"Where would I be"......

12/31/12- "Just where would I be without my faith?" I ask myself this everyday.

I have trusted god, prayed to him, accepted him- and that is what has carried me through each and everyday since my world came crashing down on 8/25/12!!! And with this my precious little girl will one day find out what wonderful things she has done for her mommy and daddy. Taylor has brought us so much joy, love, happiness, warmth and strength during a time of despair- oh how I love that precious little girl!!!

She is growing so fast!! She is rolling both ways, trying oh so hard to crawl, but an army crawl with a scoot is about it!!! She is continuing to amaze us every step of the way- She has thought she was older than her age from the minute that she entered this world!!!  We just started the adventure of baby food, and she is doing great and enjoying it-Boy was she ready!!!! I am so thankful for my precious Brady, because he has taught me how to enjoy Taylor each and everyday to the very fullest!!! Nothing else matters, but focusing on the important things and loving those around us and dear and near to us!!! I learned more in the time I spent with my precious Brady than any highschool, college or masters program could teach. That little boy had a purpose here and he left his mark and touched so many while doing so!!!!

I miss him so very much- This pain is so deep and it is nearly impossible to describe!!! I want to hold his sweet little body again, I wanna steal me some more kisses, I want him to drool on my shirt while he is napping, I want to take another walk in the garden with him, I want to snap more pictures of he and his sweet sister. That is what I want, but GOD has a greater, more precious plan for him!!!! I am at peace with that but that doesn't mean that I don't want him back so bad, because I do!!!! I love these two babies more than words, and I am so thankful that I get to watch Taylor grow and I will forever see Brady live through is twin sister!!!!

Mommy and Daddy love you Taylor and Angel Brady!!!!!

"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever"
Winnie the Pooh

6 months ago today.......

12/12/12......

I can't believe that it has been 6 months since my life changed in an instance, I refer to it as the best, worst, and scariest day of my life!!!!  On this very day back in June, my precious babies decided to join us 12 weeks early, but what do you do, you join them and welcome them with open arms and you stand by them and encourage them as they fight for their little precious lives and that they both did with all of their might!!! How did I grow such strong little fighters with such a will to live?????? Well, I guess I should be able to answer that b/c their momma and daddy are two strong willed people who love life and live it to the fullest!!! I never imagined that being proud of your children could feel so great, but I quickly learned that there is nothing like it!!! I have also unfortunately learned what heartbreak truly feels like, but with gods hand and the power of prayer I have been able to stand on solid ground and move forward!!!

"It's the most wonderful time of the year"- oh yes it is, but it is oh so HARD!!!! Taylor's first Thanksgiving and her First Christmas and her First New Years, but what about my sweet Brady it is his first toooooo!!!!!! So many FIRST without him, but I can't lose sight of how important all of Taylor's FIRST are as well ( I haven't I have enjoyed them to the fullest)!!!  There are just so many reminders of him not being here, his first ornaments on the tree, his stocking on the mantle, and the hardest is not being able to buy him toys/clothes/activity gyms etc, I have to buy him a christmas tree for his grave site and a headstone- That hurts so bad, but you better believe I got him all fixed up out there and you can see him all lit up as soon as you pull in ;) But, But, But I am so incredibly greatful for my beautiful precious smiling little girl who I get to wake up with on Christmas morning and begin traditions with!!!! And we will always remember Brady and honor him and make sure that he is a part of Taylor's life forever and ever and ever!!!!

I say a prayer every night for Brady to come visit me in my dreams, I haven't seen him yet but my sister has and she said he is so beautiful, with a full head of black hair, blue eyes and rosey pink cheeks! She said he looks just like his daddy!!! Oh, I can't wait to see his precious face, so I will continue to pray!! But he and I will for sure meet again!!!

As each day comes and goes, I am going to continue to live my life the way that Brady has taught me to, and that is ... To live like there is no tomorrow, Don't sweat the small stuff, Love my baby and my family no matter what the case may be!!!! I will never be the old Brandy, but I am ok with that b/c although I was a good person before the new me looks at life very differently and I love it!!! I hope I never forget what this past 6 months has taught me!!!!

