Tuesday, June 19, 2018
Heaven 💙💙💙💙
6/19/18
Here visiting by myself today which has only happened twice in almost 6 years......it’s so quiet and calm and talking out loud when no one else is there seems okay. It’s not sad it’s just hard to explain!! This is when you just try and remember did I kiss Him enough for a lifetime? Did I hold him tight enough? Did I tell him I love him enough? And the list goes on.........Yes I did is the answer but I still wonder sometimes!!!!
This season is bringing a lot of question and thoughts for Taylor.......
Mommy did you lay Brady down in the ground, were you holding him?
What did you put him in? (I told her a beautiful white and blue casket)
Mommy what is a casket? (Unable to answer right away due to fighting back tears, she so gracefully spoke for me answering her own question-“oh it’s a basket mommy”) Yes a basket:)
The latest question, Mommy so how is Brady In heaven if he is under the ground? I did my very best to explain this to my sweet girl!!
The seasons change and time gets sweeter, Taylor is figuring it all out- she really wants to know if Brady is still a baby or if he is Big Like Her❤️
So proud of her and the Amazing little girl she is, one day she will truly understand that she has been the rock for Justin and I.
I smile writing this because, our little family has grown in ways I never imagined possible in the past 6 years❤️😍❤️😍❤️
Monday, February 12, 2018
Time is Flying by......
2/12/18-
I thought I would drop a few notes since it has been a while since I sat down to write. Another great year has gone by. 5 1/2 Years in on this Journey of ours with our precious girl! Everyday we look in awe as we acknowledge just how lucky we are to have this 5 1/2 yr old, 46lb, amazing little Kindergartener looking back at us. She is and has been a little spit fire from day#1, and I am not sure I am ready for her determination as she gets older, LOL.
Well as we imagined the time would come that she really started to process the true understanding that Brady will never come back. She has always referenced Brady, and always stated his living with Jesus ;) But daily she inquires about Why he lives with Jesus, When will he come back, Why won't he come back, When will be go to live with him, and the list goes on. Lately everything we do, she says I know Brady would love this board game, Lets pick a book for Brady, No mommy we don't have 3 people in our family we have 4, lets sign Brady's name on the card, and that list goes on and on too. IT's HARD!!!!! But we just embrace it and do our best to make it all make sense. It is not sad conversation, so we just keep it very positive and let her inquisitive mind work.
One thing we have really noticed with her is that she really truly does have this uniqueness about her to me that is an indication that she was truly supposed to have a play mate. Her independent play is unbelievable and her energy in doing so is unreal. She has the gentle/soft/sweet side but the energy of a boy, and we feel that this is because she was supposed to have Brady to rally with. Well She is for sure living life for both of them.
While I would give anything to keep her 5 forever, I know that the years to come are going to be better than ever. And as for now She is on the count down to Turning "6", and the girl can't wait. ONLY 4 1/2 more months baby girl;))))
From 2lb 5oz 28 weeker to 46lb 5 year old.........She is my HERO and together we love and Miss Brady everyday!!!!!
I thought I would drop a few notes since it has been a while since I sat down to write. Another great year has gone by. 5 1/2 Years in on this Journey of ours with our precious girl! Everyday we look in awe as we acknowledge just how lucky we are to have this 5 1/2 yr old, 46lb, amazing little Kindergartener looking back at us. She is and has been a little spit fire from day#1, and I am not sure I am ready for her determination as she gets older, LOL.
Well as we imagined the time would come that she really started to process the true understanding that Brady will never come back. She has always referenced Brady, and always stated his living with Jesus ;) But daily she inquires about Why he lives with Jesus, When will he come back, Why won't he come back, When will be go to live with him, and the list goes on. Lately everything we do, she says I know Brady would love this board game, Lets pick a book for Brady, No mommy we don't have 3 people in our family we have 4, lets sign Brady's name on the card, and that list goes on and on too. IT's HARD!!!!! But we just embrace it and do our best to make it all make sense. It is not sad conversation, so we just keep it very positive and let her inquisitive mind work.
One thing we have really noticed with her is that she really truly does have this uniqueness about her to me that is an indication that she was truly supposed to have a play mate. Her independent play is unbelievable and her energy in doing so is unreal. She has the gentle/soft/sweet side but the energy of a boy, and we feel that this is because she was supposed to have Brady to rally with. Well She is for sure living life for both of them.
While I would give anything to keep her 5 forever, I know that the years to come are going to be better than ever. And as for now She is on the count down to Turning "6", and the girl can't wait. ONLY 4 1/2 more months baby girl;))))
From 2lb 5oz 28 weeker to 46lb 5 year old.........She is my HERO and together we love and Miss Brady everyday!!!!!
Sunday, April 2, 2017
It's been way too long.......
4/2/17-
I have been very quite over the past couple of years and I don't like this b/c blogging has been therapeutic for me and has also allowed me to reach many others. Well there is a reason for this and until this point it is b/c I just wasn't ready to share.
.
But first let me catch up for lost time by sharing about my precious Taylor Bug........She is such an amazing little Girl. I can't believe in just a few short months she will be 5 years old-- How did that happen. As each year that goes by she amazes us more and more and with passing time we realize daily just what a true miracle she is. She loves Pre-K and is so ready to be "5" and to be in Kindergarten-"She says I can't wait "!!!!! I am not ready to let her grow up but it is happening right before me..... I am so proud of her!!!!!
Well this might be super raw, but here goes.........
We have come a long way over the past 5 years, I can remember when I wasn't sure how I was going to put one foot in front of the other. We overcame the initial shock of delivering our twins at 28 weeks, my health complications immediate post delivery , the roller coaster ride of the NICU and then again my hemorrhage 5 weeks postpartum, and then the ultimate devastation of finding out we would likely have to say goodbye to our son, preparing hospice for him and then planning his funeral. But with our love and support for one another, our family/friend support and our drive to be the best that we could be for Taylor we came out on Top!!!!
It was from the very beginning that I asked God everyday to please guide me, give me strength, faith and guidance through this. I then also began to ask for clear cut answers for the future of our family. Initially having another child wasn't an option for me, not because I didn't want more children, but b/c I was scared!!!!! Well after almost 2 years of continuous prayers for guidance over what was to be for our family, it began to seem and feel abundantly clear to Justin and I that we should try and expand our family. Taylor was 3 years old and showed such a genuine love for other children and we felt that she deserved to have a living sibling. It was time!!!!
Well it has been a long 2 years to say the least!!!
July 2015 we were excited about this next Journey and ready to grow our family, of course nervous but definitely excited!!
November 2015 we had a miscarriage- we were very sad/disappointed, but had a healthy out look about it and just digested that facts that the pregnancy wasn't healthy enough to continue forward.
We pressed on, still super excited for what was to come for our family!!
April 2016 we had another miscarriage- Very sad of course and initially couldn't help but feel discouraged and I asked Why, Why did we have to give our son back , Why did we lose another in November and now again in April. WHY!!!! It was hard not to ask why, but I quickly recovered and reminded myself that this happens sometimes. And I reminded myself that trying for a year is not unusual and miscarriages aren't unusual. So I stayed positive and continued to pray for answers and guidance and I started to wonder if this was a subtle sign from what I had been praying for.
Well time continued to pass and I continued to appreciate Taylor more and more with each passing day, b/c she is truly my miracle.
3 months later-July 28th, 2016-It had been a Year so I decided to consult my OBGYN about doing some labs just to make sure at 36 years old I wasn't having any female changes.
August 2016- Much to my surprise all of my labs came back normal, EXCEPT for the one that I couldn't treat or change. Very Sad!!!!! My AMH Level was extremely, extremely low ( My ovarian reserve and egg store) was that of a 45 year old woman instead of being that of a 36 year old woman.
I cried, processed it, prayed about it and couldn't help but believe that this was another sign, but in my gut I still felt that I was meant to have another child for Taylor. So I continued to stay positive, swallowing any hurt I was feeling or disappointment.
From April 2016 to December 2016- with diligent trying and unable to conceive and strange symptoms and signs along the way, and a Consult with a reproductive Specialist who decided some test were warranted.
So here we were at a year and a half of trying to conceive with only 2 miscarriages......
December 2016- I had a procedure which many of us women have had, and HSG which determined inconclusive findings. So in February 2017 I had a pelvic MRI which was also inconclusive findings.
So finally last month March 2017, I found an Interventional Radiologist who specializes in a diagnostic procedure to confirm uterine abnormalities. He was able to give me a concrete answer.
So now at 37 years old, I have been diagnosed with a Unicornuate Uterus (being born with only one fallopian tube and essentially half of the uterine cavity). Finally I feel like so many questions are being answered!! He said I have no idea how you carried twins to 28 weeks gestation, now knowing that shape and size of your uterus. Taylor and Brady are true miracles.
