Taylor's first Beach Trip and family vacation.......And then Some really hard days.....

7/14/13- Well, I haven't blogged in some time, but I just needed to come to this special place tonight.

We just had an incredible family vacation, and wow Taylor's first Beach trip ;) My whole family-my family of three, my mom/dad, my sister/brother in law/nephew and my brother/sister in law. We had a fantastic week at the beach, sunshine everyday, great food, a date night out to the race just Justin and I, relaxation, sun-tanning, swimming...Taylor loved the beach, she ate the sand and I just let her, she drank the ocean water and I just let her b/c she was having fun, the girl was in heaven-she had a ball- it was incredible!!!! We had been looking forward to this vacation, b/c it was our first real vacation since the babies were born. We also just really needed a getaway- well it was perfect. I love my family.
I had made a promise to myself, that although I knew I would miss and think about Brady I wasn't going to let it consume me or control my trip. I did good, while I missed him and thought of him, and smiled of him often, even cried a few times, I focused my trip on Taylor's first Beach experience and the memories to be made and boy did we make some awesome memories for her. Daytona Beach 2013.
Well I definitely wasn't prepared for how I would feel when I got home, it was/is weird, and very hard to explain. As we drove down the drive and we passed Brady's Bridge, I glanced over at his sign/bridge and I had this overwhelming feeling that something had been left behind or that something was missing... Well it was, we aren't a family of three, we are a family of four... Brady was supposed to share that first beach experience, first ocean experience, first pool experience, first family beach photo. It all came down on me, I cried the whole first evening we were home, it felt sort of like the first night we were home without him after he passed. I cried out to Justin, b/c I have been doing so well and staying so strong and now my feelings were back full swing. He comforted me and reassured me that it would get better.
I'm not really sure what or why this was triggered, but what I can tell you is that I miss that little boy so much and as  I pray and talk to Brady everynight I feel his presence more and more. I will see him again one day and I know it will be beautiful. But boy would I give anything just to hold him one more time and snuggle him one more time, give him one more bath, change his clothes one more time........ on and on......!!!
They are 13 months old now which is so hard to believe!!!  Taylor is standing independently, but just not quite ready to take that first step, but it is definitely any day now;) She is awesome, as I have said a thousand times and will continue to say-one day this precious little girl will learn to understand how much she helped her mommy and daddy during a terribly devastating time. I love you Taylor Reese!!! And Brady Wiles we will all be together again one day, We love you so much!!!!!

May 18, 2013- "Mommies who have given a child back"

5/18/13- I have just really been missing my precious, beautiful little boy!!! I really do believe and trust that I know what Brady's purpose was here on this earth- and I will see to it that his daddy and I fullfill that purpose. And I do also believe that this was God's master plan!!! But, that does not mean that I don't cry, get mad, want to scream b/c I wanted that little boy more than anything. I wanted Taylor to have her twin brother to grow with and play with. That was all taken from me ;( And I am sad, mad, angry, disappointed, and just plain devastated .
It is insane the things that a devastated mommy will do, like the other night I was on my way home from work at 8:45 and it was all that I could do not to drive all the way to the cemetary to just lay by Brady's grave. I just wanted to go lay with him and talk to him, but I didn't go b/c I also needed to get home and see my precious Taylor!!!
Burst of emotion just come over me and I will just talk or cry out loud and talk to Brady!!!!
The other day I was driving home from the grocery store and Taylor was in the back just cooing and babbling and out of pure joy I just burst out crying b/c I wanted to be hearing both of my babies babbling, and out of the blue a beautiful Butterfly just swooped down in front of my windshield and I just knew that was Brady saying mommy don't cry, I am okay!! I spoke out and said I know you are with me Buddy- Taylor, and mommy and daddy feel you everyday!!!
These things might sound crazy, but it is totally out of your control when you have lost a child, and especially a child that you had prepared for and decorated for and bought for!! I love and miss him, and I am continuing everyday to watch him grow through his beautiful sister- we show her pictures of him everyday and mention his name in every conversation!!!

Although time is slowly healing this wound, I will never forget him or the pain that goes with having to say good bye to him- the vision of his last breath will never escape me (although it was devastating, I am so proud that our little family of four held strong and walked through this journey with him all the way to the end). But I cherish and remember and hold on to every minute/second/hour of the 74 days that I had to spend with him!!!

As for Taylor  she is unbelievable-she blows my mind!!! She is 11 months (8.5 months adjusted) She is standing and cruising, saying mama, dada (yes dada was her first word). She is like lighting when she crawls. She continues to be our rock and one day we will tell her what she did for this family!!!

That little girl Rocks!!! I love you Taylor and love and miss you everyday Brady!!!

We love you, Mommy and Daddy!!!!

Brings back so many memories.........