My New Years Resolution is to make a difference and I am working very hard behind the scenes to ensure that happens!!!!

I love you both dearly Taylor Reese and Brady Wiles!!!!  Happy 6 month Birthday!!!

Love, Momma and Daddy

Another Day.......

11/8/12- What do I do with these emotions????? So So Happy and Sad all at once!!!!

Well I am watching my beautiful little girl change everyday, She is rolling over persisently now (this started on 11/2/12), she is moving all around by pushing with her feet, she has a beautiful smile, and she is growing like a weed- a whopping 10 lbs 11 oz at almost 5 months. Wow I can't believe my little 2 lb. miracle will be 5 months old in 4 days!! Where has time gone. We are so incredibly proud of her and we tell her that everyday. But, I have to admit that it is so hard because I always wonder what Brady would be doing, who would be the ring leader? I imagine that Brady would have been my laid back baby and Taylor my spit fire!! Who knows???? I will never know, well actually I will when we all meet again!!! My heart breaks everytime Taylor does something new, because I wonder if Brady would have learned or started doing the same thing.
This is gonna sound silly, but Taylor found her mouth and nose this weekend, and she kept hitting herself in the nose over and over again and then putting her whole hand in her mouth- I was staring at her imagining that I was watching Brady do the same thing!!! I guess I will forever Miss and Think about and visualize his beautiful face!!! I love my sweet Boy!!!! And oh boy do I love that precious little girl that we call Tator Bug-she is my ROCK!!!

11/4/12- Well I am so proud of my little family!!! I am not ashamed to admit that Brady's tiny soul did powerful things in mine and my husbands life, that noone else could do. Although we were believers and christians we needed more. We learned who our leader is. We learned that we are not in control, and that we need God in our lives to guide us and comfort us when decisions are to be made and when the whole world feels like it is crumbling under you. Brady led us to a wonderful decision as we had our family baptism and Taylor's dedication-What an awesome day!!!!

"A dear friend/my best friend provided me with so much comfort and stood by me in my decision making process when Brady was so ill, she reassured me time again and also provided her whole hearted opinion which made my decision even more concrete" Well it was not by mistake that God put  her in my life to comfort and support me during that time, but I truly believe that he was strengthening her for a decision that she and her precious husband would have to unfortunately have to make all to soon after. I pray diligently for my precious friend/husband/ and their precious baby as the days and weeks draw her closer to the day when another incredibly difficult decision will be made. I love you girl!!!!! It is not by chance that we are friends and that we know what eachother are feeling and that we are here to guide and strengthen one another. God is no fool, he knew what he was doing 14 years ago when we came into eachother's lives. I love you and support any/all decisions!!!!

I pray that each day I will heal a little bit more, but I know one thing for sure- Brady is living one heck of a life and he is watching over his beautiful sister and making sure she pulls me and daddy through everyday!!!!

LORRIE MORGAN- IF YOU CAME BACK FROM HEAVEN

WOW!! 2 month Angel-versary!!!

10/25/12-

I cried quite a bit today!!! I can't believe my precious little boy, Taylor's precious twin brother has been gone from us for 2 months. Wow, 2 months ago today Justin and I held Brady Wiles as tight as we could as his little heart slowly quit beating and as he took his last breath. I will never forget feeling his sweet beautiful warm body become cold in my arms. I will never forget his smell as I was stealing sweet little kisses from my little boy!!! I still can't wash the clothes that I was wearing or that he was wearing the night he passed because I can still smell him!!!!! Oh how I love and miss that little boy!!!

I did something this week that took alot of courage for me!  A friend of mine from college had a precious little boy and they named him "Brady", so I sent a box full of all of my sweet Brady's  monogrammed items that he never got to use so that a sweet family could have them. Very Hard, but at the same time I smiled knowing that a sweet baby would be using Brady's things. Bittersweet!!!!!

Although I know that Brady is living some kind of fabulous life amongst heavens other beautiful angels, and I would never bring him back to fight and struggle with illness after illness. But, I still can't help but wonder what it would be like if I could just see and hold him one more time.  I heard that song "If you came back from heaven" and I just started to wonder.......

