2/19/14- The past couple of days, I have just felt consumed with his presence!!!!!!! Brady's presence that is..........WHY....... I don't know, but I have felt him with me;))) What a great feeling!!! When I feel him it makes me love Taylor even stronger and I never imagined I could love her anymore.
Taylor is 20 months which seems absolulely obsurd to me, but she will definitely be 2 years old in 4 months. I am not sure where the time has gone, but while it is been very emotionally trying it has been so incredible watching my precious little miracle grow into the amazing toddler she is today.
I often say out loud " That little girl right in front of me was 2lbs and 28 weeks, no one would ever believe me", I think to myself how lucky we are that she escaped all of the complications that her precious brother had to endure. He saved her life, he really did, while he had to sacrifice his own!!!!
I love you Brady and I miss you every day- I flash back to the 3 months that I got to love you and hold you and read to you and smell you- oh I miss you, but I smile bigger and bigger when I think of the life that you are living everyday!!!
While Gods master plan is very hard to understand, your purpose is apparent and you have touched and changed so many lives!!!
Your sister loves looking at your pictures, she kisses you, she pats your face, and she is learning all about you!!!! You will live on with us forever until we meet again my precious little boy!!!!
We love you, Mommy, Daddy and Taylor
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Happy New Year;))) Taylor is almost 19 Months old and 16 Months without Brady!
1/4/2014- A New Year, A New Day, The New Us!!!!
I have been trying to blog for several weeks now, but for some reason it has been so hard!! So here goes.
I want to begin by wishing everyone a Happy New year!
Taylor is growing up so fast, she will be 19 months old in a week and I am not sure where the time has gone. She is running and playing like a big girl, she is talking unbelievably: Her favorite lines are "Unn get down", " Yone go bye-bye", "Go Nite-Nite"", "Eat-Eat"," Hi-Da-da", "Bye Da-Da" " More-More-More (with sign language), " Agua-Agua " if no response with giving her a cup of water, then she proceeds with "Water-Water", " Baby-Nite-Nite", "Hi-Hi or Hi errbody" as she waves with a pageant wave to everyone and I mean everyone" the other sentences are to be determined;))) She talks all day long and I love it. This kid does not know a stranger and she makes it her business to greet everyone around her with a smile /wave/ Hi;) She loves food, and she only wants big girl food on a big girl plate , and might I add she only wants a big girl cup these days- no need for a sippy cup (she thinks);))) She absolutely loves kids of all ages, but she especially loves babies and will do anything to get close to any baby around. She rocks/feeds/kisses and strollers her babies all day, except for when she takes a break to cook us a meal in her kitchen (while she says over and over-cook-cook-cook and periodically taste what she is cooking and says YUMMMMM!!!) I love this girl, she is amazing and thank God for her everyday!!! She has truly saved me!!!! Taylor Reese you are my saving Grace and one day I will tell you all about it!!!! But I can't help but believe we are seeing Brady Shine through her everyday!!!!
As for Brady, of course I miss him more than ever!!! The pain is not any better, I am just learning better how to live with it. But Brady is just as amazing as Taylor and this holiday season more than proved that to me!! He is continuing to touch lives, change practices, and move mountains. Both of my babies have touched so many and that was apparent by seeing our community come together and donate in their honor to the March of Dimes a whopping $8600 in less than 3months. That speaks volumes and I believe that Brady is continuing his work hear from a far and I know that will continue!!!
Not sure why, but I have really been having a hard time recently. I have been to his grave site more recently than ever, while I know he is not physically there I feel that desire and need to go and be with him. I want to hold him, smell him, feed him, bathe him, etc......... I know I will again someday!!! I have joined an incredible group-The Compassionate Friends group and we meet in Griffin once a month and that has really helped b/c it is all parents of deceased children, so we all know and understand. I know that feelings will surface time to time and I know that living with this is the new us, and I am just slowly continuing to adjust to living this new normal. I am praying for increased closure in 2014 for some anger that I have held onto in the loss of my precious Brady. God as my leader has continued to show me the way in my healing. I love you dearly my precious Brady and I know that you are just as beautiful as your precious twin sister, I can only imagine how precious you are and I can imagine your glow!!! We will continue to speak of you and speak to you so that your sister knows just how special you are!! WE LOVE YOU BUDDY AND MISS YOU SO MUCH!!! UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN!!