April 27th, 2013-  Well I haven't blogged in a while but as I sit here with tears in my eyes as i am sitting in this hospital room with my sweet Taylor brings back so many memories both good and bad of my precious Brady!!! Yes we are at the hospital, Taylor has croup and after two trips to Scottish rite in two days they decided to admit her, so here we are!! She is doing ok, just having a hard time shaking this so we are here until she is free if stridor without needing treatments, but we can't complain bc this her first time being sick in 10 month!!!!

The hardest part of this is that everything about this hospital makes me think of Brady- his smell, his machines, his sweet face,etc. I lost it today when I was bathing Taylor bc the last time I used a hospital pan to give a bath was right after Brady passed-as I prepared him for the funeral home!!! It was all to real!! So I streamed tears as I bathed her and Justin comforted me!!!! I miss that little boy!!!

Tonight did me in!!! I called for RT (respiratory therapy) bc Taylor needed to be suctioned, so once again we held her down ( thank goodness for Justin he is my rock once again), for the third time today as she kicked and screamed but I had to stay strong for her. Then another dreaded epi treatment!!!! She has been such a trooper but by this time she was ALL DONE!!! And so was I, again after it was all done, I rocked with her in my arms and comforted her and streamed tears bc I am tired of being strong!!! So tonight I let myself cry!!!! It felt good!! I love this little girl and everyday she reminds me of all that we have to be thankful for!! I continue to pray and my faith continues to pull me through!!!

On a positive note: Taylor is continuing to dominate!!! She is pulling up on everything and cruising around her crib and along couch, periodically she gets cocky and let's go and it scares her;) she def crawls now after months of army crawling but prefers standing!! The pediatrician that admitted her today said she couldn't believe she was a former 28 weeker- bc she is every bit of a 10 month old!!! That is music to my ears!!! Well I must get done rest while she is sleeping!! I love you Brady and Taylor !!!!!

6 months ago today.....

2/25/13-

I can't believe that it has been 6 months since my beautiful little boy earned his wings. It was August 25, 2012 at 2:40 am when Brady Wiles Jenkins went to be with Jesus. Justin and I held on to that little boy oh so tight for hours as we waited for his strong little heart to quit beating. As his parents we walked by his side and jumped through all of the obstacles with him and meant that we were going to be right there with him until he took his last breath and that is what we did.  We were given three precious months with him and I am so glad for that. I cherish all the days that I stared through that plastic box as I watched him grow, and I cherish the hours and hours that I got to Kangoo Care with him, I cherish the two baths that I was able to give him (one while he was living and the last one right after he passed away). More than anything I cherish the days that I had with him prior to learning of his real diagnosis!!!! Thank you god for allowing me to be able to feed him his first bottle, and to give him is first passy, and to love him unconditionally!!!!

I miss him more than words could describe, and I am still working everyday to heal this incredibly deep wound. It is a pain that noone could understand unless they have been through it.  But, my beautiful Taylor; Brady's precious twin sister is my rock who reminds me everyday of what a miracle she is and that Brady is rejoicing in Heaven!!!! That little girl is incredible, and she amazes me everyday. Thank you God for this precious little Blessing and I have peace knowing that Brady is safe and healed.

Brady and Taylor-Mommy and Daddy love you unconditionally!!!!

What a year!!!!!

2/6/13- As I sit here this morning watching my precious baby girl playing and talking and smiling up at me, I drift off into space and picture this beautiful little brown hair boy sitting and smiling so peacefully!!!! I know that is Brady!! I love envisioning him, but I feel guilt b/c I should be enjoying my little girl (Oh do I enjoy her- I love her so much!) and I always drift off to trying to enjoy my little boy too!!!! This is so hard, b/c there is no way to describe the feeling of trying to mourn the loss of your child, but cherish every moment and be oh so thankful for the miracle right in front of you. It is ripping my heart out. But, I will say that it is slowly getting better. I know it probably seems like after almost 6 months it should be a little easier but believe it or not it has at times been harder b/c there are so many first without him, and that is hard. As I start to plan and think of their first birthday, I crumble. But that is going to be one joyous day, as we celebrate Taylors big day and Brady's precious life. I keep just clinging to god and praying for strength everyday and that has been granted, but I make sure to allow myself the right to grieve and talk about it.

I just feel like sharing this:
It seems like lately I have seen and met so many with Twins, and that is probably one of the hardest things, b/c I gaze and stare at them wondering how my life would and could have been with both of my precious babies. I am sure that it is very hard raising twins, but I am sure that it isn't near as hard as having to say goodbye and letting go of your precious Baby. I want that chaos, I want to be crazy trying to juggle two of everything, I want it, I want it!!!! I still have so many doubles of everything. I just can't seem to part with all of Brady's things. I just keep his closet closed and Occasionally I will peek in to just see all of his sweet things!!!! 
I hope I continue to meet people with twins, b/c I am a mother of multiples and all though I didn't get the chance to raise two of them together, I got to feel the love of power of mothering two precious preemies for 3 months. So I understand the heart of a mom of multiples.