Well Lil miss Taylor is growing and thriving, she is weighing in at 9lbs 13 oz. She amazes me everyday with her smiles, periodically rolling over, pushing up, etc...... She is truly my little miracle!!!! I love that girl!!!!!

A hard day......

10/11/12-
Well I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would lose a child and therefore have to plan a funeral for my child, but I have had to do both:( Today I finally had to do it, go and pick out Brady's head stone. I have been putting if off because then that meant that I still had something to do for him, and once it is ordered then it is final!!! I know that it is already final, but for some reason this last task just feels like it is really the end!!!

I never imagined how hard picking a head stone would be, I  want it to be perfect and I mean perfect, b/c my precious little boy was perfect!!!!!! It is going to be beautiful, and to make it that much more special, he will have a granite foot plate with a sweet note engraved from Taylor!!!!!! 

As for Taylor, she is doing fantastic!!! She had a great appointment yesterday!!!!

10/2/2012-

As I sit here today watching my sweet little miracle enjoying her tummy time I begin to tear up just reflecting on what the past 4 months have been for us. Wow, we are so incredibly blessed to have this 2lb 5oz miracle in our arms. She is growing so strong everyday!!!!! It is hard to believe that she had such a rough start.

Not a day goes by that I don't ask myself what it would be like or think to myself how great it would be to have the chaos of Brady and Taylor screaming at once. I wanted that chaos so bad!!!!! But I now know that God had a different plan!!! Everyday as I pray and read, I am healing and growing from what Brady taught me.

I am enjoying getting involved with organizations to aid in my healing process and I am so excited about our family involvement in the March of Dimes and look forward to our walk this weekend for March for Babies!!!!!! Please take the time to follow my new photos of our twin Journey!!!!


Today is a great day- my Dad and my Brothers Birthday: Happy Birthday Daddy and Michael!!!

Brady Wiles Jenkins Journey- 6/12/12-8/25/12!!!! Our Guardian Angel

 

Taylor Reese Jenkins Journey to come........

Well here goes... I have been blogging privately since May 30th, 2012 when my world changed in an instance. But I was inspired by a friend to begin my Blog publicly has a therapeutic measure to aid in my healing process.

8/26/11-

This is when it all began!!! Justin and I decided that it was time to think about starting our family, but first we would go on an all-inclusive trip to celebrate our 5 year anniversary- so we went to Punta Cana and had a blast!!!! Upon arrival back we decided that we would now start our family!!!

 

12/23/11-

This was the day that my life changed forever!!! I just felt different, slightly dizzy and I had just returned from lunch. So I grabbed a pregnancy test before my afternoon of patients began, and I screamed for my colleague/friend Lynn to come into the restroom-YES Brandy the test is positive, so I proceeded to take three more-AND YES they were positive. So I then followed those with a STAT blood pregnancy test (Beta Hcg)- and to it was Positive and slightly higher than I thought it should have been but I didn't think anything of it (maybe I am just further along than I think, I should be about 4 weeks, but maybe I am 7 or 8 weeks!!!) So I leave work and go buy a florida gator outfit and a card and I wrap all three pregnancy test/blood test and outfit up in a christmas bag. Justin was home when I got home, and when I walked in with the gift he says I thought we werent doing anything for eachother this year since we took so many trips this year, and I said oh it is just a little something that I couldn't resist ;) So he proceded to open the gift and he said are you serious and kept repeating it, and proceeded to pace around the kitchen. We were so excited yet so nervous, what would the next several months/years bring for our little family? Well we had no idea! We went out that night to drive around and rejoice over our positive pregnancy test and to look at christmas lights, we had a great time!!! So of course it was a great christmas b/c we were able to announce to our family that we were going to have a BABY sometime in August-Our families were absolutely thrilled!!!

 

 

1/3/12-

 

The Best and scariest day of our lives!!!! We went in for our first official dating ultrasound, and one of my great friends and co-workers did the scan. She had this terrible look on her face so I freaked out and said oh my gosh what is wrong and she said- I am about to rock your world and as she turned the screen towards us she said-It is TWINS!!!!! 6 weeks pregnant with twins- I was so happy but crying at the same time, well Justin was GREEN and I mean GREEN!!! Being that I deliver babies and provided for obstetrical patients and know all of the risk associated with a twin pregnancy I was very nervous but I made myself a promise that I would not ruin my pregnancy for worrying. Well the weeks went on and we got more and more excited!!!!