Love, Mommy, Daddy, and Taylor
I have been trying to blog for several weeks now, but for some reason it has been so hard!! So here goes.
I want to begin by wishing everyone a Happy New year!
Taylor is growing up so fast, she will be 19 months old in a week and I am not sure where the time has gone. She is running and playing like a big girl, she is talking unbelievably: Her favorite lines are "Unn get down", " Yone go bye-bye", "Go Nite-Nite"", "Eat-Eat"," Hi-Da-da", "Bye Da-Da" " More-More-More (with sign language), " Agua-Agua " if no response with giving her a cup of water, then she proceeds with "Water-Water", " Baby-Nite-Nite", "Hi-Hi or Hi errbody" as she waves with a pageant wave to everyone and I mean everyone" the other sentences are to be determined;))) She talks all day long and I love it. This kid does not know a stranger and she makes it her business to greet everyone around her with a smile /wave/ Hi;) She loves food, and she only wants big girl food on a big girl plate , and might I add she only wants a big girl cup these days- no need for a sippy cup (she thinks);))) She absolutely loves kids of all ages, but she especially loves babies and will do anything to get close to any baby around. She rocks/feeds/kisses and strollers her babies all day, except for when she takes a break to cook us a meal in her kitchen (while she says over and over-cook-cook-cook and periodically taste what she is cooking and says YUMMMMM!!!) I love this girl, she is amazing and thank God for her everyday!!! She has truly saved me!!!! Taylor Reese you are my saving Grace and one day I will tell you all about it!!!! But I can't help but believe we are seeing Brady Shine through her everyday!!!!
As for Brady, of course I miss him more than ever!!! The pain is not any better, I am just learning better how to live with it. But Brady is just as amazing as Taylor and this holiday season more than proved that to me!! He is continuing to touch lives, change practices, and move mountains. Both of my babies have touched so many and that was apparent by seeing our community come together and donate in their honor to the March of Dimes a whopping $8600 in less than 3months. That speaks volumes and I believe that Brady is continuing his work hear from a far and I know that will continue!!!
Not sure why, but I have really been having a hard time recently. I have been to his grave site more recently than ever, while I know he is not physically there I feel that desire and need to go and be with him. I want to hold him, smell him, feed him, bathe him, etc......... I know I will again someday!!! I have joined an incredible group-The Compassionate Friends group and we meet in Griffin once a month and that has really helped b/c it is all parents of deceased children, so we all know and understand. I know that feelings will surface time to time and I know that living with this is the new us, and I am just slowly continuing to adjust to living this new normal. I am praying for increased closure in 2014 for some anger that I have held onto in the loss of my precious Brady. God as my leader has continued to show me the way in my healing. I love you dearly my precious Brady and I know that you are just as beautiful as your precious twin sister, I can only imagine how precious you are and I can imagine your glow!!! We will continue to speak of you and speak to you so that your sister knows just how special you are!! WE LOVE YOU BUDDY AND MISS YOU SO MUCH!!! UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN!!
Love, Mommy, Daddy, and Taylor
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Where have almost 16 months gone????
Well we have been back from our incredible Road Trip for one week!!! We had a great time!!!
