I continued to stay positive, swallowing any hurt I was feeling or disappointment.
From April 2016 to December 2016- with diligent trying and unable to conceive and strange symptoms and signs along the way, and a Consult with a reproductive Specialist who decided some test were warranted.
So here we were at a year and a half of trying to conceive with only 2 miscarriages......
December 2016- I had a procedure which many of us women have had, and HSG which determined inconclusive findings. So in February 2017 I had a pelvic MRI which was also inconclusive findings.
So finally last month March 2017, I found an Interventional Radiologist who specializes in a diagnostic procedure to confirm uterine abnormalities. He was able to give me a concrete answer.
So now at 37 years old, I have been diagnosed with a Unicornuate Uterus (being born with only one fallopian tube and essentially half of the uterine cavity). Finally I feel like so many questions are being answered!! He said I have no idea how you carried twins to 28 weeks gestation, now knowing that shape and size of your uterus. Taylor and Brady are true miracles.
So now in April 2017- knowing that my ovaries are functioning at a very low level and knowing that I only have one functional fallopian tube and knowing that my uterus is half of the normal size, we are thanking god everyday for our precious MIRACLE Here on earth b/c all odds were against her but she had and has a purpose here with us. She continues to show us everyday her love for life and her will for life.
I would be telling a lie if I said that this has been easy, it has actually taken a huge toll on me and I have struggled with some health complications over the past two years (especially in the past few months). But with the support of Justin and my love for Taylor and some amazing family and friends, again We have come out on Top.
I have never been so grateful for my incredible husband and the love that we share, my unbelievable little girl, and for my good health. And I am going to put my focus on loving this life b/c I am so incredibly blessed.
And while I am going to continue to pray daily for guidance for me and my family, I will also continue to pray for so many close friends and family around me who are going through devastating events in their lives......But I know that God has this!!!!!
Saturday, May 28, 2016
Four Years ago today!!!!
5/28/16- Wow, it is hard to believe how much has changed in four years, but one thing that will never change are the events that began this time four years ago. This day marks two very important anniversary's for me.... The last call shift that I worked as a midwife-a career that I loved and the start of my journey through pre-term labor at 26 weeks gestation.
Four years later I have an amazing little family-a husband who thankfully was my rock during this journey, a true miracle who reminds me daily how amazing she is and an incredible job that has allowed me to fulfill my love for my patients but also be the mother that I always dreamt of being.
It may sound crazy but believe it or not, this day is hard....... I was very busy and I remember with each delivery that I managed I kept trying to ignore what I was feeling, but the inevitable was pre-term labor at 26 weeks gestation. The fear that I remember is terrifying but I just remember thinking I want to do whatever it takes to save my babies.
While each year these anniversaries become a little easier, they will always and forever be the start of a very hard time in my life. But I am so grateful that these trials gave me such an appreciation for life and have allowed me to really enjoy every aspect of the blessing that I have been gifted in Taylor Reese.
It's gonna be a rough next couple of weeks b/c the memories of what transpired are painful, but we stronger for them!!!
Enjoying my little family and remembering the lives lost this Memorial Day Weekend!!!!
Four years later I have an amazing little family-a husband who thankfully was my rock during this journey, a true miracle who reminds me daily how amazing she is and an incredible job that has allowed me to fulfill my love for my patients but also be the mother that I always dreamt of being.
It may sound crazy but believe it or not, this day is hard....... I was very busy and I remember with each delivery that I managed I kept trying to ignore what I was feeling, but the inevitable was pre-term labor at 26 weeks gestation. The fear that I remember is terrifying but I just remember thinking I want to do whatever it takes to save my babies.
While each year these anniversaries become a little easier, they will always and forever be the start of a very hard time in my life. But I am so grateful that these trials gave me such an appreciation for life and have allowed me to really enjoy every aspect of the blessing that I have been gifted in Taylor Reese.
It's gonna be a rough next couple of weeks b/c the memories of what transpired are painful, but we stronger for them!!!
Enjoying my little family and remembering the lives lost this Memorial Day Weekend!!!!
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
March for Babies....
3/22/16- It has been a while since I have blogged, but as we have been gearing up for our Fourth Walk as "Team Brady and Taylor" I have had a lot on my mind. Wait.... I always have a lot on my mind- The longing for your baby is a desire that is hard to clear. But boy am I blessed to have a living, breathing, thriving, amazing, and beautiful little MIRACLE here on earth to remind me every day of just how precious life is;)
We have been doing great..... Taylor Loves School, She loves princesses, she loves the playground, she loves reading and writing, She loves her friends........ The kid loves Life!!! As we have filled out paperwork and are talking of her starting Pre-K in August, I can't help but bounce back and remember the first day I saw her tiny, transparent body with tubes and wires galore, as her tiny little arms and legs moved around and she took each day in stride. She was amazing from day 1, she fought like a champ, she never acted like a 28 weeker. She and her Brother are truly my Hero's!!! This journey has been one I never imagined, but we made it... and we truly live every day to the fullest.
Thank you Taylor and Brady for teaching daddy and mommy what is truly important in life;)))
We have been doing great..... Taylor Loves School, She loves princesses, she loves the playground, she loves reading and writing, She loves her friends........ The kid loves Life!!! As we have filled out paperwork and are talking of her starting Pre-K in August, I can't help but bounce back and remember the first day I saw her tiny, transparent body with tubes and wires galore, as her tiny little arms and legs moved around and she took each day in stride. She was amazing from day 1, she fought like a champ, she never acted like a 28 weeker. She and her Brother are truly my Hero's!!! This journey has been one I never imagined, but we made it... and we truly live every day to the fullest.