So now in April 2017- knowing that my ovaries are functioning at a very low level and knowing that I only have one functional fallopian tube and knowing that my uterus is half of the normal size, we are thanking god everyday for our precious MIRACLE Here on earth b/c all odds were against her but she had and has a purpose here with us. She continues to show us everyday her love for life and her will for life.
I would be telling a lie if I said that this has been easy, it has actually taken a huge toll on me and I have struggled with some health complications over the past two years (especially in the past few months). But with the support of Justin and my love for Taylor and some amazing family and friends, again We have come out on Top.
I have never been so grateful for my incredible husband and the love that we share, my unbelievable little girl, and for my good health. And I am going to put my focus on loving this life b/c I am so incredibly blessed.
And while I am going to continue to pray daily for guidance for me and my family, I will also continue to pray for so many close friends and family around me who are going through devastating events in their lives......But I know that God has this!!!!!
I have been very quite over the past couple of years and I don't like this b/c blogging has been therapeutic for me and has also allowed me to reach many others. Well there is a reason for this and until this point it is b/c I just wasn't ready to share.
.
But first let me catch up for lost time by sharing about my precious Taylor Bug........She is such an amazing little Girl. I can't believe in just a few short months she will be 5 years old-- How did that happen. As each year that goes by she amazes us more and more and with passing time we realize daily just what a true miracle she is. She loves Pre-K and is so ready to be "5" and to be in Kindergarten-"She says I can't wait "!!!!! I am not ready to let her grow up but it is happening right before me..... I am so proud of her!!!!!
Well this might be super raw, but here goes.........
We have come a long way over the past 5 years, I can remember when I wasn't sure how I was going to put one foot in front of the other. We overcame the initial shock of delivering our twins at 28 weeks, my health complications immediate post delivery , the roller coaster ride of the NICU and then again my hemorrhage 5 weeks postpartum, and then the ultimate devastation of finding out we would likely have to say goodbye to our son, preparing hospice for him and then planning his funeral. But with our love and support for one another, our family/friend support and our drive to be the best that we could be for Taylor we came out on Top!!!!
It was from the very beginning that I asked God everyday to please guide me, give me strength, faith and guidance through this. I then also began to ask for clear cut answers for the future of our family. Initially having another child wasn't an option for me, not because I didn't want more children, but b/c I was scared!!!!! Well after almost 2 years of continuous prayers for guidance over what was to be for our family, it began to seem and feel abundantly clear to Justin and I that we should try and expand our family. Taylor was 3 years old and showed such a genuine love for other children and we felt that she deserved to have a living sibling. It was time!!!!
Well it has been a long 2 years to say the least!!!
July 2015 we were excited about this next Journey and ready to grow our family, of course nervous but definitely excited!!
November 2015 we had a miscarriage- we were very sad/disappointed, but had a healthy out look about it and just digested that facts that the pregnancy wasn't healthy enough to continue forward.
We pressed on, still super excited for what was to come for our family!!
April 2016 we had another miscarriage- Very sad of course and initially couldn't help but feel discouraged and I asked Why, Why did we have to give our son back , Why did we lose another in November and now again in April. WHY!!!! It was hard not to ask why, but I quickly recovered and reminded myself that this happens sometimes. And I reminded myself that trying for a year is not unusual and miscarriages aren't unusual. So I stayed positive and continued to pray for answers and guidance and I started to wonder if this was a subtle sign from what I had been praying for.
Well time continued to pass and I continued to appreciate Taylor more and more with each passing day, b/c she is truly my miracle.
3 months later-July 28th, 2016-It had been a Year so I decided to consult my OBGYN about doing some labs just to make sure at 36 years old I wasn't having any female changes.
August 2016- Much to my surprise all of my labs came back normal, EXCEPT for the one that I couldn't treat or change. Very Sad!!!!! My AMH Level was extremely, extremely low ( My ovarian reserve and egg store) was that of a 45 year old woman instead of being that of a 36 year old woman.
I cried, processed it, prayed about it and couldn't help but believe that this was another sign, but in my gut I still felt that I was meant to have another child for Taylor. So I continued to stay positive, swallowing any hurt I was feeling or disappointment.
From April 2016 to December 2016- with diligent trying and unable to conceive and strange symptoms and signs along the way, and a Consult with a reproductive Specialist who decided some test were warranted.
So here we were at a year and a half of trying to conceive with only 2 miscarriages......
December 2016- I had a procedure which many of us women have had, and HSG which determined inconclusive findings. So in February 2017 I had a pelvic MRI which was also inconclusive findings.
So finally last month March 2017, I found an Interventional Radiologist who specializes in a diagnostic procedure to confirm uterine abnormalities. He was able to give me a concrete answer.
So now at 37 years old, I have been diagnosed with a Unicornuate Uterus (being born with only one fallopian tube and essentially half of the uterine cavity). Finally I feel like so many questions are being answered!! He said I have no idea how you carried twins to 28 weeks gestation, now knowing that shape and size of your uterus. Taylor and Brady are true miracles.
So now in April 2017- knowing that my ovaries are functioning at a very low level and knowing that I only have one functional fallopian tube and knowing that my uterus is half of the normal size, we are thanking god everyday for our precious MIRACLE Here on earth b/c all odds were against her but she had and has a purpose here with us. She continues to show us everyday her love for life and her will for life.
I would be telling a lie if I said that this has been easy, it has actually taken a huge toll on me and I have struggled with some health complications over the past two years (especially in the past few months). But with the support of Justin and my love for Taylor and some amazing family and friends, again We have come out on Top.
I have never been so grateful for my incredible husband and the love that we share, my unbelievable little girl, and for my good health. And I am going to put my focus on loving this life b/c I am so incredibly blessed.
And while I am going to continue to pray daily for guidance for me and my family, I will also continue to pray for so many close friends and family around me who are going through devastating events in their lives......But I know that God has this!!!!!
Saturday, May 28, 2016
Four Years ago today!!!!
5/28/16- Wow, it is hard to believe how much has changed in four years, but one thing that will never change are the events that began this time four years ago. This day marks two very important anniversary's for me.... The last call shift that I worked as a midwife-a career that I loved and the start of my journey through pre-term labor at 26 weeks gestation.
Four years later I have an amazing little family-a husband who thankfully was my rock during this journey, a true miracle who reminds me daily how amazing she is and an incredible job that has allowed me to fulfill my love for my patients but also be the mother that I always dreamt of being.
It may sound crazy but believe it or not, this day is hard....... I was very busy and I remember with each delivery that I managed I kept trying to ignore what I was feeling, but the inevitable was pre-term labor at 26 weeks gestation. The fear that I remember is terrifying but I just remember thinking I want to do whatever it takes to save my babies.
While each year these anniversaries become a little easier, they will always and forever be the start of a very hard time in my life. But I am so grateful that these trials gave me such an appreciation for life and have allowed me to really enjoy every aspect of the blessing that I have been gifted in Taylor Reese.
It's gonna be a rough next couple of weeks b/c the memories of what transpired are painful, but we stronger for them!!!
Enjoying my little family and remembering the lives lost this Memorial Day Weekend!!!!
Four years later I have an amazing little family-a husband who thankfully was my rock during this journey, a true miracle who reminds me daily how amazing she is and an incredible job that has allowed me to fulfill my love for my patients but also be the mother that I always dreamt of being.
It may sound crazy but believe it or not, this day is hard....... I was very busy and I remember with each delivery that I managed I kept trying to ignore what I was feeling, but the inevitable was pre-term labor at 26 weeks gestation. The fear that I remember is terrifying but I just remember thinking I want to do whatever it takes to save my babies.
While each year these anniversaries become a little easier, they will always and forever be the start of a very hard time in my life. But I am so grateful that these trials gave me such an appreciation for life and have allowed me to really enjoy every aspect of the blessing that I have been gifted in Taylor Reese.
It's gonna be a rough next couple of weeks b/c the memories of what transpired are painful, but we stronger for them!!!
Enjoying my little family and remembering the lives lost this Memorial Day Weekend!!!!
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
March for Babies....
3/22/16- It has been a while since I have blogged, but as we have been gearing up for our Fourth Walk as "Team Brady and Taylor" I have had a lot on my mind. Wait.... I always have a lot on my mind- The longing for your baby is a desire that is hard to clear. But boy am I blessed to have a living, breathing, thriving, amazing, and beautiful little MIRACLE here on earth to remind me every day of just how precious life is;)
We have been doing great..... Taylor Loves School, She loves princesses, she loves the playground, she loves reading and writing, She loves her friends........ The kid loves Life!!! As we have filled out paperwork and are talking of her starting Pre-K in August, I can't help but bounce back and remember the first day I saw her tiny, transparent body with tubes and wires galore, as her tiny little arms and legs moved around and she took each day in stride. She was amazing from day 1, she fought like a champ, she never acted like a 28 weeker. She and her Brother are truly my Hero's!!! This journey has been one I never imagined, but we made it... and we truly live every day to the fullest.
