6 months ago today.....

2/25/13-

I can't believe that it has been 6 months since my beautiful little boy earned his wings. It was August 25, 2012 at 2:40 am when Brady Wiles Jenkins went to be with Jesus. Justin and I held on to that little boy oh so tight for hours as we waited for his strong little heart to quit beating. As his parents we walked by his side and jumped through all of the obstacles with him and meant that we were going to be right there with him until he took his last breath and that is what we did.  We were given three precious months with him and I am so glad for that. I cherish all the days that I stared through that plastic box as I watched him grow, and I cherish the hours and hours that I got to Kangoo Care with him, I cherish the two baths that I was able to give him (one while he was living and the last one right after he passed away). More than anything I cherish the days that I had with him prior to learning of his real diagnosis!!!! Thank you god for allowing me to be able to feed him his first bottle, and to give him is first passy, and to love him unconditionally!!!!

I miss him more than words could describe, and I am still working everyday to heal this incredibly deep wound. It is a pain that noone could understand unless they have been through it.  But, my beautiful Taylor; Brady's precious twin sister is my rock who reminds me everyday of what a miracle she is and that Brady is rejoicing in Heaven!!!! That little girl is incredible, and she amazes me everyday. Thank you God for this precious little Blessing and I have peace knowing that Brady is safe and healed.

Brady and Taylor-Mommy and Daddy love you unconditionally!!!!

What a year!!!!!

2/6/13- As I sit here this morning watching my precious baby girl playing and talking and smiling up at me, I drift off into space and picture this beautiful little brown hair boy sitting and smiling so peacefully!!!! I know that is Brady!! I love envisioning him, but I feel guilt b/c I should be enjoying my little girl (Oh do I enjoy her- I love her so much!) and I always drift off to trying to enjoy my little boy too!!!! This is so hard, b/c there is no way to describe the feeling of trying to mourn the loss of your child, but cherish every moment and be oh so thankful for the miracle right in front of you. It is ripping my heart out. But, I will say that it is slowly getting better. I know it probably seems like after almost 6 months it should be a little easier but believe it or not it has at times been harder b/c there are so many first without him, and that is hard. As I start to plan and think of their first birthday, I crumble. But that is going to be one joyous day, as we celebrate Taylors big day and Brady's precious life. I keep just clinging to god and praying for strength everyday and that has been granted, but I make sure to allow myself the right to grieve and talk about it.

I just feel like sharing this:
It seems like lately I have seen and met so many with Twins, and that is probably one of the hardest things, b/c I gaze and stare at them wondering how my life would and could have been with both of my precious babies. I am sure that it is very hard raising twins, but I am sure that it isn't near as hard as having to say goodbye and letting go of your precious Baby. I want that chaos, I want to be crazy trying to juggle two of everything, I want it, I want it!!!! I still have so many doubles of everything. I just can't seem to part with all of Brady's things. I just keep his closet closed and Occasionally I will peek in to just see all of his sweet things!!!! 
I hope I continue to meet people with twins, b/c I am a mother of multiples and all though I didn't get the chance to raise two of them together, I got to feel the love of power of mothering two precious preemies for 3 months. So I understand the heart of a mom of multiples.

Well the heart break goes on, but more importantly everyday that I wake up to see this beautiful little smiling face my heart desires to be stronger than that pain so that my little girl has her mommy 100%, She so deserves all of her mommy and daddy!!!! She continues to amaze me everyday, and like I have said 1000 times before, one day this little girl will know and understand what great things she did for her mommy and daddy!!! We love you Taylor, and will always love and miss you precious Brady until we all meet again!!!!