Our Trip went like this:
State 1- Colorado
- Almont Colorado- Harmels Ranch
- Gunnison, CO
- Crested Butte, CO
- Somerset, CO
- Paonia, CO
- Steam Boat Springs, CO
*Gunnison National Park -one side to the other and back
State 2- Wyoming
-Got pulled over for going 37 in a 30 in Baggs, WY and then 1.5 hours later got pulled over again for 40 in a 30 in Pinedale- No tickets;)))
- Jackson/Downtown Jackson Hole, WY
-Antler Inn
- Grand Teton National Park
-42 Mile Scenic loop
-Lake Jenny boat tour/shuttle
-Hiked up to hidden falls and inspiration point
-Grand Teton Village
-Yellow Stone National Park
1. Lewis River Canyon
2. Hayden Valley-Mud Volcano
3. Grand Canyon of Yellowstone
4. Norris Geysor Basin/Museum
5. Firehole Canyon/Falls
6. Midway Geyser Basin
7. Old Faithful Geyser
8. Roaring Mountain
9. Mammoth Hot springs
State 3- Montana
-West Yellowstone Montana
-Old town West Yellow Stone
-Brandin Iron Inn
-Old Town Cody, WY
-The Cody
-Buffalo Bill Museum
-Thermopolis Hot Mineral Springs
-Wyoming Dinosaur Museum
-Wind River Canyon scenic byway
-Casper, WY
-Cheyenne, WY
* We will definitely be returning next year to see all of Montana and back to Wyoming;)))) Taylor was a trooper, she rolled with the frequent hotel stays, lots of travel and even took one of her first steps in a rest area in Colorado;))))))
While attending our great friends wedding in Colorado Brady joined us at the ceremony, he gently landed on the brides hair during the ceremony, we felt his presence so many times during our travels and it was so warm and comforting!!!
Taylor is now 16 months actual and 13 months adjusted and she is such a little spitfire!!! She is walking and talking and into everything!!! Although she walks, she still drops and crawls like lightning when she wants to get somewhere real fast!!! She says, DaDa, Mama, bot-bot (bottle), night-night, goggie (doggie), Hi, Bye, Bye-Bye, Hello, Uh-oh, Yuck!!! Anything else that she says right now is her own language and we just respond and nod with a smile!! She loves unlocking our iphones and scrolling through each page!! She loves food- she weaned herself from baby food about three weeks ago and she is getting whole milk and loving it!!! Our little girl is growing up so fast. This warms my heart because there was definitely a time when I was fearful !!!! I love this girl.
So while I'm watching Taylor meet all of these incredible milestones my mind ventures off to the world of wondering how and why- how come i dont get to have both of my babies, how would Brady have sounded, how would he move, would he crawl, walk? Why, why, why??? I wonder if he would have theses beautiful eyes like Taylor, would he throw tantrums when he is tired like she does!!! The wonder that I have to live with consumes me!!!! Oh my goodness I never imagined I could make it 13 months with out him but I have, because I trust in god!!!
We Miss him so much everyday and we talk of him and to him everyday!!!! We look forward to seeing and holding him again one day, but until then we will remember him and continue to allow his life to impact others as he has done each and everyday!!!
I am so thrilled to be going to an event in November, where I we will share our story and continue to raise awareness of prematurity and preterm birth. This event will reach out to many from across the state of georgia!!! Brady and Taylor's Story is moving Mountains!!!!!!
Our Trip went like this:
State 1- Colorado
- Almont Colorado- Harmels Ranch
- Gunnison, CO
- Crested Butte, CO
- Somerset, CO
- Paonia, CO
- Steam Boat Springs, CO
*Gunnison National Park -one side to the other and back
State 2- Wyoming
-Got pulled over for going 37 in a 30 in Baggs, WY and then 1.5 hours later got pulled over again for 40 in a 30 in Pinedale- No tickets;)))
- Jackson/Downtown Jackson Hole, WY
-Antler Inn
- Grand Teton National Park
-42 Mile Scenic loop
-Lake Jenny boat tour/shuttle
-Hiked up to hidden falls and inspiration point
-Grand Teton Village
-Yellow Stone National Park
1. Lewis River Canyon
2. Hayden Valley-Mud Volcano
3. Grand Canyon of Yellowstone
4. Norris Geysor Basin/Museum
5. Firehole Canyon/Falls
6. Midway Geyser Basin
7. Old Faithful Geyser
8. Roaring Mountain
9. Mammoth Hot springs
State 3- Montana
-West Yellowstone Montana
-Old town West Yellow Stone
-Brandin Iron Inn
-Old Town Cody, WY
-The Cody
-Buffalo Bill Museum
-Thermopolis Hot Mineral Springs
-Wyoming Dinosaur Museum
-Wind River Canyon scenic byway
-Casper, WY
-Cheyenne, WY
* We will definitely be returning next year to see all of Montana and back to Wyoming;)))) Taylor was a trooper, she rolled with the frequent hotel stays, lots of travel and even took one of her first steps in a rest area in Colorado;))))))
While attending our great friends wedding in Colorado Brady joined us at the ceremony, he gently landed on the brides hair during the ceremony, we felt his presence so many times during our travels and it was so warm and comforting!!!