Thank you Taylor and Brady for teaching daddy and mommy what is truly important in life;)))
We have been doing great..... Taylor Loves School, She loves princesses, she loves the playground, she loves reading and writing, She loves her friends........ The kid loves Life!!! As we have filled out paperwork and are talking of her starting Pre-K in August, I can't help but bounce back and remember the first day I saw her tiny, transparent body with tubes and wires galore, as her tiny little arms and legs moved around and she took each day in stride. She was amazing from day 1, she fought like a champ, she never acted like a 28 weeker. She and her Brother are truly my Hero's!!! This journey has been one I never imagined, but we made it... and we truly live every day to the fullest.
Thank you Taylor and Brady for teaching daddy and mommy what is truly important in life;)))
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
" 3 years ago Today"
8/25/15- I will never forget it- We sat side by side with a pillow across our laps and leaned over cradling our precious boy with our arms as he took his last sweet breath. It seem liked everything and everyone was moving in slow motion but really they weren't. I bathed him one last time and dressed him in a precious little outfit with some sweet socks and swaddled him, I was sure that they would remove it all but I just needed to do it. We stared at him and kissed him and told him we loved him as we turned to walk away. I can remember feeling like I might collapse , and I couldn't understand why I was having to leave without my baby and I why I would never bring him home.
Well lets fast forward to 3 years later!!!! The PAIN is still great and we still miss him more than words can say. We talk of our precious Brady Wiles daily and his sister knows him, she thinks that he is "so sweet, little baby Brady". And we know and understand that he did come home, God took him home, whole, complete, beautiful and peaceful. We are so blessed to have known, hugged, kissed, loved and fought for this precious baby. He taught me more about life in his short life than I may ever learn. But one thing for sure, Brady Wiles you taught me how to love your sister unconditionally and to be the best mommy I can be, not taking one second for granted and to love Justin and my family like there is no tomorrow.
Brady I can only imagine just how beautiful you are b/c I know how beautiful you were here on earth. We love you so much buddy and long await the day that we get to spend eternal life with you, until then continue to watch over our little family as you have. WE LOVE YOU!!!!!
Mommy, Daddy and Taylor
Well lets fast forward to 3 years later!!!! The PAIN is still great and we still miss him more than words can say. We talk of our precious Brady Wiles daily and his sister knows him, she thinks that he is "so sweet, little baby Brady". And we know and understand that he did come home, God took him home, whole, complete, beautiful and peaceful. We are so blessed to have known, hugged, kissed, loved and fought for this precious baby. He taught me more about life in his short life than I may ever learn. But one thing for sure, Brady Wiles you taught me how to love your sister unconditionally and to be the best mommy I can be, not taking one second for granted and to love Justin and my family like there is no tomorrow.
Brady I can only imagine just how beautiful you are b/c I know how beautiful you were here on earth. We love you so much buddy and long await the day that we get to spend eternal life with you, until then continue to watch over our little family as you have. WE LOVE YOU!!!!!
Mommy, Daddy and Taylor
Saturday, May 30, 2015
" The Day" 3 years later
5/28/15-
I am not completely sure that the timeline will ever really get better, I am certain that the chain of events will be with me and a constant reminder to me daily just how blessed I am. But, today is still a hard day as I remember how very scary it was to learn that my body had "failed me and my babies"- PRETERM LABOR at just 28 weeks. This year I showed Taylor where she was positioned in my belly and where Brady was positioned, she thought that was pretty funny. Not really grasping it being that she is not quite "3", she wants a baby in her belly;)) This little girl is amazing.........
She loves "School" and she loves all of her friends there, She loves anything princess, must wear a princess dress daily, loves to sing Old McDonald, B-I-N-G-O, Let-it-Go, and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Loves to Count, and loves to write/color/paint, and more than anything she loves to read to her babies (as she holds the book so they can see it and she flips the pages just like her teachers do;)))
We are gearing up for her "3rd" Birthday- I can't believe that these Precious Babies are almost 3!! Where does time go?
We Miss Brady more and more as time goes on, we wonder if he would be as outgoing as Taylor, if he would sound like her, or would he be reserved and quiet , just the constant wonder is always there. But we keep his memory alive for Taylor and just rejoice over the two of them and appreciate everyday that we get to have with our precious little Miracle that we have here!
Just like to log my thoughts;)))
Mommy and Daddy love you two so much!!!!
I am not completely sure that the timeline will ever really get better, I am certain that the chain of events will be with me and a constant reminder to me daily just how blessed I am. But, today is still a hard day as I remember how very scary it was to learn that my body had "failed me and my babies"- PRETERM LABOR at just 28 weeks. This year I showed Taylor where she was positioned in my belly and where Brady was positioned, she thought that was pretty funny. Not really grasping it being that she is not quite "3", she wants a baby in her belly;)) This little girl is amazing.........
She loves "School" and she loves all of her friends there, She loves anything princess, must wear a princess dress daily, loves to sing Old McDonald, B-I-N-G-O, Let-it-Go, and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Loves to Count, and loves to write/color/paint, and more than anything she loves to read to her babies (as she holds the book so they can see it and she flips the pages just like her teachers do;)))
We are gearing up for her "3rd" Birthday- I can't believe that these Precious Babies are almost 3!! Where does time go?
We Miss Brady more and more as time goes on, we wonder if he would be as outgoing as Taylor, if he would sound like her, or would he be reserved and quiet , just the constant wonder is always there. But we keep his memory alive for Taylor and just rejoice over the two of them and appreciate everyday that we get to have with our precious little Miracle that we have here!
Just like to log my thoughts;)))
Mommy and Daddy love you two so much!!!!
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Sharing Special Memories and Special people......
3/25/15-
Well today I went to celebrate the life of a very special man and his going "HOME"......
I am sharing this in my blog b/c Last Thursday Evening I shared my story of Brady's passing with a Patient whom I had been caring for for 2.5 years!! All I can say is that there was something different about this visit (In a good way)!! The spirit in the room was light and peaceful- we spoke of his life and loss and his love for riding motorcycles and supporting charities and giving back ( Which you all know that I am so passionate about-The supporting organization part/I'm scared of motorcycles)!!! Well to sum it up, it was a great visit of which ended with a big HUG as he thanked me for all that I have done for him and I replied that I felt honored to do so;)) Well Saturday I learned of his passing away while riding his motorcycle!!! It really hit me hard, I felt like he was family- he reminded me of my daddy;)
This may sound silly but I believe that his last visit was for him to say goodbye and I fully believe that he will meet Brady and tell him all about me. I believe that I felt such a strong desire to share my story b/c he would get to meet Brady sooner rather than later!! These are just my thoughts...........
I love my job and I love my patients!!!!!!
Well today I went to celebrate the life of a very special man and his going "HOME"......
I am sharing this in my blog b/c Last Thursday Evening I shared my story of Brady's passing with a Patient whom I had been caring for for 2.5 years!! All I can say is that there was something different about this visit (In a good way)!! The spirit in the room was light and peaceful- we spoke of his life and loss and his love for riding motorcycles and supporting charities and giving back ( Which you all know that I am so passionate about-The supporting organization part/I'm scared of motorcycles)!!! Well to sum it up, it was a great visit of which ended with a big HUG as he thanked me for all that I have done for him and I replied that I felt honored to do so;)) Well Saturday I learned of his passing away while riding his motorcycle!!! It really hit me hard, I felt like he was family- he reminded me of my daddy;)
This may sound silly but I believe that his last visit was for him to say goodbye and I fully believe that he will meet Brady and tell him all about me. I believe that I felt such a strong desire to share my story b/c he would get to meet Brady sooner rather than later!! These are just my thoughts...........
I love my job and I love my patients!!!!!!
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
A Huge Milestone......
01/21/2015- A Huge Milestone for me.............
I wasn't quite sure when this day would come for me, but it just felt like it was time. Taylor is 2 years and 7 months now, before we know it we will be planning her 3rd Birthday and I just felt like it was time to finally transition Taylor and Brady's room to just Taylors room ( Brady's Closet and drawers had remained untouched until now), But Today we will remove those items and package them nicely. I really didn't remember just how ready I was for him, but today was a great reminder:( The pain swirled back, the heartbreak resurfaced and tears began to flow-But also a sweet reminder of how excited we were to prepare for him. Taylor helped me as we emptied his drawers, she got all of his socks, his towels, wash cloths, burp cloths, etc. Taylor began to notice that a lot of Brady's things were exactly like hers just Blue instead of Pink. It was so sweet, she would go and get her blanket that matched his and her cup labels that matched his and her brush that matched his, and so on..........