Thank you Taylor and Brady for teaching daddy and mommy what is truly important in life;)))
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
" 3 years ago Today"
8/25/15- I will never forget it- We sat side by side with a pillow across our laps and leaned over cradling our precious boy with our arms as he took his last sweet breath. It seem liked everything and everyone was moving in slow motion but really they weren't. I bathed him one last time and dressed him in a precious little outfit with some sweet socks and swaddled him, I was sure that they would remove it all but I just needed to do it. We stared at him and kissed him and told him we loved him as we turned to walk away. I can remember feeling like I might collapse , and I couldn't understand why I was having to leave without my baby and I why I would never bring him home.
Well lets fast forward to 3 years later!!!! The PAIN is still great and we still miss him more than words can say. We talk of our precious Brady Wiles daily and his sister knows him, she thinks that he is "so sweet, little baby Brady". And we know and understand that he did come home, God took him home, whole, complete, beautiful and peaceful. We are so blessed to have known, hugged, kissed, loved and fought for this precious baby. He taught me more about life in his short life than I may ever learn. But one thing for sure, Brady Wiles you taught me how to love your sister unconditionally and to be the best mommy I can be, not taking one second for granted and to love Justin and my family like there is no tomorrow.
Brady I can only imagine just how beautiful you are b/c I know how beautiful you were here on earth. We love you so much buddy and long await the day that we get to spend eternal life with you, until then continue to watch over our little family as you have. WE LOVE YOU!!!!!
Mommy, Daddy and Taylor
Well lets fast forward to 3 years later!!!! The PAIN is still great and we still miss him more than words can say. We talk of our precious Brady Wiles daily and his sister knows him, she thinks that he is "so sweet, little baby Brady". And we know and understand that he did come home, God took him home, whole, complete, beautiful and peaceful. We are so blessed to have known, hugged, kissed, loved and fought for this precious baby. He taught me more about life in his short life than I may ever learn. But one thing for sure, Brady Wiles you taught me how to love your sister unconditionally and to be the best mommy I can be, not taking one second for granted and to love Justin and my family like there is no tomorrow.
Brady I can only imagine just how beautiful you are b/c I know how beautiful you were here on earth. We love you so much buddy and long await the day that we get to spend eternal life with you, until then continue to watch over our little family as you have. WE LOVE YOU!!!!!
Mommy, Daddy and Taylor
Saturday, May 30, 2015
" The Day" 3 years later
5/28/15-
I am not completely sure that the timeline will ever really get better, I am certain that the chain of events will be with me and a constant reminder to me daily just how blessed I am. But, today is still a hard day as I remember how very scary it was to learn that my body had "failed me and my babies"- PRETERM LABOR at just 28 weeks. This year I showed Taylor where she was positioned in my belly and where Brady was positioned, she thought that was pretty funny. Not really grasping it being that she is not quite "3", she wants a baby in her belly;)) This little girl is amazing.........
She loves "School" and she loves all of her friends there, She loves anything princess, must wear a princess dress daily, loves to sing Old McDonald, B-I-N-G-O, Let-it-Go, and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Loves to Count, and loves to write/color/paint, and more than anything she loves to read to her babies (as she holds the book so they can see it and she flips the pages just like her teachers do;)))
We are gearing up for her "3rd" Birthday- I can't believe that these Precious Babies are almost 3!! Where does time go?
We Miss Brady more and more as time goes on, we wonder if he would be as outgoing as Taylor, if he would sound like her, or would he be reserved and quiet , just the constant wonder is always there. But we keep his memory alive for Taylor and just rejoice over the two of them and appreciate everyday that we get to have with our precious little Miracle that we have here!
Just like to log my thoughts;)))
Mommy and Daddy love you two so much!!!!
I am not completely sure that the timeline will ever really get better, I am certain that the chain of events will be with me and a constant reminder to me daily just how blessed I am. But, today is still a hard day as I remember how very scary it was to learn that my body had "failed me and my babies"- PRETERM LABOR at just 28 weeks. This year I showed Taylor where she was positioned in my belly and where Brady was positioned, she thought that was pretty funny. Not really grasping it being that she is not quite "3", she wants a baby in her belly;)) This little girl is amazing.........
She loves "School" and she loves all of her friends there, She loves anything princess, must wear a princess dress daily, loves to sing Old McDonald, B-I-N-G-O, Let-it-Go, and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Loves to Count, and loves to write/color/paint, and more than anything she loves to read to her babies (as she holds the book so they can see it and she flips the pages just like her teachers do;)))
We are gearing up for her "3rd" Birthday- I can't believe that these Precious Babies are almost 3!! Where does time go?
We Miss Brady more and more as time goes on, we wonder if he would be as outgoing as Taylor, if he would sound like her, or would he be reserved and quiet , just the constant wonder is always there. But we keep his memory alive for Taylor and just rejoice over the two of them and appreciate everyday that we get to have with our precious little Miracle that we have here!
Just like to log my thoughts;)))
Mommy and Daddy love you two so much!!!!
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