Taylor is now 16 months actual and 13 months adjusted and she is such a little spitfire!!! She is walking and talking and into everything!!! Although she walks, she still drops and crawls like lightning when she wants to get somewhere real fast!!! She says, DaDa, Mama, bot-bot (bottle), night-night, goggie (doggie), Hi, Bye, Bye-Bye, Hello, Uh-oh, Yuck!!! Anything else that she says right now is her own language and we just respond and nod with a smile!! She loves unlocking our iphones and scrolling through each page!! She loves food- she weaned herself from baby food about three weeks ago and she is getting whole milk and loving it!!! Our little girl is growing up so fast. This warms my heart because there was definitely a time when I was fearful !!!! I love this girl.
So while I'm watching Taylor meet all of these incredible milestones my mind ventures off to the world of wondering how and why- how come i dont get to have both of my babies, how would Brady have sounded, how would he move, would he crawl, walk? Why, why, why??? I wonder if he would have theses beautiful eyes like Taylor, would he throw tantrums when he is tired like she does!!! The wonder that I have to live with consumes me!!!! Oh my goodness I never imagined I could make it 13 months with out him but I have, because I trust in god!!!
We Miss him so much everyday and we talk of him and to him everyday!!!! We look forward to seeing and holding him again one day, but until then we will remember him and continue to allow his life to impact others as he has done each and everyday!!!
I am so thrilled to be going to an event in November, where I we will share our story and continue to raise awareness of prematurity and preterm birth. This event will reach out to many from across the state of georgia!!! Brady and Taylor's Story is moving Mountains!!!!!!
Thursday, September 5, 2013
I made it ............
9/5/13-
Today was a GREAT day!!! I started the beginning of a tradition that I want to continue forever. My, mom, sister and I (hopefully one day my sis n law will be able to go;) )always go to the Yellow Daisy Festival, and this year Taylor Reese went with us- our special girls tradition!!!!!
It felt so good to have such a great day, b/c over the last year there have actually been a few times that I asked myself if I would ever have a Great Day again-even though I knew I would it felt impossible.
We went and celebrated Brady's anniversary and our 7th wedding anniversary at Rosemary Beach, it was painful, it was sad, anger came back, disappointment came back, every emotion that I felt just one short year ago. But, we meant that we were going to make it a celebration. So we lit a special candle meant for remembrance, and we allowed it to burn for 26 hours. I can't describe it, it actually felt like there was a presence amongst us, it was beautiful- in memory of our precious Brady!!!!! This trip was the beginning of me realizing that we can have fun still/again, we can live again, we can breathe again- all of those felt like they were gone. I am quite certain I have aged 10 years in the past year, but this was my turning point!!! This was an absolutely incredible trip!!
So many wild and reassuring signs:
I really believe that while I would never ask for Brady to be back here on earth, and while he will never be back in my arms here on earth- We will be together again for eternity!!!! I also know that god sends me beautiful symbolism of him, it is amazing!!!! There are days that I'm not sure I will make it through and low and behold, a beautiful butterfly will escort me down the drive, or hovever over me as I groom my flowers or lawn, and even times when I am crying while driving and one will just swoop down in front of the windshield. That is my reassurance that god hears me ;)))))
I can't make sense of some things, but I do feel certain that all that I endure is meant to aid in my healing process. Like the fact that everyday for this past year, I have either seen a set of twins or met someone with twins and I mean every single day. Although it is in a sense like daggers at times, it is therapeutic in making me work through my pain.