While this was a very hard task I felt that it was right, it was a symbol to me that God was telling me it is okay, it is time:)) I can only dream that either one day I may have another son that will be so honored to use all of Brady's Items, and if that isn't so then someone else will have a special child whom I will hand these items down to. I smile when I think of seeing these items being used one day;)
While we continue to talk of Brady and tell Taylor about Brady, we know that she doesn't completely grasp who he is, but I tell you one thing she sure does have a connection with him that we may never fully understand completely. She periodically speaks of him as though she feels him. We went to talk to him at the cemetery, and as we pull in she says " We are here to see Brady"..... Well this particulary time on Christmas Day we went, visited and pack up and we were all pretty quite pulling out and as we hit the Exit, Taylor says out of No where " Brady is Happy"!!!! Justin and I looked at eachother and just smiled and we said Brady is Happy;)) WE KNOW HE IS...... AND SHE CONFIRMED IT!!! There are times that you question your decisions when you are faced with making end of life decisions for your child~~~~~ But there is no doubt, BRADY IS HAPPY!!!!!
Taylor is so much fun.... She is Amazing!! She is Definitely 2 1/2, and is definitely testing the waters, and definitely spending some time in TIME OUT, But I am so grateful that she is doing these things b/c as we know without her strength, will to live and determination she might not have been doing these things. We love you Taylor Reese and look forward to enjoying every stage with you!!!!!
Taylor having a snack and Calling Mandy........
A few of Brady's Things.....
Some more special items.....
Friday, December 12, 2014
Two and a Half.......
12/12/14- -Well Today my sweet Taylor is 2 1/2 years old....WOW..... Hard to believe my baby is growing up so fast!! She is so amazing- I look at her everyday and feel so grateful for what I have learned as her Mommy. I appreciate this little girl more than words....I give so much thanks to her sweet Brother Brady who taught me what really matters about life. I'm not saying that I don't get frusturated when it takes me an hour longer to shop, or feel overwhelmed when my house is messy, or feel tired, but I definitely love and appreciate all of the normal things that go hand in hand with being a mommy!!! Thank you Taylor and Brady for making me the mommy that I am and teaching me so much about life over the past 2 1/2 years!!!
Well Taylor is just rocking along: She still loves baby dolls, She has Four favorite Princess (Sophia, Ariel, Belle, and Cindrella), She loves Mickey Mouse, Cooking and having tea parties are what our mornings off together consist of, She loves to review all of her colors, She loves to tell me her letters and associate with appropriate word (D for Dad, T for Taylor, Z for zoey, K for Kieran), She says in a very exaggerated manner "I'm 2 years old", She gets a few songs mixed up but it is so cute I can't correct it "You wanna Build a snowman because the bible tells me so" (a little frozen and jesus loves me;)))))) We practice gymnastics all the time and she loves class with Mrs Nicole, etc, etc.
This girl blows me away;)))) I am so lucky to be her mommy- I can only imagine how amazing Brady is!!! Boy oh Boy do I wonder everyday.... I out of the blue told a patient about him today. I typically wouldn't do that , but you know what it felt so good!!! I love that Boy more than anything and want to tell everyone that I see all about him!! Sometimes I just do.
Well Taylor is just rocking along: She still loves baby dolls, She has Four favorite Princess (Sophia, Ariel, Belle, and Cindrella), She loves Mickey Mouse, Cooking and having tea parties are what our mornings off together consist of, She loves to review all of her colors, She loves to tell me her letters and associate with appropriate word (D for Dad, T for Taylor, Z for zoey, K for Kieran), She says in a very exaggerated manner "I'm 2 years old", She gets a few songs mixed up but it is so cute I can't correct it "You wanna Build a snowman because the bible tells me so" (a little frozen and jesus loves me;)))))) We practice gymnastics all the time and she loves class with Mrs Nicole, etc, etc.
This girl blows me away;)))) I am so lucky to be her mommy- I can only imagine how amazing Brady is!!! Boy oh Boy do I wonder everyday.... I out of the blue told a patient about him today. I typically wouldn't do that , but you know what it felt so good!!! I love that Boy more than anything and want to tell everyone that I see all about him!! Sometimes I just do.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Celebrating A true Miracle.....
9/21/14- Today is no special day, it is just another day..... But for whatever reason my babies-both of them have been heavy on my mind. This is actually not uncommon as not a day goes by that I don't think of them both, but for some reason today feelings and emotions are really strong!!! As I was on my way to work this morning I had this overwhelming thought of how it would be for Taylor to have a living sibling, what a great sister she would be/is... Lots of thoughts!!! Taylor loves to look at pictures of Brady, of course she calls him Baby Brady;))) It makes me smile!!! She is amazing, a true miracle and a blessing to Justin and I. I truly celebrate her life everyday.
Taylor is 2yrs and 3 mths and growing rapidly before my eyes!!!!
She loves gymnastics, she loves kids and is obsessed with babies;)) She loves mickey and Minnie mouse, little Einsteins, Doc McStuffins and Sophia the First!!! she eats whatever is put in front of her, her vocabulary is unbelievable, communication is like a small adult;))) Her Manners are precious: "Thank you so much Momma", "No 'e' Mam", "Yes 'e' Mam", not sure where the 'e' is coming from but it is precious;)) She is just our precious miracle that continues to amaze us daily- We love that girl!!!!
On days like today when the thought of my babies is some what tough, I choose to rejoice over our miracle and remember the beautiful 3 months that we shared with Brady!!!
Love you two!!!
Taylor is 2yrs and 3 mths and growing rapidly before my eyes!!!!
She loves gymnastics, she loves kids and is obsessed with babies;)) She loves mickey and Minnie mouse, little Einsteins, Doc McStuffins and Sophia the First!!! she eats whatever is put in front of her, her vocabulary is unbelievable, communication is like a small adult;))) Her Manners are precious: "Thank you so much Momma", "No 'e' Mam", "Yes 'e' Mam", not sure where the 'e' is coming from but it is precious;)) She is just our precious miracle that continues to amaze us daily- We love that girl!!!!
On days like today when the thought of my babies is some what tough, I choose to rejoice over our miracle and remember the beautiful 3 months that we shared with Brady!!!
Love you two!!!
Thursday, August 21, 2014
5 Painful Days
8/20/14- It was two years ago today , 2.5 months after Brady and Taylor were born that Brady was transported to CHOA- And we were informed by Egleston's NICU team of Brady's true Brain damage/Injury. I will never forget these next 5 days as long as I live. It was meetings with second/third opinions, many questions, and major decisions. It was real, the damage had been there, and we were just finding out! The pain is just as real today as it was then, I would say this second year is even a little more painful than that 1 year anniversary;( But the only difference is that I have peace in knowing that God is continuing to use Brady in changing so many lives!!!!
I am gearing up for August 25th, as it will be painful but we will celebrate him and his life .................
I am gearing up for August 25th, as it will be painful but we will celebrate him and his life .................
Thursday, May 29, 2014
"The Day"
5/28/14- May 28th probably just seems like any old day to most people, but today two years later this day is very significant to me. On this day two years ago, I drove to my call shift at 6:00 am just like any old day, I was 26 5/7 weeks pregnant. It was busy, four deliveries and two C-sections later, I didn't feel right, but never in a million years did I imagine that pre-term labor would admit me to the hospital where I would hang out until I delivered but It did;((( Well now two years later this day just reminds me of the beginning of so many life changing events....... So today I decided I would stay busy and enjoy/love/hug/kiss/laugh/and squeeze my precious little miracle who has picked me up and carried me through this heart wrenching whirl wind of a ride!!! I love you Taylor;)))))
Several times today I just stopped and said this little girl is amazing;)) She is 23 months, 20.5 months adjusted (one month from now I don't ever have to hear adjusted age ever again;))))) , and she is talking in sentences, writes with a pen like an adult with both hands and tells me as she is writing a line and a circle, she says "ABC and 123", she is really using her Spanish that Mrs Elba teaches her, She dances to all kinds of music, etc, but most importantly she makes me smile all day every day.
Brady taught me what being a mommy is all about and I am so proud but sad to say that having lost him has made me a better Mommy, never taking one day/one minute/one second for granted.
I am still struggling with the conversation of children ;( twice in one week I have left a conversation feeling horrible. I don't know when this will become easy, but right now its sucks.