 

3/10/12-

 

Oh were we excited- Today is our Gender determination at 15 weeks gestation!!!! Tanya another one of my favorite ultrasonagraphers was doing the scan and my whole family was there. We were beyond thrilled to learn that we were having Baby A-Boy and Baby B-Girl!!!! I couldn't have been anymore perfect than that!! So the planning begins, and we pretty quickly determined that our little boy would be Brady Wiles Jenkins and our little girl would be Taylor Reese Jenkins!!! We could not wait to meet these precious babies!!

 

So as the weeks ticked along, all of my visits were going great, I was feeling good and continuing to work. We made several trips along the way, I was in my best friends wedding (25 weeks gestation, of course measuring 33 weeks already), we started the nursery, I ordered the bedding (it is beautiful), and we started to really start thinking about getting things ready for these precious babies.

 

Well, all along I was a little nervous even though I had made myself a promise that I wouldn't stress over all the what-if's. I stayed very positive and just enjoyed my pregnancy and I prayed everynight for a fullterm pregnancy or close to it and a safe delivery whatever that meant for me and my babies!!!

 

5/28/12-

 

Yay I made it to 26 5/7 weeks gestation, closer to 28 weeks. Today started as just a normal early morning on-call shift, I did a delivery first thing that morning, then I assisted a c-section, and went immediately into another delivery. Well when I finished that delivery, I came out to the nurses station and the nurses could tell that I wasn't feeling well. I really thought that I just had a bladder infection because I was experiencing bladder pressure, so I called the office and they agreed to see me real quick before my next patient would be ready to deliver.

 

Much to my surprise I was in labor, 2cm/80% effaced/-2 station, and my world changed in an instance, so I had to be admitted to the hospital for pre-term labor: I was so scared and I had an array of emotions that I couldn't make sense of. I was scared, sad, and angry, why was this happening to me I did everything right!!! The next few days were absolutely miserable!! The plan was to keep these two babies in until atleast 28 weeks but preferably 35 weeks, so hospital bedrest it would be until then...That would consist of magnesium sulfate, betamethasone for fetal lung maturity, procardia and motrin. I prayed daily lord please let this work, I need these babies to be okay, please God!!!! I was desperate!!!

*Magnesium Sulfate is terrible, I had alot of negative effects, I had shortness of breath that lead to pulmonary edema , I was on oxygen and felt as thought I was struggling to breathe. So finally they stopped the magnesium and unfortunately my contractions continued but thank goodness my cervix was remaining the same, just alot of pressure on my cervix and my bag of water was bulging-So scared and my anxiety was out of control!!! I had never experienced this kind of anxiety and I wasn't sure what to do with it!!!

 

One week passed, and praise god I was still pregnant-now 27 5/7 weeks gestation!!! The babies were doing great, all of their non-stress test were great and my contractions seemed to be at rest-the procardia and motrin was holding me steady!!!

 

6/10/12-

 

I and the babies had done so well the past few days so they were considering sending me home on strict bedrest, I was so scared, "what would I do if my water broke and I was all the way in Moreland?" So we decided I would go to my mom and dads since they are so close to the hospital!

 

Well that was all a wash because today was a very scary day, I contracted all day long!! I layed completely flat, was given a fluid bolus, procardia and motrin!!! finally the contraction pattern broke at 6pm, I had to have my cervix checked and I was 3.5cm/80%/BBOW(bulging bag of water)!! So So scared and afraid for my babies wellbeing!!! But I was still determined to keep these babies in!!! So I did everything that I could.