Brady Wiles has made me a person that I really like, I thought of myself as a good person: honest, sincere, loyal prior to my loss, but I am even more of the person I wanted to be- all of those things plus a woman who is very strong in my faith, and I look at life and people with a very different eye. Brady Wiles you are the most corageous person I know, you showed me more about life in 74 days than I have learned in my 33 years here on earth. I love you and miss you everyday!!! Oh what I would give to hold you, smell you, kiss you, feed you , on and on, just one more time- But I know the incredle journey you are on, live it up Buddy!!! We are taking great care of your sister- she is incredible!!!! We love you!!!!
Taylor Reese is so precious, beautiful, strong, brave, you name it!!! I love that girl!!!! She too has shown me what life is really about, one day I will tell her all about what her and her brother did for me and what they taught me!!!! Today my life is surrounded by positivity, I love my job, I have surrounded myself with people who value life and respect others as much as I do!!!! I love my family and friends- That is what life is all about!!!!!
We are taking our dream trip this month and are looking forward to having Taylor along with us as we take a road trip across Colorado, Wyoming, and Montana!!!!! We can't wait, and I can't wait to journal all about it!!!
Today was a GREAT day!!! I started the beginning of a tradition that I want to continue forever. My, mom, sister and I (hopefully one day my sis n law will be able to go;) )always go to the Yellow Daisy Festival, and this year Taylor Reese went with us- our special girls tradition!!!!!
It felt so good to have such a great day, b/c over the last year there have actually been a few times that I asked myself if I would ever have a Great Day again-even though I knew I would it felt impossible.
We went and celebrated Brady's anniversary and our 7th wedding anniversary at Rosemary Beach, it was painful, it was sad, anger came back, disappointment came back, every emotion that I felt just one short year ago. But, we meant that we were going to make it a celebration. So we lit a special candle meant for remembrance, and we allowed it to burn for 26 hours. I can't describe it, it actually felt like there was a presence amongst us, it was beautiful- in memory of our precious Brady!!!!! This trip was the beginning of me realizing that we can have fun still/again, we can live again, we can breathe again- all of those felt like they were gone. I am quite certain I have aged 10 years in the past year, but this was my turning point!!! This was an absolutely incredible trip!!
So many wild and reassuring signs:
I really believe that while I would never ask for Brady to be back here on earth, and while he will never be back in my arms here on earth- We will be together again for eternity!!!! I also know that god sends me beautiful symbolism of him, it is amazing!!!! There are days that I'm not sure I will make it through and low and behold, a beautiful butterfly will escort me down the drive, or hovever over me as I groom my flowers or lawn, and even times when I am crying while driving and one will just swoop down in front of the windshield. That is my reassurance that god hears me ;)))))
I can't make sense of some things, but I do feel certain that all that I endure is meant to aid in my healing process. Like the fact that everyday for this past year, I have either seen a set of twins or met someone with twins and I mean every single day. Although it is in a sense like daggers at times, it is therapeutic in making me work through my pain.
Brady Wiles has made me a person that I really like, I thought of myself as a good person: honest, sincere, loyal prior to my loss, but I am even more of the person I wanted to be- all of those things plus a woman who is very strong in my faith, and I look at life and people with a very different eye. Brady Wiles you are the most corageous person I know, you showed me more about life in 74 days than I have learned in my 33 years here on earth. I love you and miss you everyday!!! Oh what I would give to hold you, smell you, kiss you, feed you , on and on, just one more time- But I know the incredle journey you are on, live it up Buddy!!! We are taking great care of your sister- she is incredible!!!! We love you!!!!
Taylor Reese is so precious, beautiful, strong, brave, you name it!!! I love that girl!!!! She too has shown me what life is really about, one day I will tell her all about what her and her brother did for me and what they taught me!!!! Today my life is surrounded by positivity, I love my job, I have surrounded myself with people who value life and respect others as much as I do!!!! I love my family and friends- That is what life is all about!!!!!
We are taking our dream trip this month and are looking forward to having Taylor along with us as we take a road trip across Colorado, Wyoming, and Montana!!!!! We can't wait, and I can't wait to journal all about it!!!