The question how many children do you have? or Is she your only one?, and I hesitate and then say Yes, b/c I don't want to make them feel bad or ackward in telling them that I had a son who passed away!! But then I leave feeling horrible b/c I didn't tell someone about my precious Son Brady who was 7lb 14 oz when he passed, whom I got to hold and love and kiss for 3 months, who God needed more than I did. I know that in time, this will get easier but right now its not.
Well, these are just my feelings today!! For some reason I will never forget this day as long as I live, b/c it knocked me off my feet just two years ago and made me realize a lot about life.
Taylor Reese and Brady Wiles, Mommy and Daddy love you two so much;)))))))
Several times today I just stopped and said this little girl is amazing;)) She is 23 months, 20.5 months adjusted (one month from now I don't ever have to hear adjusted age ever again;))))) , and she is talking in sentences, writes with a pen like an adult with both hands and tells me as she is writing a line and a circle, she says "ABC and 123", she is really using her Spanish that Mrs Elba teaches her, She dances to all kinds of music, etc, but most importantly she makes me smile all day every day.
Brady taught me what being a mommy is all about and I am so proud but sad to say that having lost him has made me a better Mommy, never taking one day/one minute/one second for granted.
I am still struggling with the conversation of children ;( twice in one week I have left a conversation feeling horrible. I don't know when this will become easy, but right now its sucks.
The question how many children do you have? or Is she your only one?, and I hesitate and then say Yes, b/c I don't want to make them feel bad or ackward in telling them that I had a son who passed away!! But then I leave feeling horrible b/c I didn't tell someone about my precious Son Brady who was 7lb 14 oz when he passed, whom I got to hold and love and kiss for 3 months, who God needed more than I did. I know that in time, this will get easier but right now its not.
Well, these are just my feelings today!! For some reason I will never forget this day as long as I live, b/c it knocked me off my feet just two years ago and made me realize a lot about life.
Taylor Reese and Brady Wiles, Mommy and Daddy love you two so much;)))))))
Saturday, May 3, 2014
" So Many Blessings, yet so much heartache"
5/3/14- Taylor will be 23 months actual age (20.5 months adjusted) in just a few days. She is amazing!!!! She really does blow my mind everyday. She is such a neat kid, her routine is so sweet- When Justin gets home from work she runs to the door saying " Hi DaDa, tractor vroom vroom, peeeese, peeese" And this is everyday!! So they cruise the property on daddy's tractor for about 30 minutes and then she says, " Truck, Truck, get keys", so next they sit in Justin's work truck while she pretends to drive, and she is not happy unless he is sitting next to her!! This kid spends majority of her day outside playing/running/hugging dogs, etc. But a tractor ride everyday is a must;)))) No one could imagine what joy this brings to me to see Justin and Taylor have such a special relationship- she loves her daddy and boy does he love her!!!!!!! Taylor loves everyone, she especially loves kids!! We go to the park once or twice per week and the first thing she says to any kids that are there is " Come on Kids" as she is waving them over;)) She says Hug, Hug to any child that is around until they give her a hug!!!! She is so loving. She absolutely loves baby dolls- she sleeps with 5 babies;)) She eats anything, and eats very good!! She doesn't really have a favorite, she likes it all!!! She does love milk, and of course cookies!!!! We have started to introduce potty training- she loves to tell you that she is peeing and pooping while it is taking place and she loves to take you to the bathroom and point to the toilet and say teetee or poopoo, but she doesn't want to actually go on potty!! But we are in no rush, we are just having fun with her learning;))) Favorite things to say: " I did it, yay", " be careful", "Table, pike, v-sit (as she performs her gymnastics)", " sit down mama", " Go outside", " Tractor Vroom Vroom", " Papa Hold you, ride combine" ( She repeats combine over and over until papa takes her for a ride on the combine".
I love this girl so much!!!! She is my saving grace!!
Well, she has started saying something new recently. She has started referencing Brady as her Brother, she says" Brady Broder"!!! I absolutely love it, but it breaks my heart b/c I dread the day that she understands and wants to know why Brady lives with Jesus!! Right now she looks at his pictures and says, "Brady Night Night"!!! Her innocence is precious!!! I just remind myself that I can do this;))))
Well, I have to admit that this second year has not been easy, I miss Brady so much, more than words!! I find myself trying to make sense of why God needed him more than me, I sometimes ask out loud why didn't I deserve him, I ask my self lots of questions and I just can't help it. I'm still sad, I'm still mad, I'm still in disbelief, etc.. My compassionate friends group told me that this would be a hard year and I didn't want to believe it, but it is hard. I am waiting patiently yet working diligently toward healing. My best days are when I am at work, I love my job- I am so lucky to have a job that I love, it is busy, great people and it keeps me focused. My off days are hard b/c I allow my self to think about what could have been, and what should have been and I want it so bad, but I will never get to experience raising Brady and Taylor together, I can only dream of it!!!!!!! Boy is it a Beautiful dream to think about-that is all I have!!!!! I just continue to pray and I know that in time that just like I have already come a long way I will continue to heal even further. Right now it just feels really bad!!!
Three things I am so proud of that keeps me going is my precious Miracle Taylor who is amazing, My rock of a husband and the fact that these two precious babies are continuing to impact so many lives- Team Brady and Taylor raised almost $14,000 dollars for March of Dimes and will continue to support in raising awareness of prematurity.
Sweet Taylor and Angel Brady, Mommy and Daddy love you so much!!!!!!!
I love this girl so much!!!! She is my saving grace!!
Well, she has started saying something new recently. She has started referencing Brady as her Brother, she says" Brady Broder"!!! I absolutely love it, but it breaks my heart b/c I dread the day that she understands and wants to know why Brady lives with Jesus!! Right now she looks at his pictures and says, "Brady Night Night"!!! Her innocence is precious!!! I just remind myself that I can do this;))))
Well, I have to admit that this second year has not been easy, I miss Brady so much, more than words!! I find myself trying to make sense of why God needed him more than me, I sometimes ask out loud why didn't I deserve him, I ask my self lots of questions and I just can't help it. I'm still sad, I'm still mad, I'm still in disbelief, etc.. My compassionate friends group told me that this would be a hard year and I didn't want to believe it, but it is hard. I am waiting patiently yet working diligently toward healing. My best days are when I am at work, I love my job- I am so lucky to have a job that I love, it is busy, great people and it keeps me focused. My off days are hard b/c I allow my self to think about what could have been, and what should have been and I want it so bad, but I will never get to experience raising Brady and Taylor together, I can only dream of it!!!!!!! Boy is it a Beautiful dream to think about-that is all I have!!!!! I just continue to pray and I know that in time that just like I have already come a long way I will continue to heal even further. Right now it just feels really bad!!!
Three things I am so proud of that keeps me going is my precious Miracle Taylor who is amazing, My rock of a husband and the fact that these two precious babies are continuing to impact so many lives- Team Brady and Taylor raised almost $14,000 dollars for March of Dimes and will continue to support in raising awareness of prematurity.
Sweet Taylor and Angel Brady, Mommy and Daddy love you so much!!!!!!!
Saturday, March 29, 2014
3/29/14- " My heart is smiling"....
3/29/14- Today has been such an incredible day- I watched my precious little Taylor enjoy swimming lessons with Justin and then we enjoyed a cookies and milk birthday party for two of Taylors sweet friends and one of mommy's dear friends and then I watched Taylor, Kieran, and Gracie play tonight at Kieran's 2nd birthday party- no one would ever believe us if we told them our stories. These three precious babies were all born far too early, but have more than beat the odds, but unfortunately we all had to say goodbye to one of our twins. I am so thankful for these ladies, I don't think I could ever truly tell them what there friendships have done for me.
As I watched them all play tonight, I thanked god for his true blessing/miracle in Taylor.
While I remember everyday how blessed we are to have Taylor who managed to overcome every obstacle that could be for a 28 weeker, I also remember that our other precious Baby endured every last obstacle and just wasn't able to overcome them.
As we inch closer and closer to their second birthday, I am overjoyed at what an incredible little girl Taylor has grown into, but it makes me miss Brady more and more-because I just can't help but WONDER?
But everytime I think of that little boy, or I miss that little boy, or I cry about my little boy- I hug Taylor a little tighter and I formulate my next goal for contributing to march of dimes to fight against prematurity!!!
Well, I just wanted to share about this beautiful day we shared with beautiful people!!!
As I watched them all play tonight, I thanked god for his true blessing/miracle in Taylor.
While I remember everyday how blessed we are to have Taylor who managed to overcome every obstacle that could be for a 28 weeker, I also remember that our other precious Baby endured every last obstacle and just wasn't able to overcome them.
As we inch closer and closer to their second birthday, I am overjoyed at what an incredible little girl Taylor has grown into, but it makes me miss Brady more and more-because I just can't help but WONDER?
