A Huge Milestone......

 

 

01/21/2015- A Huge Milestone for me.............

I wasn't quite sure when this day would come for me, but it just felt like it was time. Taylor is 2 years and 7 months now, before we know it we will be planning her 3rd Birthday and I just felt like it was time to finally transition Taylor and Brady's room to just Taylors room ( Brady's Closet and drawers had remained untouched until now), But Today we will remove those items and package them nicely. I really didn't remember just how ready I was for him, but today was a great reminder:( The pain swirled back, the heartbreak resurfaced and tears began to flow-But also a sweet reminder of how excited we were to prepare for him. Taylor helped me as we emptied his drawers, she got all of his socks, his towels, wash cloths, burp cloths, etc. Taylor began to notice that a lot of Brady's things were exactly like hers just Blue instead of Pink. It was so sweet, she would go and get her blanket that matched his and her cup labels that matched his and her brush that matched his, and so on..........

While this was a very hard task I felt that it was right, it was a symbol to me that God was telling me it is okay, it is time:)) I can only dream that either one day I may have another son that will be so honored to use all of Brady's Items, and if that isn't so then someone else will have a special child whom I will hand these items down to. I smile when I think of seeing these items being used one day;)

While we continue to talk of Brady and tell Taylor about Brady, we know that she doesn't completely grasp who he is, but I tell you one thing she sure does have a connection with him that we may never fully understand completely. She periodically speaks of him as though she feels him. We went to talk to him at the cemetery, and as we pull in she says " We are here to see Brady"..... Well this particulary time on Christmas Day we went, visited and pack up and we were all pretty quite pulling out and as we hit the Exit, Taylor says out of No where " Brady is Happy"!!!! Justin and I looked at eachother and just smiled and we said Brady is Happy;)) WE KNOW HE IS...... AND SHE CONFIRMED IT!!! There are times that you question your decisions when you are faced with making end of life decisions for your child~~~~~ But there is no doubt, BRADY IS HAPPY!!!!!

Taylor is so much fun.... She is Amazing!! She is Definitely 2 1/2, and is definitely testing the waters, and definitely spending some time in TIME OUT, But I am so grateful that she is doing these things b/c as we know without her strength, will to live and determination she might not have been doing these things. We love you Taylor Reese and look forward to enjoying every stage with you!!!!!

 

Taylor having a snack and Calling Mandy........ 

                                                         A few of Brady's Things.....

                                  
                                                     Some more special items..... 

Two and a Half.......

12/12/14- -Well Today my sweet Taylor is 2 1/2 years old....WOW..... Hard to believe my baby is growing up so fast!! She is so amazing- I look at her everyday and feel so grateful for what I have learned as her Mommy. I appreciate this little girl more than words....I give so much thanks to her sweet Brother Brady who taught me what really matters about life. I'm not saying that I don't get frusturated when it takes me an hour longer to shop, or feel overwhelmed when my house is messy, or feel tired,  but I definitely love and appreciate all of the normal things that go hand in hand with being a mommy!!! Thank you Taylor and Brady for making me the mommy that I am and teaching me so much about life over the past 2 1/2 years!!!

Well Taylor is just rocking along: She still loves baby dolls, She has Four favorite Princess (Sophia, Ariel, Belle, and Cindrella), She loves Mickey Mouse, Cooking and having tea parties are what our mornings off together consist of, She loves to review all of her colors, She loves to tell me her letters and associate with appropriate word (D for Dad, T for Taylor, Z for zoey, K for Kieran), She says in a very exaggerated manner "I'm 2 years old", She gets a few songs mixed up but it is so cute I can't correct it "You wanna Build a snowman because the bible tells me so" (a little frozen and jesus loves me;)))))) We practice gymnastics all the time and she loves class with Mrs Nicole, etc, etc.

This girl blows me away;)))) I am so lucky to be her mommy- I can only imagine how amazing Brady is!!! Boy oh Boy do I wonder everyday.... I out of the blue told a patient about him today. I typically wouldn't do that , but you know what it felt so good!!! I love that Boy more than anything and want to tell everyone that I see all about him!! Sometimes I just do.

Celebrating A true Miracle.....