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Taylor's first Beach Trip and family vacation.......And then Some really hard days.....
7/14/13- Well, I haven't blogged in some time, but I just needed to come to this special place tonight.
We just had an incredible family vacation, and wow Taylor's first Beach trip ;) My whole family-my family of three, my mom/dad, my sister/brother in law/nephew and my brother/sister in law. We had a fantastic week at the beach, sunshine everyday, great food, a date night out to the race just Justin and I, relaxation, sun-tanning, swimming...Taylor loved the beach, she ate the sand and I just let her, she drank the ocean water and I just let her b/c she was having fun, the girl was in heaven-she had a ball- it was incredible!!!! We had been looking forward to this vacation, b/c it was our first real vacation since the babies were born. We also just really needed a getaway- well it was perfect. I love my family.
I had made a promise to myself, that although I knew I would miss and think about Brady I wasn't going to let it consume me or control my trip. I did good, while I missed him and thought of him, and smiled of him often, even cried a few times, I focused my trip on Taylor's first Beach experience and the memories to be made and boy did we make some awesome memories for her. Daytona Beach 2013.
Well I definitely wasn't prepared for how I would feel when I got home, it was/is weird, and very hard to explain. As we drove down the drive and we passed Brady's Bridge, I glanced over at his sign/bridge and I had this overwhelming feeling that something had been left behind or that something was missing... Well it was, we aren't a family of three, we are a family of four... Brady was supposed to share that first beach experience, first ocean experience, first pool experience, first family beach photo. It all came down on me, I cried the whole first evening we were home, it felt sort of like the first night we were home without him after he passed. I cried out to Justin, b/c I have been doing so well and staying so strong and now my feelings were back full swing. He comforted me and reassured me that it would get better.
I'm not really sure what or why this was triggered, but what I can tell you is that I miss that little boy so much and as I pray and talk to Brady everynight I feel his presence more and more. I will see him again one day and I know it will be beautiful. But boy would I give anything just to hold him one more time and snuggle him one more time, give him one more bath, change his clothes one more time........ on and on......!!!
They are 13 months old now which is so hard to believe!!! Taylor is standing independently, but just not quite ready to take that first step, but it is definitely any day now;) She is awesome, as I have said a thousand times and will continue to say-one day this precious little girl will learn to understand how much she helped her mommy and daddy during a terribly devastating time. I love you Taylor Reese!!! And Brady Wiles we will all be together again one day, We love you so much!!!!!
We just had an incredible family vacation, and wow Taylor's first Beach trip ;) My whole family-my family of three, my mom/dad, my sister/brother in law/nephew and my brother/sister in law. We had a fantastic week at the beach, sunshine everyday, great food, a date night out to the race just Justin and I, relaxation, sun-tanning, swimming...Taylor loved the beach, she ate the sand and I just let her, she drank the ocean water and I just let her b/c she was having fun, the girl was in heaven-she had a ball- it was incredible!!!! We had been looking forward to this vacation, b/c it was our first real vacation since the babies were born. We also just really needed a getaway- well it was perfect. I love my family.
I had made a promise to myself, that although I knew I would miss and think about Brady I wasn't going to let it consume me or control my trip. I did good, while I missed him and thought of him, and smiled of him often, even cried a few times, I focused my trip on Taylor's first Beach experience and the memories to be made and boy did we make some awesome memories for her. Daytona Beach 2013.
Well I definitely wasn't prepared for how I would feel when I got home, it was/is weird, and very hard to explain. As we drove down the drive and we passed Brady's Bridge, I glanced over at his sign/bridge and I had this overwhelming feeling that something had been left behind or that something was missing... Well it was, we aren't a family of three, we are a family of four... Brady was supposed to share that first beach experience, first ocean experience, first pool experience, first family beach photo. It all came down on me, I cried the whole first evening we were home, it felt sort of like the first night we were home without him after he passed. I cried out to Justin, b/c I have been doing so well and staying so strong and now my feelings were back full swing. He comforted me and reassured me that it would get better.
