12/31/12- "Just where would I be without my faith?" I ask myself this everyday.
I have trusted god, prayed to him, accepted him- and that is what has carried me through each and everyday since my world came crashing down on 8/25/12!!! And with this my precious little girl will one day find out what wonderful things she has done for her mommy and daddy. Taylor has brought us so much joy, love, happiness, warmth and strength during a time of despair- oh how I love that precious little girl!!!
She is growing so fast!! She is rolling both ways, trying oh so hard to crawl, but an army crawl with a scoot is about it!!! She is continuing to amaze us every step of the way- She has thought she was older than her age from the minute that she entered this world!!! We just started the adventure of baby food, and she is doing great and enjoying it-Boy was she ready!!!! I am so thankful for my precious Brady, because he has taught me how to enjoy Taylor each and everyday to the very fullest!!! Nothing else matters, but focusing on the important things and loving those around us and dear and near to us!!! I learned more in the time I spent with my precious Brady than any highschool, college or masters program could teach. That little boy had a purpose here and he left his mark and touched so many while doing so!!!!
I miss him so very much- This pain is so deep and it is nearly impossible to describe!!! I want to hold his sweet little body again, I wanna steal me some more kisses, I want him to drool on my shirt while he is napping, I want to take another walk in the garden with him, I want to snap more pictures of he and his sweet sister. That is what I want, but GOD has a greater, more precious plan for him!!!! I am at peace with that but that doesn't mean that I don't want him back so bad, because I do!!!! I love these two babies more than words, and I am so thankful that I get to watch Taylor grow and I will forever see Brady live through is twin sister!!!!
Mommy and Daddy love you Taylor and Angel Brady!!!!!
"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever"
Winnie the Pooh
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
6 months ago today.......
12/12/12......
I can't believe that it has been 6 months since my life changed in an instance, I refer to it as the best, worst, and scariest day of my life!!!! On this very day back in June, my precious babies decided to join us 12 weeks early, but what do you do, you join them and welcome them with open arms and you stand by them and encourage them as they fight for their little precious lives and that they both did with all of their might!!! How did I grow such strong little fighters with such a will to live?????? Well, I guess I should be able to answer that b/c their momma and daddy are two strong willed people who love life and live it to the fullest!!! I never imagined that being proud of your children could feel so great, but I quickly learned that there is nothing like it!!! I have also unfortunately learned what heartbreak truly feels like, but with gods hand and the power of prayer I have been able to stand on solid ground and move forward!!!
"It's the most wonderful time of the year"- oh yes it is, but it is oh so HARD!!!! Taylor's first Thanksgiving and her First Christmas and her First New Years, but what about my sweet Brady it is his first toooooo!!!!!! So many FIRST without him, but I can't lose sight of how important all of Taylor's FIRST are as well ( I haven't I have enjoyed them to the fullest)!!! There are just so many reminders of him not being here, his first ornaments on the tree, his stocking on the mantle, and the hardest is not being able to buy him toys/clothes/activity gyms etc, I have to buy him a christmas tree for his grave site and a headstone- That hurts so bad, but you better believe I got him all fixed up out there and you can see him all lit up as soon as you pull in ;) But, But, But I am so incredibly greatful for my beautiful precious smiling little girl who I get to wake up with on Christmas morning and begin traditions with!!!! And we will always remember Brady and honor him and make sure that he is a part of Taylor's life forever and ever and ever!!!!
I say a prayer every night for Brady to come visit me in my dreams, I haven't seen him yet but my sister has and she said he is so beautiful, with a full head of black hair, blue eyes and rosey pink cheeks! She said he looks just like his daddy!!! Oh, I can't wait to see his precious face, so I will continue to pray!! But he and I will for sure meet again!!!
As each day comes and goes, I am going to continue to live my life the way that Brady has taught me to, and that is ... To live like there is no tomorrow, Don't sweat the small stuff, Love my baby and my family no matter what the case may be!!!! I will never be the old Brandy, but I am ok with that b/c although I was a good person before the new me looks at life very differently and I love it!!! I hope I never forget what this past 6 months has taught me!!!!
My New Years Resolution is to make a difference and I am working very hard behind the scenes to ensure that happens!!!!
I love you both dearly Taylor Reese and Brady Wiles!!!! Happy 6 month Birthday!!!