9/21/14- Today is no special day, it is just another day..... But for whatever reason my babies-both of them have been heavy on my mind. This is actually not uncommon as not a day goes by that I don't think of them both, but for some reason today feelings and emotions are really strong!!! As I was on my way to work this morning I had this overwhelming thought of how it would be for Taylor to have a living sibling, what a great sister she would be/is... Lots of thoughts!!! Taylor loves to look at pictures of Brady, of course she calls him Baby Brady;))) It makes me smile!!! She is amazing, a true miracle and a blessing to Justin and I. I truly celebrate her life everyday.
Taylor is 2yrs and 3 mths and growing rapidly before my eyes!!!!
She loves gymnastics, she loves kids and is obsessed with babies;)) She loves mickey and Minnie mouse, little Einsteins, Doc McStuffins and Sophia the First!!! she eats whatever is put in front of her, her vocabulary is unbelievable, communication is like a small adult;))) Her Manners are precious: "Thank you so much Momma", "No 'e' Mam", "Yes 'e' Mam", not sure where the 'e' is coming from but it is precious;)) She is just our precious miracle that continues to amaze us daily- We love that girl!!!!
On days like today when the thought of my babies is some what tough, I choose to rejoice over our miracle and remember the beautiful 3 months that we shared with Brady!!!
Love you two!!!

5 Painful Days

8/20/14- It was two years ago today , 2.5 months after Brady and Taylor were born that Brady was transported to CHOA- And we were informed by Egleston's NICU team of Brady's true Brain damage/Injury. I will never forget these next 5 days as long as I live. It was meetings with second/third opinions, many questions, and major decisions. It was real, the damage had been there, and we were just finding out! The pain is just as real today as it was then, I would say this second year is even a little more painful than that 1 year anniversary;( But the only difference is that I have peace in knowing that God is continuing to use Brady in changing so many lives!!!!

I am gearing up for August 25th, as it will be painful but we will celebrate him and his life .................

"The Day"

5/28/14- May 28th probably just seems like any old day to most people, but today two years later this day is very significant to me. On this day two years ago, I drove to my call shift at 6:00 am just like any old day, I was 26 5/7 weeks pregnant. It was busy, four deliveries and two C-sections later, I didn't feel right, but never in a million years did I imagine that pre-term labor would admit me to the hospital where I would hang out until I delivered but It did;((( Well now two years later this day just reminds me of the beginning of so many life changing events....... So today I decided I would stay busy and enjoy/love/hug/kiss/laugh/and squeeze my precious little miracle who has picked me up and carried me through this heart wrenching whirl wind of a ride!!! I love you Taylor;)))))

Several times today I just stopped and said this little girl is amazing;)) She is 23 months, 20.5 months adjusted (one month from now I don't ever have to hear adjusted age ever again;))))) , and she is talking in sentences, writes with a pen like an adult with both hands and tells me as she is writing a line and a circle, she says "ABC and 123", she is really using her Spanish that Mrs Elba teaches her, She dances to all kinds of music, etc, but most importantly she makes me smile all day every day.

Brady taught me what being a mommy is all about and I am so proud but sad to say that having lost him has made me a better Mommy, never taking one day/one minute/one second for granted.

I am still struggling with the conversation of children ;( twice in one week I have left a conversation feeling horrible. I don't know when this will become easy, but right now its sucks.
The question how many children do you have? or Is she your only one?, and I hesitate and then say Yes, b/c I don't want to make them feel bad or ackward in telling them that I had a son who passed away!! But then I leave feeling horrible b/c I didn't tell someone about my precious Son Brady who was 7lb 14 oz when he passed, whom I got to hold and love and kiss for 3 months, who God needed more than I did. I know that in time, this will get easier but right now its not.

Well, these are just my feelings today!! For some reason I will never forget this day as long as I live, b/c it knocked me off my feet just two years ago and made me realize a lot about life.