I'm not really sure what or why this was triggered, but what I can tell you is that I miss that little boy so much and as I pray and talk to Brady everynight I feel his presence more and more. I will see him again one day and I know it will be beautiful. But boy would I give anything just to hold him one more time and snuggle him one more time, give him one more bath, change his clothes one more time........ on and on......!!!
They are 13 months old now which is so hard to believe!!! Taylor is standing independently, but just not quite ready to take that first step, but it is definitely any day now;) She is awesome, as I have said a thousand times and will continue to say-one day this precious little girl will learn to understand how much she helped her mommy and daddy during a terribly devastating time. I love you Taylor Reese!!! And Brady Wiles we will all be together again one day, We love you so much!!!!!
Saturday, May 18, 2013
May 18, 2013- "Mommies who have given a child back"
5/18/13- I have just really been missing my precious, beautiful little boy!!! I really do believe and trust that I know what Brady's purpose was here on this earth- and I will see to it that his daddy and I fullfill that purpose. And I do also believe that this was God's master plan!!! But, that does not mean that I don't cry, get mad, want to scream b/c I wanted that little boy more than anything. I wanted Taylor to have her twin brother to grow with and play with. That was all taken from me ;( And I am sad, mad, angry, disappointed, and just plain devastated .
It is insane the things that a devastated mommy will do, like the other night I was on my way home from work at 8:45 and it was all that I could do not to drive all the way to the cemetary to just lay by Brady's grave. I just wanted to go lay with him and talk to him, but I didn't go b/c I also needed to get home and see my precious Taylor!!!
Burst of emotion just come over me and I will just talk or cry out loud and talk to Brady!!!!
The other day I was driving home from the grocery store and Taylor was in the back just cooing and babbling and out of pure joy I just burst out crying b/c I wanted to be hearing both of my babies babbling, and out of the blue a beautiful Butterfly just swooped down in front of my windshield and I just knew that was Brady saying mommy don't cry, I am okay!! I spoke out and said I know you are with me Buddy- Taylor, and mommy and daddy feel you everyday!!!
These things might sound crazy, but it is totally out of your control when you have lost a child, and especially a child that you had prepared for and decorated for and bought for!! I love and miss him, and I am continuing everyday to watch him grow through his beautiful sister- we show her pictures of him everyday and mention his name in every conversation!!!
Although time is slowly healing this wound, I will never forget him or the pain that goes with having to say good bye to him- the vision of his last breath will never escape me (although it was devastating, I am so proud that our little family of four held strong and walked through this journey with him all the way to the end). But I cherish and remember and hold on to every minute/second/hour of the 74 days that I had to spend with him!!!
As for Taylor she is unbelievable-she blows my mind!!! She is 11 months (8.5 months adjusted) She is standing and cruising, saying mama, dada (yes dada was her first word). She is like lighting when she crawls. She continues to be our rock and one day we will tell her what she did for this family!!!
That little girl Rocks!!! I love you Taylor and love and miss you everyday Brady!!!
We love you, Mommy and Daddy!!!!
It is insane the things that a devastated mommy will do, like the other night I was on my way home from work at 8:45 and it was all that I could do not to drive all the way to the cemetary to just lay by Brady's grave. I just wanted to go lay with him and talk to him, but I didn't go b/c I also needed to get home and see my precious Taylor!!!
Burst of emotion just come over me and I will just talk or cry out loud and talk to Brady!!!!
The other day I was driving home from the grocery store and Taylor was in the back just cooing and babbling and out of pure joy I just burst out crying b/c I wanted to be hearing both of my babies babbling, and out of the blue a beautiful Butterfly just swooped down in front of my windshield and I just knew that was Brady saying mommy don't cry, I am okay!! I spoke out and said I know you are with me Buddy- Taylor, and mommy and daddy feel you everyday!!!
These things might sound crazy, but it is totally out of your control when you have lost a child, and especially a child that you had prepared for and decorated for and bought for!! I love and miss him, and I am continuing everyday to watch him grow through his beautiful sister- we show her pictures of him everyday and mention his name in every conversation!!!