But everytime I think of that little boy, or I miss that little boy, or I cry about my little boy- I hug Taylor a little tighter and I formulate my next goal for contributing to march of dimes to fight against prematurity!!!
Well, I just wanted to share about this beautiful day we shared with beautiful people!!!
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
20 months old.......4 months until it has been 2 years!!!!!!!
2/19/14- The past couple of days, I have just felt consumed with his presence!!!!!!! Brady's presence that is..........WHY....... I don't know, but I have felt him with me;))) What a great feeling!!! When I feel him it makes me love Taylor even stronger and I never imagined I could love her anymore.
Taylor is 20 months which seems absolulely obsurd to me, but she will definitely be 2 years old in 4 months. I am not sure where the time has gone, but while it is been very emotionally trying it has been so incredible watching my precious little miracle grow into the amazing toddler she is today.
I often say out loud " That little girl right in front of me was 2lbs and 28 weeks, no one would ever believe me", I think to myself how lucky we are that she escaped all of the complications that her precious brother had to endure. He saved her life, he really did, while he had to sacrifice his own!!!!
I love you Brady and I miss you every day- I flash back to the 3 months that I got to love you and hold you and read to you and smell you- oh I miss you, but I smile bigger and bigger when I think of the life that you are living everyday!!!
While Gods master plan is very hard to understand, your purpose is apparent and you have touched and changed so many lives!!!
Your sister loves looking at your pictures, she kisses you, she pats your face, and she is learning all about you!!!! You will live on with us forever until we meet again my precious little boy!!!!
We love you, Mommy, Daddy and Taylor
Taylor is 20 months which seems absolulely obsurd to me, but she will definitely be 2 years old in 4 months. I am not sure where the time has gone, but while it is been very emotionally trying it has been so incredible watching my precious little miracle grow into the amazing toddler she is today.
I often say out loud " That little girl right in front of me was 2lbs and 28 weeks, no one would ever believe me", I think to myself how lucky we are that she escaped all of the complications that her precious brother had to endure. He saved her life, he really did, while he had to sacrifice his own!!!!
I love you Brady and I miss you every day- I flash back to the 3 months that I got to love you and hold you and read to you and smell you- oh I miss you, but I smile bigger and bigger when I think of the life that you are living everyday!!!
While Gods master plan is very hard to understand, your purpose is apparent and you have touched and changed so many lives!!!
Your sister loves looking at your pictures, she kisses you, she pats your face, and she is learning all about you!!!! You will live on with us forever until we meet again my precious little boy!!!!
We love you, Mommy, Daddy and Taylor
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Happy New Year;))) Taylor is almost 19 Months old and 16 Months without Brady!
1/4/2014- A New Year, A New Day, The New Us!!!!
I have been trying to blog for several weeks now, but for some reason it has been so hard!! So here goes.
I want to begin by wishing everyone a Happy New year!
Taylor is growing up so fast, she will be 19 months old in a week and I am not sure where the time has gone. She is running and playing like a big girl, she is talking unbelievably: Her favorite lines are "Unn get down", " Yone go bye-bye", "Go Nite-Nite"", "Eat-Eat"," Hi-Da-da", "Bye Da-Da" " More-More-More (with sign language), " Agua-Agua " if no response with giving her a cup of water, then she proceeds with "Water-Water", " Baby-Nite-Nite", "Hi-Hi or Hi errbody" as she waves with a pageant wave to everyone and I mean everyone" the other sentences are to be determined;))) She talks all day long and I love it. This kid does not know a stranger and she makes it her business to greet everyone around her with a smile /wave/ Hi;) She loves food, and she only wants big girl food on a big girl plate , and might I add she only wants a big girl cup these days- no need for a sippy cup (she thinks);))) She absolutely loves kids of all ages, but she especially loves babies and will do anything to get close to any baby around. She rocks/feeds/kisses and strollers her babies all day, except for when she takes a break to cook us a meal in her kitchen (while she says over and over-cook-cook-cook and periodically taste what she is cooking and says YUMMMMM!!!) I love this girl, she is amazing and thank God for her everyday!!! She has truly saved me!!!! Taylor Reese you are my saving Grace and one day I will tell you all about it!!!! But I can't help but believe we are seeing Brady Shine through her everyday!!!!
As for Brady, of course I miss him more than ever!!! The pain is not any better, I am just learning better how to live with it. But Brady is just as amazing as Taylor and this holiday season more than proved that to me!! He is continuing to touch lives, change practices, and move mountains. Both of my babies have touched so many and that was apparent by seeing our community come together and donate in their honor to the March of Dimes a whopping $8600 in less than 3months. That speaks volumes and I believe that Brady is continuing his work hear from a far and I know that will continue!!!
Not sure why, but I have really been having a hard time recently. I have been to his grave site more recently than ever, while I know he is not physically there I feel that desire and need to go and be with him. I want to hold him, smell him, feed him, bathe him, etc......... I know I will again someday!!! I have joined an incredible group-The Compassionate Friends group and we meet in Griffin once a month and that has really helped b/c it is all parents of deceased children, so we all know and understand. I know that feelings will surface time to time and I know that living with this is the new us, and I am just slowly continuing to adjust to living this new normal. I am praying for increased closure in 2014 for some anger that I have held onto in the loss of my precious Brady. God as my leader has continued to show me the way in my healing. I love you dearly my precious Brady and I know that you are just as beautiful as your precious twin sister, I can only imagine how precious you are and I can imagine your glow!!! We will continue to speak of you and speak to you so that your sister knows just how special you are!! WE LOVE YOU BUDDY AND MISS YOU SO MUCH!!! UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN!!
Love, Mommy, Daddy, and Taylor
I have been trying to blog for several weeks now, but for some reason it has been so hard!! So here goes.
I want to begin by wishing everyone a Happy New year!
Taylor is growing up so fast, she will be 19 months old in a week and I am not sure where the time has gone. She is running and playing like a big girl, she is talking unbelievably: Her favorite lines are "Unn get down", " Yone go bye-bye", "Go Nite-Nite"", "Eat-Eat"," Hi-Da-da", "Bye Da-Da" " More-More-More (with sign language), " Agua-Agua " if no response with giving her a cup of water, then she proceeds with "Water-Water", " Baby-Nite-Nite", "Hi-Hi or Hi errbody" as she waves with a pageant wave to everyone and I mean everyone" the other sentences are to be determined;))) She talks all day long and I love it. This kid does not know a stranger and she makes it her business to greet everyone around her with a smile /wave/ Hi;) She loves food, and she only wants big girl food on a big girl plate , and might I add she only wants a big girl cup these days- no need for a sippy cup (she thinks);))) She absolutely loves kids of all ages, but she especially loves babies and will do anything to get close to any baby around. She rocks/feeds/kisses and strollers her babies all day, except for when she takes a break to cook us a meal in her kitchen (while she says over and over-cook-cook-cook and periodically taste what she is cooking and says YUMMMMM!!!) I love this girl, she is amazing and thank God for her everyday!!! She has truly saved me!!!! Taylor Reese you are my saving Grace and one day I will tell you all about it!!!! But I can't help but believe we are seeing Brady Shine through her everyday!!!!
As for Brady, of course I miss him more than ever!!! The pain is not any better, I am just learning better how to live with it. But Brady is just as amazing as Taylor and this holiday season more than proved that to me!! He is continuing to touch lives, change practices, and move mountains. Both of my babies have touched so many and that was apparent by seeing our community come together and donate in their honor to the March of Dimes a whopping $8600 in less than 3months. That speaks volumes and I believe that Brady is continuing his work hear from a far and I know that will continue!!!
Not sure why, but I have really been having a hard time recently. I have been to his grave site more recently than ever, while I know he is not physically there I feel that desire and need to go and be with him. I want to hold him, smell him, feed him, bathe him, etc......... I know I will again someday!!! I have joined an incredible group-The Compassionate Friends group and we meet in Griffin once a month and that has really helped b/c it is all parents of deceased children, so we all know and understand. I know that feelings will surface time to time and I know that living with this is the new us, and I am just slowly continuing to adjust to living this new normal. I am praying for increased closure in 2014 for some anger that I have held onto in the loss of my precious Brady. God as my leader has continued to show me the way in my healing. I love you dearly my precious Brady and I know that you are just as beautiful as your precious twin sister, I can only imagine how precious you are and I can imagine your glow!!! We will continue to speak of you and speak to you so that your sister knows just how special you are!! WE LOVE YOU BUDDY AND MISS YOU SO MUCH!!! UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN!!
Love, Mommy, Daddy, and Taylor
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Where have almost 16 months gone????