Taylor Reese and Brady Wiles, Mommy and Daddy love you two so much;)))))))

" So Many Blessings, yet so much heartache"

5/3/14-  Taylor will be 23 months actual age (20.5 months adjusted) in just a few days. She is amazing!!!! She really does blow my mind everyday. She is such a neat kid, her routine is so sweet- When Justin gets home from work she runs to the door saying " Hi DaDa, tractor vroom vroom, peeeese, peeese" And this is everyday!! So they cruise the property on daddy's tractor for about 30 minutes and then she says, " Truck, Truck, get keys", so next they sit in Justin's work truck while she pretends to drive, and she is not happy unless he is sitting next to her!! This kid spends majority of her day outside playing/running/hugging dogs, etc. But a tractor ride everyday is a must;)))) No one could imagine what joy this brings to me to see Justin and Taylor have such a special relationship- she loves her daddy and boy does he love her!!!!!!! Taylor loves everyone, she especially loves kids!! We go to the park once or twice per week and the first thing she says to any kids that are there is " Come on Kids" as she is waving them over;)) She says Hug, Hug to any child that is around until they give her a hug!!!! She is so loving.  She absolutely loves baby dolls- she sleeps with 5 babies;)) She eats anything, and eats very good!! She doesn't really have a favorite, she likes it all!!! She does love milk, and of course cookies!!!! We have started to introduce potty training- she loves to tell you that she is peeing and pooping while it is taking place and she loves to take you to the bathroom and point to the toilet and say teetee or poopoo, but she doesn't want to actually go on potty!! But we are in no rush, we are just having fun with her learning;))) Favorite things to say: " I did it, yay", " be careful", "Table, pike, v-sit (as she performs her gymnastics)", " sit down mama", " Go outside", " Tractor Vroom Vroom", " Papa Hold you, ride combine" ( She repeats combine over and over until papa takes her for a ride on the combine".
I love this girl so much!!!! She is my saving grace!!
Well, she has started saying something new recently. She has started referencing Brady as her Brother, she says" Brady Broder"!!! I absolutely love it, but it breaks my heart b/c I dread the day that she understands and wants to know why Brady lives with Jesus!! Right now she looks at his pictures and says, "Brady Night Night"!!! Her innocence is precious!!! I just remind myself that I can do this;))))

Well,  I have to admit that this second year has not been easy, I miss Brady so much, more than words!! I find myself trying to make sense of why God needed him more than me, I sometimes ask out loud why didn't I deserve him, I ask my self lots of questions and I just can't help it. I'm still sad, I'm still mad, I'm still in disbelief, etc.. My compassionate friends group told me that this would be a hard year and I didn't want to believe it, but it is hard. I am waiting patiently yet working diligently toward healing. My best days are when I am at work, I love my job- I am so lucky to have a job that I love, it is busy, great people and it keeps me focused. My off days are hard b/c I allow my self to think about what could have been, and what should have been and I want it so bad, but I will never get to experience raising Brady and Taylor together, I can only dream of it!!!!!!! Boy is it a Beautiful dream to think about-that is all I have!!!!! I just continue to pray and I know that in time that just like I have already come a long way I will continue to heal even further. Right now it just feels really bad!!!

Three things I am so proud of that keeps me going is my precious Miracle Taylor who is amazing, My rock of a husband and the fact that these two precious babies are continuing to impact so many lives- Team Brady and Taylor raised almost $14,000 dollars for March of Dimes and will continue to support in raising awareness of prematurity.

Sweet Taylor and Angel Brady, Mommy and Daddy love you so much!!!!!!!

3/29/14- " My heart is smiling"....

3/29/14- Today has been such an incredible day- I watched my precious little Taylor enjoy swimming lessons with Justin and then we enjoyed a cookies and milk birthday party for two of Taylors sweet friends and one of mommy's dear friends and then I watched Taylor, Kieran, and Gracie play tonight at Kieran's 2nd birthday party- no one would ever believe us if we told them our stories. These three precious babies were all born far too early, but have more than beat the odds, but unfortunately we all had to say goodbye to one of our twins. I am so thankful for these ladies, I don't think I could ever truly tell them what there friendships have done for me.

As I watched them all play tonight, I thanked god for his true blessing/miracle in Taylor.

While I remember everyday how blessed we are to have Taylor who managed to overcome every obstacle that could be for a 28 weeker, I also remember that our other precious Baby endured every last obstacle and just wasn't able to overcome them.

As we inch closer and closer to their second birthday, I am overjoyed at what an incredible little girl Taylor has grown into, but it makes me miss Brady more and more-because I just can't help but WONDER?

But everytime I think of that little boy, or I miss that little boy, or I cry about my little boy- I hug Taylor a little tighter and I formulate my next goal for contributing to march of dimes to fight against prematurity!!!

Well, I just wanted to share about this beautiful day we shared with beautiful people!!!