 

6/12/12-

I felt great today, I took a quick 10minute shower, I had a few visitors and even talked to Justin and told him to stay at work b/c I felt great!! Well around 2pm I was really tired and had a few contractions, so my friend left and I went off to sleep. About thirty minutes later I was abruptly wokened by a strong contraction but it still just felt like bladder pressure (just really strong), so I moved over to my bedside commode to empty my bladder and when I did I had another contraction and my water broke!!!! I frantically called out to the nurses station, screaming for my nurse Adrienne!! I was terrified and  I was begging god to keep these babies safe, "Please God don't let this be happening, I still need them to stay in for 5 more weeks", it seems so silly but I really was praying that I could keep them in until 35 weeks!!! But unfortunately things were changing rapidly!! God was looking out for me because right as my water broke, my brother walked in, so he alerted the family and called Justin to let him know!! Well the babies still looked great, but my cervix was 5cm/100/+1 station-Oh my goodness, I was trembling, scared/sad/mad/angry, you name it!!! The nurses and my midwife started working really fast to get me to the OR just in case I needed a c/section. Baby A was pushing so hard, I could feel him coming down lower as we were rolling back. My brother called Justin and told him to hit his lights and sirens and get here ASAP (He was all the way at the Alabama Line). So my mom came back with me while we waited for Justin to get here. I didn't want an epidural b/c I didn't feel that the pain was bad enough but I knew if I needed a c-section they would have to put me to sleep if I didn't get a spinal, so I agreed!!! I couldn't sit up b/c Baby A Brady was too low in the birth canal.

Another fear of mine came true, a wet Tap from my spinal, I knew that did not mean good things for how I was gonna feel after I delivered (Nasty spinal headache)!!!

 

Well Justin finally made it in about 45 minutes (of course going 110mph), and 4 minutes later our precious Baby Boy Brady Wiles was born at 18:47pm, 2lbs 14 oz, screaming and vigorous, on CPAP and then at 17:10 our precious Baby Girl Taylor Reese was born, 2lbs 5 oz. not so vigorous and intubated immediately!!! They were beautiful but so tiny!! They were rushed out to the NICU and it would be a few hours before we could see them!!!

 

Back to my room for recovery, my head was absolutely killing me, so they were sitting me up gradually to alleviate some of the discomfort. Well at 21:00 I experienced the scariest event, I had a feeling of impending doom, I grabbed JJ (my midwife) and I told her I was dieing to please help me,I couldn't breathe and I had an explosion that went off in my head.!! The next thing I know I was waking up to people in my face and giving me a sternal rub. I wasn't able to move my right side, so I was quickly taken for a STAT CT scan, which revealed a pneumocephalus (air bubbles that traveled from where I had the spinal wet tap with the epidural placement). I was mortified, I was so afraid of dyeing!!! They wanted to give me something to help me relax but I was afraid that I wouldn't wake up ;( I was admitted to the ICU for observation!!! This the begininning of an absolute nightmare for my husband and soon would become mine as well!!!

 

Imagine this: My poor husband!!

Not only was his wife in the ICU but so were both of his precious newborn premature babies!!!!

He was devastated but an absolute rock!!!!

 

6/13/12-

I still had not seen my babies yet, b/c I was in the ICU, so today I would get to see them for the first time, I was so excited!!!

 

Oh but no we had to get Devastating news today!!! Another one of my greatest fears: Our little Boy has a Grade IV Brain Bleed-not good!!! I screamed, cried, yelled and asked God why? I couldn't make sense of why this was happening to such a great family who wanted these precious babies so bad, it's not fair, we are good people!!! I said over and over again, I can't lose my little boy, I can't lose my little boy!!!!

Thank goodness our little girl was doing great, no brain bleed for her thank goodness!!! And thankfully Brady's bleed was only on one side!!!

 

The NICU is definitely one of the wildest roller coaster rides I have ever been on!!! There is no way to describe it unless you experience it. There is nothing worse than having to stare at your baby through the plastic box and stream tears wishing that you could just comfort them and hold them but they are to fragile, and that is what we were up against for weeks. I didn't think that I would make, my heart was broken into pieces.  I continued to ask WHY? It just didn't make sense.  

 

Everyday I would walk in holding my breathe, and I would get the news that Taylor thinks she is full term and doing great, and Brady is doing better!!!

