" The Day" 3 years later

5/28/15-

I am not completely sure that the timeline will ever really get better, I am certain that the chain of events will be with me and a constant reminder to me daily just how blessed I am. But, today is still a hard day as I remember how very scary it was to learn that my body had "failed me and my babies"- PRETERM LABOR at just 28 weeks. This year I showed Taylor where she was positioned in my belly and where Brady was positioned, she thought that was pretty funny. Not really grasping it being that she is not quite "3", she wants a baby in her belly;)) This little girl is amazing.........

She loves "School" and she loves all of her friends there, She loves anything princess, must wear a princess dress daily, loves to sing Old McDonald, B-I-N-G-O, Let-it-Go, and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Loves to Count, and loves to write/color/paint, and more than anything she loves to read to her babies (as she holds the book so they can see it and she flips the pages just like her teachers do;)))

We are gearing up for her "3rd" Birthday- I  can't believe that these Precious Babies are almost 3!! Where does time go? 

We Miss Brady more and more as time goes on, we wonder if he would be as outgoing as Taylor, if he would sound like her, or would he be reserved and quiet , just the constant wonder is always there. But we keep his memory alive for Taylor and just rejoice over the two of them and appreciate everyday that we get to have with our precious little Miracle that we have here!

Just like to log my thoughts;)))

Mommy and Daddy love you two so much!!!!

Sharing Special Memories and Special people......

3/25/15-

Well today I went to celebrate the life of a very special man and his going "HOME"......
I am sharing this in my blog b/c Last Thursday Evening I shared my story of Brady's passing with a Patient whom I had been caring for for 2.5 years!! All I can say is that there was something different about this visit (In a good way)!! The spirit in the room was light and peaceful- we spoke of his life and loss and his love for riding motorcycles and supporting charities and giving back ( Which you all know that I am so passionate about-The supporting organization part/I'm scared of motorcycles)!!! Well to sum it up, it was a great visit of which ended with a big HUG as he thanked me for all that I have done for him and I replied that I felt honored to do so;)) Well Saturday I learned of his passing away while riding his motorcycle!!! It really hit me hard, I felt like he was family- he reminded me of my daddy;)
This may sound silly but I believe that his last visit was for him to say goodbye and I fully believe that he will meet Brady and tell him all about me. I believe that I felt such a strong desire to share my story b/c he would get to meet Brady sooner rather than later!! These are just my thoughts...........

I love my job and I love my patients!!!!!!

A Huge Milestone......

 

 

01/21/2015- A Huge Milestone for me.............

I wasn't quite sure when this day would come for me, but it just felt like it was time. Taylor is 2 years and 7 months now, before we know it we will be planning her 3rd Birthday and I just felt like it was time to finally transition Taylor and Brady's room to just Taylors room ( Brady's Closet and drawers had remained untouched until now), But Today we will remove those items and package them nicely. I really didn't remember just how ready I was for him, but today was a great reminder:( The pain swirled back, the heartbreak resurfaced and tears began to flow-But also a sweet reminder of how excited we were to prepare for him. Taylor helped me as we emptied his drawers, she got all of his socks, his towels, wash cloths, burp cloths, etc. Taylor began to notice that a lot of Brady's things were exactly like hers just Blue instead of Pink. It was so sweet, she would go and get her blanket that matched his and her cup labels that matched his and her brush that matched his, and so on..........

While this was a very hard task I felt that it was right, it was a symbol to me that God was telling me it is okay, it is time:)) I can only dream that either one day I may have another son that will be so honored to use all of Brady's Items, and if that isn't so then someone else will have a special child whom I will hand these items down to. I smile when I think of seeing these items being used one day;)

While we continue to talk of Brady and tell Taylor about Brady, we know that she doesn't completely grasp who he is, but I tell you one thing she sure does have a connection with him that we may never fully understand completely. She periodically speaks of him as though she feels him. We went to talk to him at the cemetery, and as we pull in she says " We are here to see Brady"..... Well this particulary time on Christmas Day we went, visited and pack up and we were all pretty quite pulling out and as we hit the Exit, Taylor says out of No where " Brady is Happy"!!!! Justin and I looked at eachother and just smiled and we said Brady is Happy;)) WE KNOW HE IS...... AND SHE CONFIRMED IT!!! There are times that you question your decisions when you are faced with making end of life decisions for your child~~~~~ But there is no doubt, BRADY IS HAPPY!!!!!

Taylor is so much fun.... She is Amazing!! She is Definitely 2 1/2, and is definitely testing the waters, and definitely spending some time in TIME OUT, But I am so grateful that she is doing these things b/c as we know without her strength, will to live and determination she might not have been doing these things. We love you Taylor Reese and look forward to enjoying every stage with you!!!!!

 

Taylor having a snack and Calling Mandy........ 

                                                         A few of Brady's Things.....

                                  
                                                     Some more special items..... 

Two and a Half.......

12/12/14- -Well Today my sweet Taylor is 2 1/2 years old....WOW..... Hard to believe my baby is growing up so fast!! She is so amazing- I look at her everyday and feel so grateful for what I have learned as her Mommy. I appreciate this little girl more than words....I give so much thanks to her sweet Brother Brady who taught me what really matters about life. I'm not saying that I don't get frusturated when it takes me an hour longer to shop, or feel overwhelmed when my house is messy, or feel tired,  but I definitely love and appreciate all of the normal things that go hand in hand with being a mommy!!! Thank you Taylor and Brady for making me the mommy that I am and teaching me so much about life over the past 2 1/2 years!!!

