2/6/13- As I sit here this morning watching my precious baby girl playing and talking and smiling up at me, I drift off into space and picture this beautiful little brown hair boy sitting and smiling so peacefully!!!! I know that is Brady!! I love envisioning him, but I feel guilt b/c I should be enjoying my little girl (Oh do I enjoy her- I love her so much!) and I always drift off to trying to enjoy my little boy too!!!! This is so hard, b/c there is no way to describe the feeling of trying to mourn the loss of your child, but cherish every moment and be oh so thankful for the miracle right in front of you. It is ripping my heart out. But, I will say that it is slowly getting better. I know it probably seems like after almost 6 months it should be a little easier but believe it or not it has at times been harder b/c there are so many first without him, and that is hard. As I start to plan and think of their first birthday, I crumble. But that is going to be one joyous day, as we celebrate Taylors big day and Brady's precious life. I keep just clinging to god and praying for strength everyday and that has been granted, but I make sure to allow myself the right to grieve and talk about it.
I just feel like sharing this:
It seems like lately I have seen and met so many with Twins, and that is probably one of the hardest things, b/c I gaze and stare at them wondering how my life would and could have been with both of my precious babies. I am sure that it is very hard raising twins, but I am sure that it isn't near as hard as having to say goodbye and letting go of your precious Baby. I want that chaos, I want to be crazy trying to juggle two of everything, I want it, I want it!!!! I still have so many doubles of everything. I just can't seem to part with all of Brady's things. I just keep his closet closed and Occasionally I will peek in to just see all of his sweet things!!!!
I hope I continue to meet people with twins, b/c I am a mother of multiples and all though I didn't get the chance to raise two of them together, I got to feel the love of power of mothering two precious preemies for 3 months. So I understand the heart of a mom of multiples.
Well the heart break goes on, but more importantly everyday that I wake up to see this beautiful little smiling face my heart desires to be stronger than that pain so that my little girl has her mommy 100%, She so deserves all of her mommy and daddy!!!! She continues to amaze me everyday, and like I have said 1000 times before, one day this little girl will know and understand what great things she did for her mommy and daddy!!! We love you Taylor, and will always love and miss you precious Brady until we all meet again!!!!
I came upon your blog so randomly, but I became absorbed in reading all of it, from the first post to the most recent and this very post as the entire blog brought tears to my eyes, all your posts are so beautiful and real. You may not remember me, but my maiden name is Jenkins, now Beth Hutcheson. I was a grade below Michael in school. I followed your story through my Dad who eats at Shamrock and heard the details from your parents. I even had the honor of praying for you, and I promise to continue to do so. Shortly after your precious Brady earned his wings we found out we were pregnant with twins. Not much of a surprise to me, as they run in my family, but so exciting. Throughout my pregnancy I often thought of you and I continued to pray for you, and also for me and my babies. I know in these times you might not think you are strong, but knowing you could do it, made you my rock. Though I might not have spoken a word to you, I had a connection with you, and in this blog you nailed it, you are a mother of multiples and there is no love like that love and you deserve all that you desire. May you always feel the love of your sweet Brady as I know you do. And any time you want to see twins, you are welcome to see mine. I gave birth to 37 6/7 week old twins, Baby A – boy Hunter Ryan and Baby B – girl Avery Elizabeth. Please understand when I say I have felt guilt at times, as I know not everyone is so lucky, please know, I worship the ground my children walk on and today, took my lunch to drive to the baby sitters to hug them, and gave my Hunter Man an extra special hug. Thank you for sharing your life, your heart and your family. You have been more of a blessing to me than you will ever know.
ReplyDeleteGod Bless and All My Love and Support,
Beth Jenkins Hutcheson