Love, Momma and Daddy
I can't believe that it has been 6 months since my life changed in an instance, I refer to it as the best, worst, and scariest day of my life!!!! On this very day back in June, my precious babies decided to join us 12 weeks early, but what do you do, you join them and welcome them with open arms and you stand by them and encourage them as they fight for their little precious lives and that they both did with all of their might!!! How did I grow such strong little fighters with such a will to live?????? Well, I guess I should be able to answer that b/c their momma and daddy are two strong willed people who love life and live it to the fullest!!! I never imagined that being proud of your children could feel so great, but I quickly learned that there is nothing like it!!! I have also unfortunately learned what heartbreak truly feels like, but with gods hand and the power of prayer I have been able to stand on solid ground and move forward!!!
"It's the most wonderful time of the year"- oh yes it is, but it is oh so HARD!!!! Taylor's first Thanksgiving and her First Christmas and her First New Years, but what about my sweet Brady it is his first toooooo!!!!!! So many FIRST without him, but I can't lose sight of how important all of Taylor's FIRST are as well ( I haven't I have enjoyed them to the fullest)!!! There are just so many reminders of him not being here, his first ornaments on the tree, his stocking on the mantle, and the hardest is not being able to buy him toys/clothes/activity gyms etc, I have to buy him a christmas tree for his grave site and a headstone- That hurts so bad, but you better believe I got him all fixed up out there and you can see him all lit up as soon as you pull in ;) But, But, But I am so incredibly greatful for my beautiful precious smiling little girl who I get to wake up with on Christmas morning and begin traditions with!!!! And we will always remember Brady and honor him and make sure that he is a part of Taylor's life forever and ever and ever!!!!
I say a prayer every night for Brady to come visit me in my dreams, I haven't seen him yet but my sister has and she said he is so beautiful, with a full head of black hair, blue eyes and rosey pink cheeks! She said he looks just like his daddy!!! Oh, I can't wait to see his precious face, so I will continue to pray!! But he and I will for sure meet again!!!
As each day comes and goes, I am going to continue to live my life the way that Brady has taught me to, and that is ... To live like there is no tomorrow, Don't sweat the small stuff, Love my baby and my family no matter what the case may be!!!! I will never be the old Brandy, but I am ok with that b/c although I was a good person before the new me looks at life very differently and I love it!!! I hope I never forget what this past 6 months has taught me!!!!
My New Years Resolution is to make a difference and I am working very hard behind the scenes to ensure that happens!!!!
I love you both dearly Taylor Reese and Brady Wiles!!!! Happy 6 month Birthday!!!
Love, Momma and Daddy
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Another Day.......
11/8/12- What do I do with these emotions????? So So Happy and Sad all at once!!!!
Well I am watching my beautiful little girl change everyday, She is rolling over persisently now (this started on 11/2/12), she is moving all around by pushing with her feet, she has a beautiful smile, and she is growing like a weed- a whopping 10 lbs 11 oz at almost 5 months. Wow I can't believe my little 2 lb. miracle will be 5 months old in 4 days!! Where has time gone. We are so incredibly proud of her and we tell her that everyday. But, I have to admit that it is so hard because I always wonder what Brady would be doing, who would be the ring leader? I imagine that Brady would have been my laid back baby and Taylor my spit fire!! Who knows???? I will never know, well actually I will when we all meet again!!! My heart breaks everytime Taylor does something new, because I wonder if Brady would have learned or started doing the same thing.
This is gonna sound silly, but Taylor found her mouth and nose this weekend, and she kept hitting herself in the nose over and over again and then putting her whole hand in her mouth- I was staring at her imagining that I was watching Brady do the same thing!!! I guess I will forever Miss and Think about and visualize his beautiful face!!! I love my sweet Boy!!!! And oh boy do I love that precious little girl that we call Tator Bug-she is my ROCK!!!
11/4/12- Well I am so proud of my little family!!! I am not ashamed to admit that Brady's tiny soul did powerful things in mine and my husbands life, that noone else could do. Although we were believers and christians we needed more. We learned who our leader is. We learned that we are not in control, and that we need God in our lives to guide us and comfort us when decisions are to be made and when the whole world feels like it is crumbling under you. Brady led us to a wonderful decision as we had our family baptism and Taylor's dedication-What an awesome day!!!!
"A dear friend/my best friend provided me with so much comfort and stood by me in my decision making process when Brady was so ill, she reassured me time again and also provided her whole hearted opinion which made my decision even more concrete" Well it was not by mistake that God put her in my life to comfort and support me during that time, but I truly believe that he was strengthening her for a decision that she and her precious husband would have to unfortunately have to make all to soon after. I pray diligently for my precious friend/husband/ and their precious baby as the days and weeks draw her closer to the day when another incredibly difficult decision will be made. I love you girl!!!!! It is not by chance that we are friends and that we know what eachother are feeling and that we are here to guide and strengthen one another. God is no fool, he knew what he was doing 14 years ago when we came into eachother's lives. I love you and support any/all decisions!!!!