Well the heart break goes on, but more importantly everyday that I wake up to see this beautiful little smiling face my heart desires to be stronger than that pain so that my little girl has her mommy 100%, She so deserves all of her mommy and daddy!!!! She continues to amaze me everyday, and like I have said 1000 times before, one day this little girl will know and understand what great things she did for her mommy and daddy!!! We love you Taylor, and will always love and miss you precious Brady until we all meet again!!!!

Good Night Moon........

2013- A million emotions!!!!
I am not sure what I was thinking or hoping for, but I woke up in 2013 with great peace but still with a broken heart!!! I knew that it wouldn't just go away but I dreamed of a fresh start!!! Well it is- a fresh start with continued healing, continued peace, and still the heartache and desire to hold and love that beautiful precious baby boy of mine who is wrapped in the arms of jesus and playing with his angel buddies!!! Here's to 2013!!!

 1/18/2013- Well today was a hard day- not only were we laying our precious Aunt Yolanda to rest after a tragic accident, but we also had to find the strength to step foot back in the same funeral home of which we just 5 short months ago celebrated the life of our precious Brady!! We did it, I will not say that it was easy, but we did it!! Our sweet little girl has been in that funeral home too many times in her short life, but she is our strength in all that we go through and we do it as a family!

That little girl is something else, she is 7 months old, 4 months adjusted and she is rolling both ways, army crawling, buzzing through the house in her walker, and almost sitting up!!!! She is my little fighter!!! Weighing in at a whopping 13 lbs. A big Girl Now!!!!!  Her Daddy and I are so proud of her, we just watch her in aww at how precious each moment spent with her is!!! We often talk about her precious brother and what he would have been like!!!! I can't wait to tell her about her brother one day!!!  I am not gonna lie, it is still hard!! I am not sure that it will ever be easy, but I am thinking that I will just learn each day  how to live with the pain a little better!! And already I have learned so much about that, b/c at first you think that you couldn't possibly do something normal but you do b/c you have to. Going back to work was my best decision b/c it feels normal. It feels good to conduct a normal day, but I can assure you that there is not one hour that passes that I don't think about both precious Brady and Taylor and how I miss him so much everyday!!!!

I love this, in which a very special and sincere person gave to me:

"The Mourner's Bill of Rights"
1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.
2. You have the right to talk about your grief
3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions
4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits
5. You have the right to experience "griefbursts"
6. You have the right to make use of ritual
7. You have the right to embrace spirituality
8. You have the right to search for meaning
9. You have the right to treasure your memories
10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal

This is so comforting!!!

Well, we are so blessed to have our beautiful Taylor who blows our mind at how quickly she is changing, and who is truly the sunshine in our everyday. But we miss Brady terribly and that will never go away!!!
We love you Brady Wiles, Love Daddy, Mommy and Taylor!!!!!

"Where would I be"......

12/31/12- "Just where would I be without my faith?" I ask myself this everyday.

I have trusted god, prayed to him, accepted him- and that is what has carried me through each and everyday since my world came crashing down on 8/25/12!!! And with this my precious little girl will one day find out what wonderful things she has done for her mommy and daddy. Taylor has brought us so much joy, love, happiness, warmth and strength during a time of despair- oh how I love that precious little girl!!!

She is growing so fast!! She is rolling both ways, trying oh so hard to crawl, but an army crawl with a scoot is about it!!! She is continuing to amaze us every step of the way- She has thought she was older than her age from the minute that she entered this world!!!  We just started the adventure of baby food, and she is doing great and enjoying it-Boy was she ready!!!! I am so thankful for my precious Brady, because he has taught me how to enjoy Taylor each and everyday to the very fullest!!! Nothing else matters, but focusing on the important things and loving those around us and dear and near to us!!! I learned more in the time I spent with my precious Brady than any highschool, college or masters program could teach. That little boy had a purpose here and he left his mark and touched so many while doing so!!!!

I miss him so very much- This pain is so deep and it is nearly impossible to describe!!! I want to hold his sweet little body again, I wanna steal me some more kisses, I want him to drool on my shirt while he is napping, I want to take another walk in the garden with him, I want to snap more pictures of he and his sweet sister. That is what I want, but GOD has a greater, more precious plan for him!!!! I am at peace with that but that doesn't mean that I don't want him back so bad, because I do!!!! I love these two babies more than words, and I am so thankful that I get to watch Taylor grow and I will forever see Brady live through is twin sister!!!!

Mommy and Daddy love you Taylor and Angel Brady!!!!!

"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever"
Winnie the Pooh