Well we have been back from our incredible Road Trip for one week!!! We had a great time!!!
Our Trip went like this:
State 1- Colorado
- Almont Colorado- Harmels Ranch
- Gunnison, CO
- Crested Butte, CO
- Somerset, CO
- Paonia, CO
- Steam Boat Springs, CO
*Gunnison National Park -one side to the other and back
State 2- Wyoming
-Got pulled over for going 37 in a 30 in Baggs, WY and then 1.5 hours later got pulled over again for 40 in a 30 in Pinedale- No tickets;)))
- Jackson/Downtown Jackson Hole, WY
-Antler Inn
- Grand Teton National Park
-42 Mile Scenic loop
-Lake Jenny boat tour/shuttle
-Hiked up to hidden falls and inspiration point
-Grand Teton Village
-Yellow Stone National Park
1. Lewis River Canyon
2. Hayden Valley-Mud Volcano
3. Grand Canyon of Yellowstone
4. Norris Geysor Basin/Museum
5. Firehole Canyon/Falls
6. Midway Geyser Basin
7. Old Faithful Geyser
8. Roaring Mountain
9. Mammoth Hot springs
State 3- Montana
-West Yellowstone Montana
-Old town West Yellow Stone
-Brandin Iron Inn
-Old Town Cody, WY
-The Cody
-Buffalo Bill Museum
-Thermopolis Hot Mineral Springs
-Wyoming Dinosaur Museum
-Wind River Canyon scenic byway
-Casper, WY
-Cheyenne, WY
* We will definitely be returning next year to see all of Montana and back to Wyoming;)))) Taylor was a trooper, she rolled with the frequent hotel stays, lots of travel and even took one of her first steps in a rest area in Colorado;))))))
While attending our great friends wedding in Colorado Brady joined us at the ceremony, he gently landed on the brides hair during the ceremony, we felt his presence so many times during our travels and it was so warm and comforting!!!
Taylor is now 16 months actual and 13 months adjusted and she is such a little spitfire!!! She is walking and talking and into everything!!! Although she walks, she still drops and crawls like lightning when she wants to get somewhere real fast!!! She says, DaDa, Mama, bot-bot (bottle), night-night, goggie (doggie), Hi, Bye, Bye-Bye, Hello, Uh-oh, Yuck!!! Anything else that she says right now is her own language and we just respond and nod with a smile!! She loves unlocking our iphones and scrolling through each page!! She loves food- she weaned herself from baby food about three weeks ago and she is getting whole milk and loving it!!! Our little girl is growing up so fast. This warms my heart because there was definitely a time when I was fearful !!!! I love this girl.
So while I'm watching Taylor meet all of these incredible milestones my mind ventures off to the world of wondering how and why- how come i dont get to have both of my babies, how would Brady have sounded, how would he move, would he crawl, walk? Why, why, why??? I wonder if he would have theses beautiful eyes like Taylor, would he throw tantrums when he is tired like she does!!! The wonder that I have to live with consumes me!!!! Oh my goodness I never imagined I could make it 13 months with out him but I have, because I trust in god!!!
We Miss him so much everyday and we talk of him and to him everyday!!!! We look forward to seeing and holding him again one day, but until then we will remember him and continue to allow his life to impact others as he has done each and everyday!!!
I am so thrilled to be going to an event in November, where I we will share our story and continue to raise awareness of prematurity and preterm birth. This event will reach out to many from across the state of georgia!!! Brady and Taylor's Story is moving Mountains!!!!!!
Our Trip went like this:
State 1- Colorado
- Almont Colorado- Harmels Ranch
- Gunnison, CO
- Crested Butte, CO
- Somerset, CO
- Paonia, CO
- Steam Boat Springs, CO
*Gunnison National Park -one side to the other and back
State 2- Wyoming
-Got pulled over for going 37 in a 30 in Baggs, WY and then 1.5 hours later got pulled over again for 40 in a 30 in Pinedale- No tickets;)))
- Jackson/Downtown Jackson Hole, WY
-Antler Inn
- Grand Teton National Park
-42 Mile Scenic loop
-Lake Jenny boat tour/shuttle
-Hiked up to hidden falls and inspiration point
-Grand Teton Village
-Yellow Stone National Park
1. Lewis River Canyon
2. Hayden Valley-Mud Volcano
3. Grand Canyon of Yellowstone
4. Norris Geysor Basin/Museum
5. Firehole Canyon/Falls
6. Midway Geyser Basin
7. Old Faithful Geyser
8. Roaring Mountain
9. Mammoth Hot springs
State 3- Montana
-West Yellowstone Montana
-Old town West Yellow Stone
-Brandin Iron Inn
-Old Town Cody, WY
-The Cody
-Buffalo Bill Museum
-Thermopolis Hot Mineral Springs
-Wyoming Dinosaur Museum
-Wind River Canyon scenic byway
-Casper, WY
-Cheyenne, WY
* We will definitely be returning next year to see all of Montana and back to Wyoming;)))) Taylor was a trooper, she rolled with the frequent hotel stays, lots of travel and even took one of her first steps in a rest area in Colorado;))))))
While attending our great friends wedding in Colorado Brady joined us at the ceremony, he gently landed on the brides hair during the ceremony, we felt his presence so many times during our travels and it was so warm and comforting!!!
Taylor is now 16 months actual and 13 months adjusted and she is such a little spitfire!!! She is walking and talking and into everything!!! Although she walks, she still drops and crawls like lightning when she wants to get somewhere real fast!!! She says, DaDa, Mama, bot-bot (bottle), night-night, goggie (doggie), Hi, Bye, Bye-Bye, Hello, Uh-oh, Yuck!!! Anything else that she says right now is her own language and we just respond and nod with a smile!! She loves unlocking our iphones and scrolling through each page!! She loves food- she weaned herself from baby food about three weeks ago and she is getting whole milk and loving it!!! Our little girl is growing up so fast. This warms my heart because there was definitely a time when I was fearful !!!! I love this girl.
So while I'm watching Taylor meet all of these incredible milestones my mind ventures off to the world of wondering how and why- how come i dont get to have both of my babies, how would Brady have sounded, how would he move, would he crawl, walk? Why, why, why??? I wonder if he would have theses beautiful eyes like Taylor, would he throw tantrums when he is tired like she does!!! The wonder that I have to live with consumes me!!!! Oh my goodness I never imagined I could make it 13 months with out him but I have, because I trust in god!!!
We Miss him so much everyday and we talk of him and to him everyday!!!! We look forward to seeing and holding him again one day, but until then we will remember him and continue to allow his life to impact others as he has done each and everyday!!!
I am so thrilled to be going to an event in November, where I we will share our story and continue to raise awareness of prematurity and preterm birth. This event will reach out to many from across the state of georgia!!! Brady and Taylor's Story is moving Mountains!!!!!!
Thursday, September 5, 2013
I made it ............
9/5/13-
Today was a GREAT day!!! I started the beginning of a tradition that I want to continue forever. My, mom, sister and I (hopefully one day my sis n law will be able to go;) )always go to the Yellow Daisy Festival, and this year Taylor Reese went with us- our special girls tradition!!!!!
It felt so good to have such a great day, b/c over the last year there have actually been a few times that I asked myself if I would ever have a Great Day again-even though I knew I would it felt impossible.
We went and celebrated Brady's anniversary and our 7th wedding anniversary at Rosemary Beach, it was painful, it was sad, anger came back, disappointment came back, every emotion that I felt just one short year ago. But, we meant that we were going to make it a celebration. So we lit a special candle meant for remembrance, and we allowed it to burn for 26 hours. I can't describe it, it actually felt like there was a presence amongst us, it was beautiful- in memory of our precious Brady!!!!! This trip was the beginning of me realizing that we can have fun still/again, we can live again, we can breathe again- all of those felt like they were gone. I am quite certain I have aged 10 years in the past year, but this was my turning point!!! This was an absolutely incredible trip!!
So many wild and reassuring signs:
I really believe that while I would never ask for Brady to be back here on earth, and while he will never be back in my arms here on earth- We will be together again for eternity!!!! I also know that god sends me beautiful symbolism of him, it is amazing!!!! There are days that I'm not sure I will make it through and low and behold, a beautiful butterfly will escort me down the drive, or hovever over me as I groom my flowers or lawn, and even times when I am crying while driving and one will just swoop down in front of the windshield. That is my reassurance that god hears me ;)))))
I can't make sense of some things, but I do feel certain that all that I endure is meant to aid in my healing process. Like the fact that everyday for this past year, I have either seen a set of twins or met someone with twins and I mean every single day. Although it is in a sense like daggers at times, it is therapeutic in making me work through my pain.
