"The Day"

5/28/14- May 28th probably just seems like any old day to most people, but today two years later this day is very significant to me. On this day two years ago, I drove to my call shift at 6:00 am just like any old day, I was 26 5/7 weeks pregnant. It was busy, four deliveries and two C-sections later, I didn't feel right, but never in a million years did I imagine that pre-term labor would admit me to the hospital where I would hang out until I delivered but It did;((( Well now two years later this day just reminds me of the beginning of so many life changing events....... So today I decided I would stay busy and enjoy/love/hug/kiss/laugh/and squeeze my precious little miracle who has picked me up and carried me through this heart wrenching whirl wind of a ride!!! I love you Taylor;)))))

Several times today I just stopped and said this little girl is amazing;)) She is 23 months, 20.5 months adjusted (one month from now I don't ever have to hear adjusted age ever again;))))) , and she is talking in sentences, writes with a pen like an adult with both hands and tells me as she is writing a line and a circle, she says "ABC and 123", she is really using her Spanish that Mrs Elba teaches her, She dances to all kinds of music, etc, but most importantly she makes me smile all day every day.

Brady taught me what being a mommy is all about and I am so proud but sad to say that having lost him has made me a better Mommy, never taking one day/one minute/one second for granted.

I am still struggling with the conversation of children ;( twice in one week I have left a conversation feeling horrible. I don't know when this will become easy, but right now its sucks.
The question how many children do you have? or Is she your only one?, and I hesitate and then say Yes, b/c I don't want to make them feel bad or ackward in telling them that I had a son who passed away!! But then I leave feeling horrible b/c I didn't tell someone about my precious Son Brady who was 7lb 14 oz when he passed, whom I got to hold and love and kiss for 3 months, who God needed more than I did. I know that in time, this will get easier but right now its not.

Well, these are just my feelings today!! For some reason I will never forget this day as long as I live, b/c it knocked me off my feet just two years ago and made me realize a lot about life.

Taylor Reese and Brady Wiles, Mommy and Daddy love you two so much;)))))))

" So Many Blessings, yet so much heartache"

5/3/14-  Taylor will be 23 months actual age (20.5 months adjusted) in just a few days. She is amazing!!!! She really does blow my mind everyday. She is such a neat kid, her routine is so sweet- When Justin gets home from work she runs to the door saying " Hi DaDa, tractor vroom vroom, peeeese, peeese" And this is everyday!! So they cruise the property on daddy's tractor for about 30 minutes and then she says, " Truck, Truck, get keys", so next they sit in Justin's work truck while she pretends to drive, and she is not happy unless he is sitting next to her!! This kid spends majority of her day outside playing/running/hugging dogs, etc. But a tractor ride everyday is a must;)))) No one could imagine what joy this brings to me to see Justin and Taylor have such a special relationship- she loves her daddy and boy does he love her!!!!!!! Taylor loves everyone, she especially loves kids!! We go to the park once or twice per week and the first thing she says to any kids that are there is " Come on Kids" as she is waving them over;)) She says Hug, Hug to any child that is around until they give her a hug!!!! She is so loving.  She absolutely loves baby dolls- she sleeps with 5 babies;)) She eats anything, and eats very good!! She doesn't really have a favorite, she likes it all!!! She does love milk, and of course cookies!!!! We have started to introduce potty training- she loves to tell you that she is peeing and pooping while it is taking place and she loves to take you to the bathroom and point to the toilet and say teetee or poopoo, but she doesn't want to actually go on potty!! But we are in no rush, we are just having fun with her learning;))) Favorite things to say: " I did it, yay", " be careful", "Table, pike, v-sit (as she performs her gymnastics)", " sit down mama", " Go outside", " Tractor Vroom Vroom", " Papa Hold you, ride combine" ( She repeats combine over and over until papa takes her for a ride on the combine".
I love this girl so much!!!! She is my saving grace!!
Well, she has started saying something new recently. She has started referencing Brady as her Brother, she says" Brady Broder"!!! I absolutely love it, but it breaks my heart b/c I dread the day that she understands and wants to know why Brady lives with Jesus!! Right now she looks at his pictures and says, "Brady Night Night"!!! Her innocence is precious!!! I just remind myself that I can do this;))))

Well,  I have to admit that this second year has not been easy, I miss Brady so much, more than words!! I find myself trying to make sense of why God needed him more than me, I sometimes ask out loud why didn't I deserve him, I ask my self lots of questions and I just can't help it. I'm still sad, I'm still mad, I'm still in disbelief, etc.. My compassionate friends group told me that this would be a hard year and I didn't want to believe it, but it is hard. I am waiting patiently yet working diligently toward healing. My best days are when I am at work, I love my job- I am so lucky to have a job that I love, it is busy, great people and it keeps me focused. My off days are hard b/c I allow my self to think about what could have been, and what should have been and I want it so bad, but I will never get to experience raising Brady and Taylor together, I can only dream of it!!!!!!! Boy is it a Beautiful dream to think about-that is all I have!!!!! I just continue to pray and I know that in time that just like I have already come a long way I will continue to heal even further. Right now it just feels really bad!!!

Three things I am so proud of that keeps me going is my precious Miracle Taylor who is amazing, My rock of a husband and the fact that these two precious babies are continuing to impact so many lives- Team Brady and Taylor raised almost $14,000 dollars for March of Dimes and will continue to support in raising awareness of prematurity.

Sweet Taylor and Angel Brady, Mommy and Daddy love you so much!!!!!!!