 

The days and weeks seemed slow but fast all at once because I had one baby that was moving along so fast and was on the feeder and grower side within weeks, but I had another baby that was making progress but just a little slower!! My emotions were all over the place, I didn't know if I should be happy for Taylor or sad for Brady!!! So then again I was angry b/c why wasn't I able to enjoy taking my babies home like all of my patients get to, I felt robbed of a great experience!!! But then I would say, Brandy you have to remember how blessed you are to have your babies here and doing well!!! It was just really hard to be positive, b/c it just wasn't fair!!!

 

6/25/12-

More bad news, our little boy Brady has developed severe Hydrocephalus with a midline shift, so now he needs to be transported to Egleston (CHOA) to have a neurosurgeon place a temporary access device to drain spinal fluid off of the brain. Again I screamed and yelled and asked why and said over and over again that I couldn't lose my son and that his sister needs him!!!!

Yet again great news on Miss Taylor-She was doing great!!! Thank the Lord!!!

 

6/28/12-

 

Brady goes to CHOA and has his temporary device placed!!! Praise god he is like a new child with the fluid being drained off of his brain!!! I said to myself now we can catch up with his sister ;) He was transported back to Piedmont Fayette on 6/30/12.

 

Now things really got better, everyday we were getting great news on both babies. They were both just feeding and growing!!! We were continueing to get reports from Brady's ultrasound reports, and the Dr's were telling us that the blood was resolving but that the hydrocephalus remains so he was definitely going to need a shunt-which we had already prepared ourselves for!!! We wanted to do everything to help our son be able to lead a normal life, so lets get this shunt and get him home!!!

 

So they began taking bottles, and the NICU guidelines are that the babies must take 8 bottles per day and tolerate with any brady's or apneas,  of course Taylor took off and was taking 6 bottles a day before I knew it without a problem, and Brady went back and forth because he had to go on and off  the high flow oxygen.

 

7/14/12-

My mom, sister, and sister-n-law gave me the most beautiful baby shower in honor of Brady and Taylor!!! These babies were absolutely rotten already, so many people were so excited about these precious twins!!!

 

7/18/12-

Another terribly scary day, I thought I was gonna bleed to death!!! I was now 5.5 weeks postpartum and doing well, so I was visiting my precious babies in the NICU when I had a gush of blood and that continued to a severe postpartum hemorrhage, I was in and out of consciousness, followed by an emergent d&C and a blood transfusion!!! I had had enough, I was now really angry and I wanted to know why I deserved all of this!!! How much more was one person supposed to take!!! I couldn't take anymore!!! Please God spare me I prayed, please!!!!

 

7/21/12-

My very best friends gave me another beautiful shower!!! These babies are so blessed!!! Brady and Taylor will not want for anything!!!

 

 

7/27/12-

I just about fainted when I walked in today and the nurse practitioner said to me that I need to bring Taylors carseat b/c she is probably going home this weekend, how could that be, she was only 35 weeks and 4lbs. I was scared and again happy but angry b/c I wanted my little boy to come home with her, but I had to rejoice for her and praise her b/c she had done so well!!! Very Torn emotions!! I couldn't quit crying!!!

 

7/30/12-

 

Very bittersweet day, as we take beautiful pictures and do all of the discharge teaching in preparation for taking Taylor home!!! Off we went, crying and smiling, I didn't want to leave my precious little boy but I was so happy to finally get to experience what mothers are so supposed to feel "the excitement of loading up your new baby and making the drive home for the first time"!!! I couldn't wait until I was bring my little boy home too- it is coming I just kept telling myself!!!

 

Brady was doing good!! 3-4 Bottles a day, off of his oxygen and preparing to transport him back to CHOA for his shunt in preparation for getting him home!!!

 

8/3/12-

 

Taylor at home and Brady is getting transported to CHOA today!!! We packed up everything and off we went to stay with Justin's parents for the next few days (with Taylor)!!! He would get his shunt and then be transported back to Fayette the next day if stable and work toward discharge.

 

8/4/12-

 

Surgery went well for Brady and the neurosurgeon gave us a great report!! We were thrilled, overjoyed at all that our little boy had overcome- " He was tough as Nails"!!!!the plan was for him to head back to Fayette in the morning!!!Yay!!! He was cooing, making eye contact after surgery!!!