Brady Wiles has made me a person that I really like, I thought of myself as a good person: honest, sincere, loyal prior to my loss, but I am even more of the person I wanted to be- all of those things plus a woman who is very strong in my faith, and I look at life and people with a very different eye. Brady Wiles you are the most corageous person I know, you showed me more about life in 74 days than I have learned in my 33 years here on earth. I love you and miss you everyday!!! Oh what I would give to hold you, smell you, kiss you, feed you , on and on, just one more time- But I know the incredle journey you are on, live it up Buddy!!! We are taking great care of your sister- she is incredible!!!! We love you!!!!
Taylor Reese is so precious, beautiful, strong, brave, you name it!!! I love that girl!!!! She too has shown me what life is really about, one day I will tell her all about what her and her brother did for me and what they taught me!!!! Today my life is surrounded by positivity, I love my job, I have surrounded myself with people who value life and respect others as much as I do!!!! I love my family and friends- That is what life is all about!!!!!
We are taking our dream trip this month and are looking forward to having Taylor along with us as we take a road trip across Colorado, Wyoming, and Montana!!!!! We can't wait, and I can't wait to journal all about it!!!
Today was a GREAT day!!! I started the beginning of a tradition that I want to continue forever. My, mom, sister and I (hopefully one day my sis n law will be able to go;) )always go to the Yellow Daisy Festival, and this year Taylor Reese went with us- our special girls tradition!!!!!
It felt so good to have such a great day, b/c over the last year there have actually been a few times that I asked myself if I would ever have a Great Day again-even though I knew I would it felt impossible.
We went and celebrated Brady's anniversary and our 7th wedding anniversary at Rosemary Beach, it was painful, it was sad, anger came back, disappointment came back, every emotion that I felt just one short year ago. But, we meant that we were going to make it a celebration. So we lit a special candle meant for remembrance, and we allowed it to burn for 26 hours. I can't describe it, it actually felt like there was a presence amongst us, it was beautiful- in memory of our precious Brady!!!!! This trip was the beginning of me realizing that we can have fun still/again, we can live again, we can breathe again- all of those felt like they were gone. I am quite certain I have aged 10 years in the past year, but this was my turning point!!! This was an absolutely incredible trip!!
So many wild and reassuring signs:
I really believe that while I would never ask for Brady to be back here on earth, and while he will never be back in my arms here on earth- We will be together again for eternity!!!! I also know that god sends me beautiful symbolism of him, it is amazing!!!! There are days that I'm not sure I will make it through and low and behold, a beautiful butterfly will escort me down the drive, or hovever over me as I groom my flowers or lawn, and even times when I am crying while driving and one will just swoop down in front of the windshield. That is my reassurance that god hears me ;)))))
I can't make sense of some things, but I do feel certain that all that I endure is meant to aid in my healing process. Like the fact that everyday for this past year, I have either seen a set of twins or met someone with twins and I mean every single day. Although it is in a sense like daggers at times, it is therapeutic in making me work through my pain.
Brady Wiles has made me a person that I really like, I thought of myself as a good person: honest, sincere, loyal prior to my loss, but I am even more of the person I wanted to be- all of those things plus a woman who is very strong in my faith, and I look at life and people with a very different eye. Brady Wiles you are the most corageous person I know, you showed me more about life in 74 days than I have learned in my 33 years here on earth. I love you and miss you everyday!!! Oh what I would give to hold you, smell you, kiss you, feed you , on and on, just one more time- But I know the incredle journey you are on, live it up Buddy!!! We are taking great care of your sister- she is incredible!!!! We love you!!!!
Taylor Reese is so precious, beautiful, strong, brave, you name it!!! I love that girl!!!! She too has shown me what life is really about, one day I will tell her all about what her and her brother did for me and what they taught me!!!! Today my life is surrounded by positivity, I love my job, I have surrounded myself with people who value life and respect others as much as I do!!!! I love my family and friends- That is what life is all about!!!!!
We are taking our dream trip this month and are looking forward to having Taylor along with us as we take a road trip across Colorado, Wyoming, and Montana!!!!! We can't wait, and I can't wait to journal all about it!!!
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Taylor's first Beach Trip and family vacation.......And then Some really hard days.....
7/14/13- Well, I haven't blogged in some time, but I just needed to come to this special place tonight.
We just had an incredible family vacation, and wow Taylor's first Beach trip ;) My whole family-my family of three, my mom/dad, my sister/brother in law/nephew and my brother/sister in law. We had a fantastic week at the beach, sunshine everyday, great food, a date night out to the race just Justin and I, relaxation, sun-tanning, swimming...Taylor loved the beach, she ate the sand and I just let her, she drank the ocean water and I just let her b/c she was having fun, the girl was in heaven-she had a ball- it was incredible!!!! We had been looking forward to this vacation, b/c it was our first real vacation since the babies were born. We also just really needed a getaway- well it was perfect. I love my family.
I had made a promise to myself, that although I knew I would miss and think about Brady I wasn't going to let it consume me or control my trip. I did good, while I missed him and thought of him, and smiled of him often, even cried a few times, I focused my trip on Taylor's first Beach experience and the memories to be made and boy did we make some awesome memories for her. Daytona Beach 2013.
Well I definitely wasn't prepared for how I would feel when I got home, it was/is weird, and very hard to explain. As we drove down the drive and we passed Brady's Bridge, I glanced over at his sign/bridge and I had this overwhelming feeling that something had been left behind or that something was missing... Well it was, we aren't a family of three, we are a family of four... Brady was supposed to share that first beach experience, first ocean experience, first pool experience, first family beach photo. It all came down on me, I cried the whole first evening we were home, it felt sort of like the first night we were home without him after he passed. I cried out to Justin, b/c I have been doing so well and staying so strong and now my feelings were back full swing. He comforted me and reassured me that it would get better.
I'm not really sure what or why this was triggered, but what I can tell you is that I miss that little boy so much and as I pray and talk to Brady everynight I feel his presence more and more. I will see him again one day and I know it will be beautiful. But boy would I give anything just to hold him one more time and snuggle him one more time, give him one more bath, change his clothes one more time........ on and on......!!!
They are 13 months old now which is so hard to believe!!! Taylor is standing independently, but just not quite ready to take that first step, but it is definitely any day now;) She is awesome, as I have said a thousand times and will continue to say-one day this precious little girl will learn to understand how much she helped her mommy and daddy during a terribly devastating time. I love you Taylor Reese!!! And Brady Wiles we will all be together again one day, We love you so much!!!!!
We just had an incredible family vacation, and wow Taylor's first Beach trip ;) My whole family-my family of three, my mom/dad, my sister/brother in law/nephew and my brother/sister in law. We had a fantastic week at the beach, sunshine everyday, great food, a date night out to the race just Justin and I, relaxation, sun-tanning, swimming...Taylor loved the beach, she ate the sand and I just let her, she drank the ocean water and I just let her b/c she was having fun, the girl was in heaven-she had a ball- it was incredible!!!! We had been looking forward to this vacation, b/c it was our first real vacation since the babies were born. We also just really needed a getaway- well it was perfect. I love my family.
I had made a promise to myself, that although I knew I would miss and think about Brady I wasn't going to let it consume me or control my trip. I did good, while I missed him and thought of him, and smiled of him often, even cried a few times, I focused my trip on Taylor's first Beach experience and the memories to be made and boy did we make some awesome memories for her. Daytona Beach 2013.
Well I definitely wasn't prepared for how I would feel when I got home, it was/is weird, and very hard to explain. As we drove down the drive and we passed Brady's Bridge, I glanced over at his sign/bridge and I had this overwhelming feeling that something had been left behind or that something was missing... Well it was, we aren't a family of three, we are a family of four... Brady was supposed to share that first beach experience, first ocean experience, first pool experience, first family beach photo. It all came down on me, I cried the whole first evening we were home, it felt sort of like the first night we were home without him after he passed. I cried out to Justin, b/c I have been doing so well and staying so strong and now my feelings were back full swing. He comforted me and reassured me that it would get better.
I'm not really sure what or why this was triggered, but what I can tell you is that I miss that little boy so much and as I pray and talk to Brady everynight I feel his presence more and more. I will see him again one day and I know it will be beautiful. But boy would I give anything just to hold him one more time and snuggle him one more time, give him one more bath, change his clothes one more time........ on and on......!!!
They are 13 months old now which is so hard to believe!!! Taylor is standing independently, but just not quite ready to take that first step, but it is definitely any day now;) She is awesome, as I have said a thousand times and will continue to say-one day this precious little girl will learn to understand how much she helped her mommy and daddy during a terribly devastating time. I love you Taylor Reese!!! And Brady Wiles we will all be together again one day, We love you so much!!!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)