I pray that each day I will heal a little bit more, but I know one thing for sure- Brady is living one heck of a life and he is watching over his beautiful sister and making sure she pulls me and daddy through everyday!!!!
Well I am watching my beautiful little girl change everyday, She is rolling over persisently now (this started on 11/2/12), she is moving all around by pushing with her feet, she has a beautiful smile, and she is growing like a weed- a whopping 10 lbs 11 oz at almost 5 months. Wow I can't believe my little 2 lb. miracle will be 5 months old in 4 days!! Where has time gone. We are so incredibly proud of her and we tell her that everyday. But, I have to admit that it is so hard because I always wonder what Brady would be doing, who would be the ring leader? I imagine that Brady would have been my laid back baby and Taylor my spit fire!! Who knows???? I will never know, well actually I will when we all meet again!!! My heart breaks everytime Taylor does something new, because I wonder if Brady would have learned or started doing the same thing.
This is gonna sound silly, but Taylor found her mouth and nose this weekend, and she kept hitting herself in the nose over and over again and then putting her whole hand in her mouth- I was staring at her imagining that I was watching Brady do the same thing!!! I guess I will forever Miss and Think about and visualize his beautiful face!!! I love my sweet Boy!!!! And oh boy do I love that precious little girl that we call Tator Bug-she is my ROCK!!!
11/4/12- Well I am so proud of my little family!!! I am not ashamed to admit that Brady's tiny soul did powerful things in mine and my husbands life, that noone else could do. Although we were believers and christians we needed more. We learned who our leader is. We learned that we are not in control, and that we need God in our lives to guide us and comfort us when decisions are to be made and when the whole world feels like it is crumbling under you. Brady led us to a wonderful decision as we had our family baptism and Taylor's dedication-What an awesome day!!!!
"A dear friend/my best friend provided me with so much comfort and stood by me in my decision making process when Brady was so ill, she reassured me time again and also provided her whole hearted opinion which made my decision even more concrete" Well it was not by mistake that God put her in my life to comfort and support me during that time, but I truly believe that he was strengthening her for a decision that she and her precious husband would have to unfortunately have to make all to soon after. I pray diligently for my precious friend/husband/ and their precious baby as the days and weeks draw her closer to the day when another incredibly difficult decision will be made. I love you girl!!!!! It is not by chance that we are friends and that we know what eachother are feeling and that we are here to guide and strengthen one another. God is no fool, he knew what he was doing 14 years ago when we came into eachother's lives. I love you and support any/all decisions!!!!
I pray that each day I will heal a little bit more, but I know one thing for sure- Brady is living one heck of a life and he is watching over his beautiful sister and making sure she pulls me and daddy through everyday!!!!
Thursday, October 25, 2012
WOW!! 2 month Angel-versary!!!
10/25/12-
I cried quite a bit today!!! I can't believe my precious little boy, Taylor's precious twin brother has been gone from us for 2 months. Wow, 2 months ago today Justin and I held Brady Wiles as tight as we could as his little heart slowly quit beating and as he took his last breath. I will never forget feeling his sweet beautiful warm body become cold in my arms. I will never forget his smell as I was stealing sweet little kisses from my little boy!!! I still can't wash the clothes that I was wearing or that he was wearing the night he passed because I can still smell him!!!!! Oh how I love and miss that little boy!!!
I did something this week that took alot of courage for me! A friend of mine from college had a precious little boy and they named him "Brady", so I sent a box full of all of my sweet Brady's monogrammed items that he never got to use so that a sweet family could have them. Very Hard, but at the same time I smiled knowing that a sweet baby would be using Brady's things. Bittersweet!!!!!
Although I know that Brady is living some kind of fabulous life amongst heavens other beautiful angels, and I would never bring him back to fight and struggle with illness after illness. But, I still can't help but wonder what it would be like if I could just see and hold him one more time. I heard that song "If you came back from heaven" and I just started to wonder.......
Well Lil miss Taylor is growing and thriving, she is weighing in at 9lbs 13 oz. She amazes me everyday with her smiles, periodically rolling over, pushing up, etc...... She is truly my little miracle!!!! I love that girl!!!!!