Well Taylor is just rocking along: She still loves baby dolls, She has Four favorite Princess (Sophia, Ariel, Belle, and Cindrella), She loves Mickey Mouse, Cooking and having tea parties are what our mornings off together consist of, She loves to review all of her colors, She loves to tell me her letters and associate with appropriate word (D for Dad, T for Taylor, Z for zoey, K for Kieran), She says in a very exaggerated manner "I'm 2 years old", She gets a few songs mixed up but it is so cute I can't correct it "You wanna Build a snowman because the bible tells me so" (a little frozen and jesus loves me;)))))) We practice gymnastics all the time and she loves class with Mrs Nicole, etc, etc.

This girl blows me away;)))) I am so lucky to be her mommy- I can only imagine how amazing Brady is!!! Boy oh Boy do I wonder everyday.... I out of the blue told a patient about him today. I typically wouldn't do that , but you know what it felt so good!!! I love that Boy more than anything and want to tell everyone that I see all about him!! Sometimes I just do.

Celebrating A true Miracle.....

9/21/14- Today is no special day, it is just another day..... But for whatever reason my babies-both of them have been heavy on my mind. This is actually not uncommon as not a day goes by that I don't think of them both, but for some reason today feelings and emotions are really strong!!! As I was on my way to work this morning I had this overwhelming thought of how it would be for Taylor to have a living sibling, what a great sister she would be/is... Lots of thoughts!!! Taylor loves to look at pictures of Brady, of course she calls him Baby Brady;))) It makes me smile!!! She is amazing, a true miracle and a blessing to Justin and I. I truly celebrate her life everyday.
Taylor is 2yrs and 3 mths and growing rapidly before my eyes!!!!
She loves gymnastics, she loves kids and is obsessed with babies;)) She loves mickey and Minnie mouse, little Einsteins, Doc McStuffins and Sophia the First!!! she eats whatever is put in front of her, her vocabulary is unbelievable, communication is like a small adult;))) Her Manners are precious: "Thank you so much Momma", "No 'e' Mam", "Yes 'e' Mam", not sure where the 'e' is coming from but it is precious;)) She is just our precious miracle that continues to amaze us daily- We love that girl!!!!
On days like today when the thought of my babies is some what tough, I choose to rejoice over our miracle and remember the beautiful 3 months that we shared with Brady!!!
Love you two!!!

5 Painful Days

8/20/14- It was two years ago today , 2.5 months after Brady and Taylor were born that Brady was transported to CHOA- And we were informed by Egleston's NICU team of Brady's true Brain damage/Injury. I will never forget these next 5 days as long as I live. It was meetings with second/third opinions, many questions, and major decisions. It was real, the damage had been there, and we were just finding out! The pain is just as real today as it was then, I would say this second year is even a little more painful than that 1 year anniversary;( But the only difference is that I have peace in knowing that God is continuing to use Brady in changing so many lives!!!!

I am gearing up for August 25th, as it will be painful but we will celebrate him and his life .................

"The Day"

5/28/14- May 28th probably just seems like any old day to most people, but today two years later this day is very significant to me. On this day two years ago, I drove to my call shift at 6:00 am just like any old day, I was 26 5/7 weeks pregnant. It was busy, four deliveries and two C-sections later, I didn't feel right, but never in a million years did I imagine that pre-term labor would admit me to the hospital where I would hang out until I delivered but It did;((( Well now two years later this day just reminds me of the beginning of so many life changing events....... So today I decided I would stay busy and enjoy/love/hug/kiss/laugh/and squeeze my precious little miracle who has picked me up and carried me through this heart wrenching whirl wind of a ride!!! I love you Taylor;)))))

Several times today I just stopped and said this little girl is amazing;)) She is 23 months, 20.5 months adjusted (one month from now I don't ever have to hear adjusted age ever again;))))) , and she is talking in sentences, writes with a pen like an adult with both hands and tells me as she is writing a line and a circle, she says "ABC and 123", she is really using her Spanish that Mrs Elba teaches her, She dances to all kinds of music, etc, but most importantly she makes me smile all day every day.

Brady taught me what being a mommy is all about and I am so proud but sad to say that having lost him has made me a better Mommy, never taking one day/one minute/one second for granted.

I am still struggling with the conversation of children ;( twice in one week I have left a conversation feeling horrible. I don't know when this will become easy, but right now its sucks.
The question how many children do you have? or Is she your only one?, and I hesitate and then say Yes, b/c I don't want to make them feel bad or ackward in telling them that I had a son who passed away!! But then I leave feeling horrible b/c I didn't tell someone about my precious Son Brady who was 7lb 14 oz when he passed, whom I got to hold and love and kiss for 3 months, who God needed more than I did. I know that in time, this will get easier but right now its not.

Well, these are just my feelings today!! For some reason I will never forget this day as long as I live, b/c it knocked me off my feet just two years ago and made me realize a lot about life.

Taylor Reese and Brady Wiles, Mommy and Daddy love you two so much;)))))))