Although time is slowly healing this wound, I will never forget him or the pain that goes with having to say good bye to him- the vision of his last breath will never escape me (although it was devastating, I am so proud that our little family of four held strong and walked through this journey with him all the way to the end). But I cherish and remember and hold on to every minute/second/hour of the 74 days that I had to spend with him!!!
As for Taylor she is unbelievable-she blows my mind!!! She is 11 months (8.5 months adjusted) She is standing and cruising, saying mama, dada (yes dada was her first word). She is like lighting when she crawls. She continues to be our rock and one day we will tell her what she did for this family!!!
That little girl Rocks!!! I love you Taylor and love and miss you everyday Brady!!!
We love you, Mommy and Daddy!!!!
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Brings back so many memories.........
April 27th, 2013- Well I haven't blogged in a while but as I sit here with tears in my eyes as i am sitting in this hospital room with my sweet Taylor brings back so many memories both good and bad of my precious Brady!!! Yes we are at the hospital, Taylor has croup and after two trips to Scottish rite in two days they decided to admit her, so here we are!! She is doing ok, just having a hard time shaking this so we are here until she is free if stridor without needing treatments, but we can't complain bc this her first time being sick in 10 month!!!!
The hardest part of this is that everything about this hospital makes me think of Brady- his smell, his machines, his sweet face,etc. I lost it today when I was bathing Taylor bc the last time I used a hospital pan to give a bath was right after Brady passed-as I prepared him for the funeral home!!! It was all to real!! So I streamed tears as I bathed her and Justin comforted me!!!! I miss that little boy!!!
Tonight did me in!!! I called for RT (respiratory therapy) bc Taylor needed to be suctioned, so once again we held her down ( thank goodness for Justin he is my rock once again), for the third time today as she kicked and screamed but I had to stay strong for her. Then another dreaded epi treatment!!!! She has been such a trooper but by this time she was ALL DONE!!! And so was I, again after it was all done, I rocked with her in my arms and comforted her and streamed tears bc I am tired of being strong!!! So tonight I let myself cry!!!! It felt good!! I love this little girl and everyday she reminds me of all that we have to be thankful for!! I continue to pray and my faith continues to pull me through!!!
On a positive note: Taylor is continuing to dominate!!! She is pulling up on everything and cruising around her crib and along couch, periodically she gets cocky and let's go and it scares her;) she def crawls now after months of army crawling but prefers standing!! The pediatrician that admitted her today said she couldn't believe she was a former 28 weeker- bc she is every bit of a 10 month old!!! That is music to my ears!!! Well I must get done rest while she is sleeping!! I love you Brady and Taylor !!!!!
The hardest part of this is that everything about this hospital makes me think of Brady- his smell, his machines, his sweet face,etc. I lost it today when I was bathing Taylor bc the last time I used a hospital pan to give a bath was right after Brady passed-as I prepared him for the funeral home!!! It was all to real!! So I streamed tears as I bathed her and Justin comforted me!!!! I miss that little boy!!!
Tonight did me in!!! I called for RT (respiratory therapy) bc Taylor needed to be suctioned, so once again we held her down ( thank goodness for Justin he is my rock once again), for the third time today as she kicked and screamed but I had to stay strong for her. Then another dreaded epi treatment!!!! She has been such a trooper but by this time she was ALL DONE!!! And so was I, again after it was all done, I rocked with her in my arms and comforted her and streamed tears bc I am tired of being strong!!! So tonight I let myself cry!!!! It felt good!! I love this little girl and everyday she reminds me of all that we have to be thankful for!! I continue to pray and my faith continues to pull me through!!!
On a positive note: Taylor is continuing to dominate!!! She is pulling up on everything and cruising around her crib and along couch, periodically she gets cocky and let's go and it scares her;) she def crawls now after months of army crawling but prefers standing!! The pediatrician that admitted her today said she couldn't believe she was a former 28 weeker- bc she is every bit of a 10 month old!!! That is music to my ears!!! Well I must get done rest while she is sleeping!! I love you Brady and Taylor !!!!!
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