I cried quite a bit today!!! I can't believe my precious little boy, Taylor's precious twin brother has been gone from us for 2 months. Wow, 2 months ago today Justin and I held Brady Wiles as tight as we could as his little heart slowly quit beating and as he took his last breath. I will never forget feeling his sweet beautiful warm body become cold in my arms. I will never forget his smell as I was stealing sweet little kisses from my little boy!!! I still can't wash the clothes that I was wearing or that he was wearing the night he passed because I can still smell him!!!!! Oh how I love and miss that little boy!!!
I did something this week that took alot of courage for me! A friend of mine from college had a precious little boy and they named him "Brady", so I sent a box full of all of my sweet Brady's monogrammed items that he never got to use so that a sweet family could have them. Very Hard, but at the same time I smiled knowing that a sweet baby would be using Brady's things. Bittersweet!!!!!
Although I know that Brady is living some kind of fabulous life amongst heavens other beautiful angels, and I would never bring him back to fight and struggle with illness after illness. But, I still can't help but wonder what it would be like if I could just see and hold him one more time. I heard that song "If you came back from heaven" and I just started to wonder.......
Well Lil miss Taylor is growing and thriving, she is weighing in at 9lbs 13 oz. She amazes me everyday with her smiles, periodically rolling over, pushing up, etc...... She is truly my little miracle!!!! I love that girl!!!!!
Thursday, October 11, 2012
A hard day......
10/11/12-
Well I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would lose a child and therefore have to plan a funeral for my child, but I have had to do both:( Today I finally had to do it, go and pick out Brady's head stone. I have been putting if off because then that meant that I still had something to do for him, and once it is ordered then it is final!!! I know that it is already final, but for some reason this last task just feels like it is really the end!!!
I never imagined how hard picking a head stone would be, I want it to be perfect and I mean perfect, b/c my precious little boy was perfect!!!!!! It is going to be beautiful, and to make it that much more special, he will have a granite foot plate with a sweet note engraved from Taylor!!!!!!
As for Taylor, she is doing fantastic!!! She had a great appointment yesterday!!!!
Well I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would lose a child and therefore have to plan a funeral for my child, but I have had to do both:( Today I finally had to do it, go and pick out Brady's head stone. I have been putting if off because then that meant that I still had something to do for him, and once it is ordered then it is final!!! I know that it is already final, but for some reason this last task just feels like it is really the end!!!
I never imagined how hard picking a head stone would be, I want it to be perfect and I mean perfect, b/c my precious little boy was perfect!!!!!! It is going to be beautiful, and to make it that much more special, he will have a granite foot plate with a sweet note engraved from Taylor!!!!!!
As for Taylor, she is doing fantastic!!! She had a great appointment yesterday!!!!
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
10/2/2012-
As I sit here today watching my sweet little miracle enjoying her tummy time I begin to tear up just reflecting on what the past 4 months have been for us. Wow, we are so incredibly blessed to have this 2lb 5oz miracle in our arms. She is growing so strong everyday!!!!! It is hard to believe that she had such a rough start.
Not a day goes by that I don't ask myself what it would be like or think to myself how great it would be to have the chaos of Brady and Taylor screaming at once. I wanted that chaos so bad!!!!! But I now know that God had a different plan!!! Everyday as I pray and read, I am healing and growing from what Brady taught me.
I am enjoying getting involved with organizations to aid in my healing process and I am so excited about our family involvement in the March of Dimes and look forward to our walk this weekend for March for Babies!!!!!! Please take the time to follow my new photos of our twin Journey!!!!
Today is a great day- my Dad and my Brothers Birthday: Happy Birthday Daddy and Michael!!!
Brady Wiles Jenkins Journey- 6/12/12-8/25/12!!!! Our Guardian Angel
As I sit here today watching my sweet little miracle enjoying her tummy time I begin to tear up just reflecting on what the past 4 months have been for us. Wow, we are so incredibly blessed to have this 2lb 5oz miracle in our arms. She is growing so strong everyday!!!!! It is hard to believe that she had such a rough start.
Not a day goes by that I don't ask myself what it would be like or think to myself how great it would be to have the chaos of Brady and Taylor screaming at once. I wanted that chaos so bad!!!!! But I now know that God had a different plan!!! Everyday as I pray and read, I am healing and growing from what Brady taught me.
I am enjoying getting involved with organizations to aid in my healing process and I am so excited about our family involvement in the March of Dimes and look forward to our walk this weekend for March for Babies!!!!!! Please take the time to follow my new photos of our twin Journey!!!!
Today is a great day- my Dad and my Brothers Birthday: Happy Birthday Daddy and Michael!!!
Brady Wiles Jenkins Journey- 6/12/12-8/25/12!!!! Our Guardian Angel
Taylor Reese Jenkins Journey to come........
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