 

1:15 am-things went south quickly!! He crashed and had to be put back on the ventilator and did not look good according the the physician on-call!!! We were devastated, scared, all the emotions once again!!! I was on my knees begging god to please please please save my little boy!!!! This was the first time that I admitted that I kept having this dream that I was seeing a beautiful spray of flowers over an incubator of a baby that was deceased!! I was so scared of losing my little boy!! I felt that my hands were tied, I couldn't help my little boy!!! So I prayed!!!!!!

 

8/5/12-

 

Yes more terrible news!!! He has serratia meningitis, infection in his spinal fluid so the shunt had to come back out-my poor little boy!!! We stayed strong for him and we continued to fight because he had fought so hard!! We could not give up on our little boy!!!

 

This was going to be a long haul to recovery to treat this bacteria but we knew that he/we could do it!!!

 

Staying positive we continue to prepare for Brady's arrival home in September sometime. We completed the nursery and got both of their closets set up and clothes washed!!! 

 

Infectious Disease had a good plan for Brady's recovery!!! It was working, he was beating this nasty infection!!! Praise God!!!!

 

8/16/12-

 

My wonderful co-workers had a absolutely perfect shower!!! It was so great, they got me all of the last minute things for Taylor and in preparation for bring Brady home!!!! We were feeling positive again finally b/c Brady had a good day also today and looked so much better!!!!

 

8/20/12-

 

THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I had dropped Taylor off with my parents and headed to CHOA to spend the day with Brady and to find out if he had definitely beat the nasty serratia infection!!! The neurosurgeon met me at the bedside to let me know that yes he had and that his hydrocephalus was minimally noted but that he would still need a shunt-we were okay with that!!! But in an instance my whole world was destroyed!!!! The neonatalogist that was on for the day called a family care conference. Well having been an Neuro nurse for 7 years within the Emory facilities I knew that wasn't good. But I thought to myself what could it be he is doing so well!!!

Well unfortunately some new information was being brought to the table :( The Dr. Wanted me to explain to him what I knew about Brady's brain, so I explained that he was a 28 weeker who suffered a Grade IV Bleed and then developed severe hydrocephalus that needed to be corrected with a shunt which is why we are here and then he acquired this ventriculitis along the way. The neonatologist shook his head and said that unfortunately there is a large piece to the puzzle about Brady's brain that you guys were not informed of!! I sank in my chair and felt as though I may vomit!!! He began to explain that Brady had the diagnosis of PVL (periventricular Leukomalacia) since June 28th, 2012 and he wasn't sure why we weren't updated on that and also he had the diagnosis of encephalomalacia as of August 3rd. I couldn't even breathe or speak, how could we and our little boy have been betrayed like this. I am a medical professional and this is not the kind of care that I provide!!!!!! I was disgusted with my profession!!!!! That doctor asked me if I was okay with Brady being a baby for the rest of his life!!! There are no words for the heart break and devastation!!!

 

Needless to say, after a second, third and fourth opinion!!! Brady continued to worsen!!!

 

8/25/12-

 

I wanted to die!!!! I felt like someone was stabbing me, but I was still having to rejoice over my other 28 week miracle Taylor Reese who was strong and thriving!!!! Thank God for her  b/c she is what as kept me going!! We took Brady off of the ventilator and he rallyed for us to get some beautiful pictures, and he then passed away peacefully and comfortably in our arms. Our precious family of four was together for the first time!!! I love that little boy so much and wanted him more than anything, but I loved him far to much to allow him to suffer!!!!

 

I will never be the same!!!! I am convinced, but I am a better person for having been Brady Wiles Jenkins Mother!!!!! How blessed we were to have him for 74 short days, and I can't wait to meet him again!!!! I love you Brady Wiles!!!!

 

Taylor is 3months and one week now and doing so well!!! She is such a little miracle!!!! One day we will tell her about her precious brother and how special he was!!!!

 

Now I am just working on healing and grieving appropriately!! Thanks to all for your love and support!!!

 

 

 



Pictures of our Journey:

 

 

 

More pictures to come!!!!